What Is Validation in Marriage?
- Is there room in our adult lives for the need for validation in marriage?
- Can or should we brag to get it?
Love Does Not Brag: 1 Corinthians 13
Click through the links To go back in the series: so far we’ve seen Patience, Kindness, Jealousy, Bragging, Arrogance, Disrespect or Acting unbecoming in Marriage, Selfishness in Marriage, Anger in Marriage, Evil Thoughts in Marriage, Rejoicing In Marriage and Bearing All Things, Believing All Things, Hoping All things and Enduring All things in a Biblical Marriage.
What is Emotional Validation?
What Is Validation In A relationship?
What Does Love Does Not Brag Mean?
The way brag is used in the Greek here means:
Bragging is a tool of Manipulation that I know and use well.
I know how to place tears to motivate compassion. It is easy to embellish a story about my day to manipulate pity or praise.
Sometimes I feel like those are the only ways to get the words of appreciation or validation I need from him.
How Do You Love Without Bragging?
As I am learning to let go of the manipulation, God is shining a light on this need I have for approval/validation (I did not see that coming).
How To Handle The Need for Validation In Marriage
To handle the need for validation in marriage we must deal with some hard truths.
- The need for validation is real.
- God’s approval can meet the need for validation.
- My husband can’t read my mind.
We’ve talked about what validation is but I don’t want you to dismiss it as a feeling thing. I need validation. Many people seem to care less what others think about their work and that’s great, but if this is a need in you, don’t push it aside.
Acknowledging that you need to been seen and noticed is a huge step forward.
Live For An Audience of One
God has been reminding me that I need to live for Him, “an audience of one” and come to Him alone for approval.
No, Love Does Not Brag In Marriage
To move away from the habit of bragging to find validation in marriage I want to challenge you today.
- Pick an area you are seeking your husband’s approval, that you should be seeking God’s approval instead.
- Begin praying that God will shine His light every time you step out of His will in this way.
- As you begin taking this need to God, watch as He meets it in extraordinary ways! God is truly able to do far exceedingly abundantly beyond all we could ever ask for or imagine.
Talk To Your Husband About Your Needs
Yes, God can meet your needs, but can I ask you a question? Have you ever talked to your husband about this need? Chances are he’s been just as frustrated as you some days.
Your husband can’t read your mind. If you need validation about something, you need to tell him.
Most of us spend most of our day thinking about our own needs. Many men want to love their wives well, but they are not sure what to say. Just tell him. Instead of bragging or making the story bigger than it is, tell him what you need from him while listening.
Hunny, I had a tough day with the kids and could use some support today. Would you listen to this and tell me I am not failing as a mom?
Chances are you will be met with compassion and love.
How To Show Compassion in a Relationship
One way to love your husband well is to set him up for success. Give him a list of things to say to help you after a long day. This might sound ridiculous, but it has helped our marriage so much.
My husband used to ask two questions.
How was your day? Are you mad at me?
After several years of being aggravated with him I finally asked him what he wanted to hear from my answers. He wanted to know the details of my day and how he could help. And when I seemed frustrated he always assumed it was at him.
Showing compassion to my husband meant giving him a better script. He needed examples of validating statements and some better questions.
Examples of Validating Statements
In learning how to validate a woman, some men just need a script. This can set them up to succeed in marriage communication! Even if the conversation seems strange, push through and suggest some things that make you feel validated.
Instead of how was your day, ask “What was something that you enjoyed about today?”
Instead of, “What’s wrong?” ask, “What can I help you with today?”
Never ask, “Are you mad at me?” Instead ask, “How can I help releive some of your stress?”
Other validating statements are:
- You are doing a wonderful job raising our children.
- Thank you for being so compassionate.
- It means a lot to me that you took care of…
- When you do … I am so proud of you.
Love Does Not Brag To Get Validation in Marriage
The question I would love to answer is, “How do you validate person?” However, what I see in scripture is a need to seek validation from God first. Changing the habit of taking my need to my husband has required so much work but it’s been worth the effort.
My husband comes to me with an empty bucket and I could never fill it alone. God is the one who can meet all our needs. Taking my needs to God first allows me to love my husband – filling his bucket – from a full bucket.
Seeking validation in marriage from an empty bucket ends badly. When I take my need to God to meet, then I am better able to appreciate what my husband does. As opposed to being angry that he didn’t do enough to meet my needs.
It’s a fine line to walk.
Do You Need To Go Deeper?
This is part of the 9-week Marriage Bible Study –Finding Hope & Joy in Marriage. Through this course, we will explore the 9 Biblical foundations of having a successful marriage in God’s way.
This class will include:
- 10 video lessons
- You can watch live or when you have time
- 9 weeks of personal study
- 5 days each week that should take 10-15 minutes
- A private Facebook Group to discuss the homework and talk through the weekly challenges
- 45 Days of Prayer prompts
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