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3 Ways To Fight Selfishness in Marriage: Love Does Not Seek It’s Own

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“I’m taking a 3rd shift job” hubby announced in the midst of an already trying season of life.  Oh how I was dreading those words.  We had talked about the possibility for months and I had prayed it wouldn’t come to this.  But here we were on the brink of living on different shifts.  And into this already hard season God whispered, “Love does not seek it’s own“.

Why Focus on Selfishness in Marriage?

Does God ever put a verse in your life that just makes no sense?

We have been studying 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and I pray God is using it to change our Marriage’s!  The way He changed everything about my Christian Marriage – creating in me a desire to become a wife with a Biblical Worldview.

Who Said Love is Patient and Kind?

For our study, we are looking at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act disrespectfully or unbecomingly; it does not seek it’s own, is not provoked to anger, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth;bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, enduring all things.  Love never fails.”

Define Lofe Does Not Seek It’s Own

My question to God was: Love does not seek its own what?  

He took me deep into the original language! I saw that Love does not seek its own comfort, pleasure and desire above that of those it claims to love.

How to Fight Selfishness in Marriage

This Kind of Love is selfless: 

Yikes.  I am a selfish person.  Most of my day is spent securing my own comfort and pleasure.  And right there God brought me face to face with sin.

I care deeply about my own preferences and seek out ways to get them.  Do you?

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interest, but also for the interests of others.” Philippiams 2:3-4:  

Evaluate Preferences Vs Needs

Truth is, I put my preferences above my husbands needs.  

His needs should outweigh my preferences (not my needs, those are important, but my preferences).

So lets go back where this story began.

“I’m taking a 3rd shift job” hubby announced in the midst of an already trying season of life.  Oh how I was dreading the day I’d hear those words.

You see, I am a Stay-at-Home Homeschooling Mom.  All day I am with these wonderful kids – I keep sane by doing activates at night (without my kids): Bible studies, ladies groups, yoga classes, etc.

Hubby has been trying to find a job that fits him and supports our family.  By taking a 3rd shift job the only time we had together was in the evening. This was a good job for him.  It would help us get out of debt.

Shift To Selfless Love

Shifting from Selfish to Selfless was a real Battle   

We had been in a hard season for a few years and it is easy to believe my feelings instead of Trusting The Lord in my Christian Marriage.

Into this lesson the enemy whispered so many lies.  Lies I had to fight against.  Do you hear them too?

  • Our life will be hard forever.
  • If I give up my preference too often B will walk all over me.
  • Someone should be looking out for me in this marriage.
  • I always have to be the mature one who changes first.

Those are just the tip of the iceberg of the feelings that come when I stop trying to “Seek My Own”.

Part of my selfishness was a way to keep from being hurt again.  There were some things in my life that hurt deeply and I was choosing to hold onto them instead of forgiving

It wasn’t until I learned to Forgive that I found Freedom to live again. 

Fight The Flesh

Selfless love is not natural for me- I want to seek my own  

I was seeking my own need -adult interaction and time away from my kids.  Truthfully though, I can find that at other times and other ways.

That need is being met in a different way now –though I’d prefer it be in the evening.

To show love to him in a selfless way I needed to set my Preferences aside (for a season) to meet his Needs.

I preferred my evening classes but Hubby needed space to grow here.

Know The Benefits Of Selfless Love

When I give up my preferences to meet his needs amazing things happen.

I began to see the things I desired happening.  Could my preferences have been robbing me of my desires?   

  • Hubby is maturing 
    • He just needs the grace to grow up in Christ.
  • Someone is looking out for me in this marriage. 
    • God is fighting for me! 
    • B is really doing an amazing job. 
      • I could see it if only I’d look at what he does right. 
      • I feel differently when I spend too much time pointing out his mistakes!
  • We all have seasons of growth. 
    • There will be times Hubby has to be the bigger person and give me grace to grow.  

Fight Your Thought Life

Do you know how to be sure love does not seek it’s own?

We have to fight the Enemy for Truth in our thoughts.  When we believe the lies – instead of seeking out Biblical Truth – we all lose.

Worst, We hurt others trying to protect our preferences! For more on the Reasons to Fight for Freedom in our thoughts click here!

When I embrace the truth, I can show Selfless love!  For more Ways to Fight the enemy for Freedom in our Thoughts click here!

Will You Fight Selfishness in Marriage Tody? 

Can you see the difference between your needs and your preferences? 

God cares about your needs but, Do you know what your Husband needs are?

Spend some time asking God to show you where your preferences are trumping hubby’s needs and how to change.  

in Him

*What are the signs of a selfish husband? How do you survive a marriage with a selfish husband? How do I stop being selfish in my marriage? What are the signs of selfishness?

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Tiffany Montgomery

Tiffany of Hope Joy in Christ inspires Christian Women to grow in faith, live out Biblical Marriage Principles and raise Godly Children.  Join the Wives Only Facebook Group here or keep up with her through Pinterest.

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