Can a marriage be too broken for The 5 Love Languages to work? I know it’s not what everyone talks about, but Y’all, they just had no affect on us when we first started trying to find the answers. Our Marriage was dead. What we needed -my husband and I – more than anything else was for something to Breathe Life back into it.
Will you indulge me a moment for an illustration?
Imagine our Christian Marriage is like a car… maybe a deep purple VW Bug – with cute seat covers and a steering wheel all decked out in girly stickers… oh, sorry. I have a fantastic imagination.
This car should take us through life with ease – right because there are 2 of us! As a team we can conquer anything… or so I thought.
The 5 Love Languages are like gas. They give the car energy to make it where we are going.
Our Car was broken… let’s say the cause of death was rusted spark plugs. It doesn’t matter how much gas you put in that car – it’s not moving until you replace the spark plugs or clean them – or whatever you do to spark plugs 😉
There is a deeper need in Husband and Wife that must be met before a relationship can move forward.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs says Men Need Respect while women need love.
I disagree about the love bit – I believe women need security before love matters -at least I do.
Men need Respect before they need love
If my husband doesn’t feel respected – no amount of love will speak to him.
In fact, he will shut down and stop any attempts at showing me love or providing me with security.
I remember the first Marriage Retreat hubby and I went to. We were talking about divorce at the time. Anyway, I remember sitting in a room listening to this amazingly couple drone on and on about The 5 Love Languages. We took a test to find out what our Love Language was… Have you taken the test?
The retreat gave us some tools to try out in our Broken Marriage. Tools that frankly – left us hopeless.
You see, we were Broken too deeply for a little gas to start our car. We needed help. 10 years later we are finally in a healthy healing place – a place where we both feel Respect and Security enough to speak love to each other.
Do you need some encouragement to keep pressing into that Daily Commitment? We could all use a community to help us in Reclaiming Hope & Joy in our marriages!
We just finished a 31 day Series to help us Reclaim Hope & Joy in Marriage by Intentionally Investing in our Biblical Wifehood.
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How did we heal the Broken pieces in our Christian Marriage?
For the past several years God has been completely overhauling my understanding of Marriage – specifically my role as a wife in this Christian Marriage.
When I hit rock bottom I finally surrendered it all to Him. Haha, it always goes that way doesn’t it. Why do we have to hit rock bottom before we give God the steering wheel (stickered or otherwise)!?!?!?!
I learned the Power of Words
Words of affirmation is not either of our Love languages, but they were a tool God taught me to use to show Respect to hubby. Seriously, there are so many verses about the Power of our Words. They really convinced me to change!
When that particular lesson began I did not Respect him one bit. I couldn’t think of a single thing he did well or that I couldn’t do better. He had messed up so much and just refused to try so often – that I struggled to find the first thing to admire in him. But God says wives are to Respect their husbands.
How do you speak words of Affirmation to a Husband you don’t respect?
- I had to think back – way back to when we started dating. There were things that drew me to this man.
- He was honest, funny, athletic, a hard worker, etc. I began telling him those things.
- God also prompted me to begin praying for eyes to see my husband the way He sees him.
- I began to see all kinds of good things about this man.. which was hard to believe because I had convinced myself he was 100% bad, worthless and unnecessary for my life. (Sorry if that’s a little to honest… but it was the place I was living.)
- Then I began to dream of the things I wished I saw in him. I started praying for those things – and Y’all, God has faithfully been answering.
- I wanted him to fix the things in the house, the cars, be an active father, lead us spiritually, have good godly guy friends, take the financial burden from me, etc.
“Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be.” ~Ralph Waldo Emmerson
Words of Affirmation (admiration and appreciation) and prayer are 2 of the biggest things that healed our broken Marriage.
Check out these Words of Affirmation Cards in the HopeJoyInChrist Shop, print them out, commit to pray over them and give one per week to your husband for the next year. You will build him up and create momentum for real change in his life!