The Uncomfortable Truth About Sex in a Christian Marriage FtImg (Biblical Wifehood, Reclaiming Hope & Joy in your Marriage)

The Uncomfortable Truth about Sex in a Christian Marriage

Sex is always an uncomfortable subject.  Even as a Married woman, I struggle to talk openly about sex. Crazy right?  Maybe not so crazy, when you think about how little we have real conversations about sex in our society.  Don’t get me wrong, sex is everywhere… but is the media portraying the reality of sex?  Why does no one talk about the uncomfortable truths about sex in a Christian Marriage?

God Designed Sex in a Christian Marriage to be good but the Uncomfortable Truth is that sex is not always what we expect

Yes.  God designed sex.  Sex has been around since creation and it was intended for pleasure as well as bonding and procreation.  However, since the sin entered the world, the enemy has so completely distorted sex and intimacy that we tend to have unrealistic expectations.  So today, we will discuss the importance of sex in a Christian Marriage.  We will also see ways to work through one of the most common Christian marriage intimacy issues.

Disclaimer: If you are in an abusive relationship please talk to someone. There are safe places.  Please find one. Know that you are loved by God and God would want you to get help, and not continue to be hurt.  

The First Truth about Sex in a Christian Marriage: The difference between man and woman sexually is real

My husband is a visual creature.  Yours too.  Naked is one of their favorite words.  He needs to see me naked.  I am the only one who can fulfill my husbands’ sexual needs.  Fulfill his visual need for sexual stimulation.  But I’m not really a sexual being.  I’d rather not be on display.  I don’t want to fulfill his needs many times.  The difference between men and women sexually is alive and well in our home.  How about you? 

We know that sex in a Christian Marriage was designed by God to be a beautiful expression of our love. (Some verses about sex in marriage are: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Hebrews 13:4; Proverbs 5:18-19; 1 Corinthians 7:2 and the entire book of Song of Solomon.)  But it is still hard to navigate all the ways that Husband and wife feel differently about sex.

For years I ignored the differences and we began having intimacy issues

The first step in how to fix intimacy problems in a marriage is to acknowledge that men and women have different sexual needs and expectations.

My husband has sexual needs, physical needs in marriage.  His wife has sexual needs, physical and emotional needs in marriage.  Understanding that they are different goes a long way.

Understanding Your Husbands physical Needs in Marriage

Your husband was created by God with sexual needs.  You are the only acceptable sexual anything your husband can have without sin.

ouch.  Did I mention this would be uncomfortable?

Your husband needs you to be a sexual being.  By denying him what he was created to need in the Christian bedroom – you are NOT removing the need God put in him.  You are removing the only way he can meet that need without sin. That is the truth about your husband’s physical needs in Marriage.  They are needs.

A simple Illustration to explain the need for sex in Marriage

What would happen if your husband suddenly outlawed eating chocolate in your home?  Gasp!  Just go with me a second while I set the scene for today’s sex talk:

Your husband is shocked that you want to eat chocolate.  He goes out of his way to explain the dangers of eating chocolate.

You try to ignore the candy aisle in the store.

Maybe you do well for a while denying yourself that sweet comfort food.

But then Aunt Flo comes for a visit and you are desperate.

You reason, ‘He knew I loved chocolate when we were dating.  How dare he try to change me.  I need chocolate.  I love chocolate.  Chocolate is not really bad in moderation.’

Imagine the righteous indignation as you sneak into that back drawer.  The one where you were secreting away a Hershey’s Kiss.

Can you feel the pleasure of the melted chocolate on your tongue?

Feel the nervous tingles as you listen for his footsteps in the hall.

Nervously praying his game doesn’t go to commercial before you can hide the evidence of your indiscretion.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Sex in a Christian Marriage PinIt (Biblical Wifehood, Reclaiming Hope & Joy in your Marriage)


Your husband can no more deny your husbands need for sex than you can deny your need for chocolate.

Okay, so it is a simple illustration and maybe you don’t like chocolate, insert coffee, books, gardening, or some other harmless thing that makes you…you.

The point is that your husband was created to need sex.  Not the twisted, distorted, perverted sex that is selfish and hurtful, but the physical connection of being intimate, physically intimate with you, his wife.  Sex in a Christian Marriage is a way we are one flesh and we stay connected.

What causes Christian Marriage Intimacy Issues?

I always knew my husband was a sexual creature.  Do you remember making out and all that fun stuff early in your relationship?  I loved that.  What happened to change my mind about sex?  What caused the Christian Marriage Intimacy Issues in the first place?

*I believed the enemy’s lies about sex and body image… did you?

The enemy has been distorting God’s perfect design for sex in a Christian Marriage since the beginning.  Today he has twisted the picture of sex in the media.  The medias image of sexuality is unrealistic; thin, tanned, blond, sumptuously proportioned in alluring ways.

Beautiful women Fake.  Nothing like what I look like.

I kill myself trying to become that image – that fake woman I see in movies and commercials.  I’m not alone.  In our culture women go from diet to surgery, fashion style to a tanning salon, all in the attempt to become the illusion.


I can’t speak for you, but I always feel like I am competing with that fake woman.  How could he love me or want to be intimate with me when he sees all these other -more beautiful women?

Maybe it’s just me.  In the bedroom when the clothes go away I am suddenly anxious, ashamed, embarrassed and desperate to hide.  I think: ‘Don’t look at me, I’m ugly’.  ‘I have stretch marks from babies and failed diets’.  ‘Nothing is in the right place anymore’.  ‘Let’s get this over with.    

His Truth is so far from that.

He sees a beautiful woman – the woman he fell in love with.  All the flaws I see when I look in the mirror DO NOT cross his mind in that moment.  He sees all the things that are really sexy – to him.

Each man is different, but they all enjoy looking at particulate body parts.

You have those parts.

He wants to see you naked.  Wants to look and touch and not feel ashamed to do so.

Proverbs 5:18-19

How can we get over our shame and embarrassment and encourage our husband in the way he was created?

We were at a marriage conference some years ago by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot.  They said something that helped change my way of thinking about my body and sex.

“Let your husband be your mirror”

Don’t look at the mirror and believe what you see.  Let your husband speak what he sees when he looks at you.  And believe him.  Don’t call him a liar because you see the flaws in your mirror.

As women, we have the amazing capacity to encourage other women when they feel fat or ugly or rejected.  We say something over and over…

Beauty is on the inside.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Precious wife.  You need to stand in that mirror and talk to yourself today.

Remind yourself that Beautify in the eye of the beholder.  Stop looking at the flaws.  Look to the inside.

  • Your character is amazing. 
  • You are a great friend. 
  • No one listens better than you. 
  • You are a woman of honor and wisdom. 
  • Kindness shines through your eyes every day. 
  • You. Are. Beautiful.

Listen when that man tells you about your beauty.  Believe him.

When the lights go down and the clothes come off and you want to hide or rush…  Remind yourself that you are beautiful.  He sees your beauty.  Let him enjoy it.

You will both enjoy sex so much more when that is your thought life.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things” (Philippians 4:8 NASB).

As usual, I am talking to me today too.  As often as I think this is fixed, it pops back up again. We are in this together sister.

I’m praying for you today.

in HIM,

Check out some of these other posts you will enjoy:


Sharing is Caring!

Tiffany Montgomery

Tiffany of Hope Joy in Christ inspires Christian Women to grow in faith, live out Biblical Marriage Principles and raise Godly Children.  Join the Wives Only Facebook Group here or keep up with her through Pinterest.

100 thoughts to “The Uncomfortable Truth about Sex in a Christian Marriage”

  1. This is all well and good, it my husband without discussion has decided no more sex just roommates Hating every day, because after 34 years of putting up with his selfishness I have had it and yet this is a covenant made with God not just hubby so distressed at this I am in counseling but still the chasm between us is wide and deep

    1. I’m so sorry you are in this situation Debbie. Praying for healing and peace and strength through the process of reconciliation. Praying you get to the point of reconciliation because it def requires 2. praying for love and support to come around you and encourage you through this difficult season.

      1. And when he doesn’t want to look at me? When HE doesn’t want a physical relationship with me? When I am the one being rejected daily? What then? I treat him like a king and I am barely more than an afterthought to him. I’m heartbroken. I’m devastated. I’m destroyed.

        1. That is such a heartbreaking situation Sheri. I am so sorry you are in it. Praying for you in this season. My advice is always to pray over it. There has to be a reason he is behaving this way and God promises to Give us wisdom when we ask (James 1:5). No man ever plan to get to a place of not wanting sex with his wife. There has to be something happening heart deep with him. I will be praying with you over this. And Praying for you to keep faith and turn to God with all of your anger and frustration. He can handle it and help in these hard seasons.

      2. I too have been there Debbie I was married 21years but only roommates for the last 10 of it…I won’t get in to the whole thing but after years of praying and staying he snapped on or son and it was at that point he decided he needed to leave the marriage, I walked to my room but the door and asked God What do I do God .?? Fight for this marriage??? God was clear as the day “let it go….Am I hearing you right God …Let him go God said… It was like a million tons of briks was lifted off me in that moment…My life was forever changed to the better from that moment on…

        1. It is so sad when things deteriorate to that point… but it really does take 2 to make a marriage work. I pray you are well after all of that Angela. It can be a brave step to walk away sometimes… and critical to place boundaries to protect yourself and your children.

      3. How can I let my husband be my mirror when his eyes spend so much time on other women? Even when I was young and extremely beautiful, both body and face, his eyes looked elsewhere, and I gave him sex all the time and fulfilled his fantasies that I didn’t enjoy, but I pretended to. Now I’m older and not so beautiful, body or face. I still give him sex. No surprise, his eyes still love to look everywhere else. He snaps photos of women he sees somewhere, him and his coworkers alert each other where a piece of eye candy is so they can all go piglet, and more. My mirror was fine. But years of this broke my mirror. And if his eyes are my mirror, all I will see is what isn’t me. I couldn’t compete when I was beautiful. I surely can’t compete now. I have a high sex drive. He is bad in bed. Always has been. But I stayed faithful and made him feel like he was great. I still do. All while his mirror shatters my heart. I don’t want him to be my mirror. But I married him, so he is the mirror I’m stuck with. Marriage, for me, sucks. Almost 30 years of being a sex toy, cook, caretaker and whatever else. And he is happy as long as I don’t have feelings about anything, except to express how happy I am with him. Once in a while, I fail and let him see me cry. He gets angry and pouts until I become a Stepford wife again. Although his anger and pouting does work because he makes life so miserable that I can’t even cry anymore. So then I go back to being the stupid wife who ignores what her husband does and serves him without complaint, until I fail again. Today I failed. Now I’m crying. He is angry and pouting. So, it’s time to stop crying. It’s the only way this ends. And to go tell him I’m sorry and was just being a stupid hormonal woman and he is wonderful. Then life can go back to empty instead of empty and surrounded by anger and pouting. And for those who think talking to him would work. It doesn’t. I’m not even allowed to have a feeling about something that doesn’t even pertain to him. If I try to talk, he gets mad and pouts. If I don’t turn back into a Stepford wife soon, he lets his anger and pouting flow to everyone else. He never stops and he makes life unbearable everyone. So I am now going to go apologize. Then he will be happy. Everyone will think he is great. His friends and coworkers think he is lucky to have a submissive, non-complaining servant as a wife who is too dumb to notice his playtime activities, and think he is such a great guy. Ok, enough of my rambling. Off to go say sorry for my bad crying and ask for forgiveness and then thank him for his wonderfullness. And while I do, his eyes, his mirror, will reveal his relief that he won again and then will turn cold as he instantly ignores any part of my heart or mind, except the parts that praise him, serve him, or help him when he has a problem. Times like these, I struggle not to look back at men I turned away for my husband and struggle not to let myself daydream of another man or even no man at all. I’m so tired!

        1. I hear you and your broken heart here. First I would say that submission is not about doing everything the husband wants and having no voice. I just wrote about this – Submission is about a hierarchy where God is first… and that sometimes means you obey God over your husband honestly.

          This article was written for wives in a healthy marriage relationship and it sounds like your husband is not loving you like Christ loved the Church… that is not healthy. When wives come to me in situations where their husbands ignore their needs, look to other women and demand “submission” I recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage and a trip to a good Christian counselor (for you apart from him because he would just lie to a counselor and that wouldn’t help you). Get some advice from someone who sees this kind of behavior regularly and can help you set those godly boundaries.

          In this case, God is your mirror. You are created in His image. You are beautiful, love and worth being loved.

          I am praying for you today… for God’s wisdom and direction about how to find His plan with joy and hope. I am also praying for your husband to have a wake up call to how blessed he is and how he should be treating his wife. I am praying for hope and healing, for GOd to move in ways that are clearly Him to help restore your hope and faith.

          You are not alone… this is common yet completely unacceptable. There are paths to reconciliation and I am praying with you to find one. Please reach out anytime you need to chat. I am always around to pray and seek the Lord’s wisdom. Shoot me a message on social medial anytime (much quicker to reach me than email 😉 )

        2. I am so sorry with what is happening to your marriage & I can relate to that. Why do our husbands are full of pride? It’ also 30 yrs.since the beginning of our marriage that he does all those things like you’ve experienced. Yes, all we have to do as christian wives is to submit to them & still they are so abusive. But this helps me to seek & know more about God that I prayed to God that satan won’t use my husband to test my faith anymore. Yes, it is so helpless & tiring but this is God’s way to make us even more stronger. I always think that God really love me so much to give me this kind of challenges. Today the Holy Spirit leads me to do Fasting & Praying.
          I pray to God for your victory.
          Always think that God love you more to give you this chalenges in life.
          Always Praise & Worship in all your sorrows & happiness.
          God bless. In God we will win this battle. Love you.

          1. In my life I’ve been as full of pride as my husband honestly but I agree that God is often trusting us with hardship at times – though not abuse. Abuse is never ever okay! Standing with you in prayer over your marriage today, Maria.

        3. BB, I cried for you today when I read your post. I am a man and reading what cruelty, emotional abuse your husband has delivered you made me cry. You deserve more, so much more. I hope you can reset boundaries with your husband. If he pouts he is nothing more than your child, Give him back to his mother and tell her to finish raising him, then you may take him back.

          I am a man who faces a similar fate with my wife. 25 years without any physical ( yes even small things like holding hands) or emotional intimacy. I live alone in a prison (like you) with the person who is supposed to be my comfort , who took a vow before family friends and God to love honor & cherish, and like your husband, does not. Our spouses have run from their vows and abandoned their commitment.

          I pray you find your answer, and I mine..

          My heart bleeds for you

        4. Ditto, just not as horrible; and its year 2 of marriage. My first , his second. And I waited for sex. I’m 51, hes 65. No way out
          Trying to trust Christ in this but hate waiting on God for things I know are in Gods will. Dont know why God ignores my prayers.

    2. This is me…the husband having these probs. Seems ideas/thoughts are turned topsy-turvy in my household.

  2. Great job, Tiffany! This post on sex as God designed it in marriage is spot on. You and I have the same issues. Neal is wonderful about reminding me of the very things you pointed out about our society, commercials, magazines, etc., and how unrealistic it is to try to be someone who has been air-brushed on film and in photos. The issues of sexual abuse go deep, and not just for me; Neal is also a survivor. We have that deep connection which brings so much understanding and patience to our relationship. We’re older now with all kinds of health issues, so sex is not so important these days, but oh those memories! Love you! Aunt P

  3. Thank you Tiffany
    An encouraging post. Truthfully, I have had those moments with those very thoughts. Lies from the enemy to taint our minds and undermine our marital relationship with our spouse. I pray that we free ourselves from these lies, by God’s strength, to pursue our men as they pursue us…

  4. It’s funny how God works! The very things about my physical appearance I do not like are the things my husband loves—genuinely loves! Yes, let’s let God be our mirror. And then let’s let our husbands speak life over us with his words.

  5. How do I talk to someone about this? I am extremely concerned about her and her husband since they are young and newly married and she is not interested in sex beyond procreation…her husband is understandably very unhappy and disappointed and has even said such to some family members. She is very private but she will be very embarrassed and upset if this gets back to her as well. Do I just pray or is there something I can say or do? I have never had many problems in this area so I am a little baffled. Also, her husband is a good man, and constantly trying to please her, though he is human of course. And I worry that he may fall into sin if she doesn’t change. He is very young and though I don’t think he would be unfaithful to her, lust can rise up if marriage needs aren’t met. This can lead to shame and self-loathing as well as anger and bitterness. Any advice?

    1. I love that your heart wants to help and shine the truth in love… Can I advise caution? Spend a good deal of time in prayer about this. Ask God for wisdom and discernment. As much as you may have the truth she needs… She will not receive it until and unless God softens her heart and convinces her to seek out an answer. Ask God to help you know when to speak, what to speak and how to speak it. He can season our words with Grace in His own mysterious way. But most of All, pray that He will prepare her heart and give you a Clear sign about when to pour this into her heart. I will be praying as well LM!

  6. Beautifully said Tiffany! It was interesting how you described eating the chocolate in the other room because that referenced for me the other side of the story we don’t like to talk about—men and pornography. Not that we as women are driving our men to the other room to feast on the chocolate of pornography—but it does become more difficult for our husbands to not go that route if there is an unhealthy sexual relationship between our husbands and us as their wives. He longs for connection and physiological the only way that happens for him is through sexual experiences. Great post!

    1. Yes, a subtle comparison! Great eye Sonya! I’d never lay the responsibility of his fall to my behavior 100%… but I believe in a marriage we each contribute to the others chance for success or failure. We come alongside one another to build up and bear burdens… and love in deep profound selfless ways. When we are both healthy and functioning in our roles it is a beautiful picture!

  7. I think you did an excellent and tactful presentation of a challenging topic! I even had my hubby read this, because you addressed some of the same issues and discussions he and I have had about our own intimate life.

  8. I just don’t understand all these articles & nobody ever mentions when a husband has a low sex drive & yes it’s medical reasons,,but what am I supposed to do? I still have needs also! Just left lonely with no satisfaction

    1. Hi Mary. I haven’t been in that spot so I can’t begin to understand or address all that must be there. I’m so sorry your in that place. It must be so lonely. I did spend some time praying over this comment and asking some other women in Ministry how they respond to these kinds of situations. You are not alone in this struggle. I wonder why more women don’t speak up about the issue!

      These are some resources shared with me for you and the countless others in this situation. “When couples struggle with low sex drive for any reason, it deeply affects every area of their relationship. Counseling can help them figure out how to deal with the pain and possible offer ideas to still connect intimately.” (that bit could be fun if he is open to other ways to be intimate 😉 she says blushing)
      Some blogs that address these things – and with humor (always a plus when talking about tough topics with sex) are, , , and one article in particular that was recommended is

      And again a counselor friend said “This issue is a complex one and I believe takes someone skilled in the area to work with couples to assess their beliefs, couple interactions outside of the bedroom, and ability to talk and work together inside the bedroom.”

      Don’t stay stuck in the place of Lonely with no satisfaction. Talk with someone who can help you both get to a better place.

      As one who hasn’t dealt with this all I can say is I’m praying for you… and all the you’s who didn’t comment but thought the same thing.

  9. I think you did so well on this topic which we all face at some point. So glad I found you over at Grace Girls recently! I am one of the KY bloggers. Keep sharing!

  10. Hi there,

    Thank you for being honest and what you have said is very true, I must admit I never viewed things as you have mentioned. So I have learned a lot.

    My question though is though I love having sex with my husband of 20 years, I have been open to try new things, I have even suggested new things, and am not ashamed to be naked with him. I have struggled as he has a problem with pornography, since the beginning but I wasn’t aware of it at first.
    In the last five years or so it has gotten very, very bad. We are both Christians and I have tried addressing the issue with him, in a number of ways, but it only ends up in a huge fight.
    I must say I do struggle as I find myself believing that I am not good enough any more, and now much worse as I am older now (42) I was 21 when we married, and have had 3 children….He doesn’t seem to like my naked body, or even notice me when I am naked…..
    I love my husband and understand that it is an addiction, but sometimes it doesn’t make it any easier.
    Maybe you have a suggestion for me? I would really appreciate it.

    Thank you

    1. This is such a hard place to be. Pornography really takes hold of us in so many ways we never imagined… and once you are hooked it is hard to see that the addiction is destroying your spouse. My advice is talk to someone. A counselor at church would be a good starting place. This is an epedimic sweeping our nation and they have resources to help. I also HIGHLY recommend a Secret Wives only group Beth Kelley and Rebekah Hallberg run (They have been through it in a rough way and love to equip and encourage women with Hope). This is the link to sign up for the group. They will help in ways other can not… because until you have lived this one… you really can’t offer advice. I will be praying for you and your family!

  11. I am a newly wed with a sexual history I am not proud of. My husband and I waited until we were married though and I was excited to have sex with him. However, the honeymoon was a disappointment for me. Sex felt mostly painful for me and I cry almost every day for some reason. I am very sensitive. My husband is a Godly man and I trust him. We are both extremely frustrated with the situation right now and it creates a lot of fights. I pray about it every day but I am too ashamed to speak with family and friends or even mentors. What can I do?

    1. Hi Adele, I am so sorry that is your experience. So frustrating when you know sex should be good but it just isn’t… and it can be bad for SOOO many reasons. Some things that come to mind immediately are that there can be physical reasons sex hurt. I would talk to your doctor and make sure everything is okay medically. Then I would suggest some podcasts. It really helps for Hubby and I both to listen – and he takes other men to heart (just a guy thing) so if another man is talking about sex and how to do it better or more sensitively it will get through to him. I Trust and love listening to Jolene and Eric Engle – check out this Podcast and another blogger who talk straight about sex is Sheila Gregoire – check out Her Sex Category Hope this help and know I am praying for you in this season. It will get better – believing it in Jesus Name!

  12. This was a great article but I never see anyone just say it’s ok to not like sex. Seriously. After 13 years of marriage, and un unfortunate sexual history prior, I just got sick of it. We have four kids. I absolutely do not have enough time in the day to let my husband work up a sweat on top of me. Not to mention the disgusting clean up afterward. I’m sorry, I just think that a woman’s needs ought to be considered, and not every woman finds sex appealing. Regardless of what the Bible says. I don’t think I’m sinning against God by opting out of something I have never liked, and quite frankly find distasteful. So why am I being shamed for it by every single article on Christian marriage? Not coming down on you, I’m just very curious as to why the Christian community is pushing this ideology that in order to be a godly wife I have to allow my body to be used for my husband’s personal ‘needs’.
    P.S I’m asking you because out of the last ten articles I’ve read about being a godly wife, you are the only one who didn’t insinuate that if I don’t put out I have only myself to blame for whatever recourse my hubby resorts to. It’s a s

    1. Hi confused. I have literally read your comment 100 times at this point thinking you sound like me… I have so many of those thoughts – often.

      I can’t discount that the Bible DOES say we are not to deny each other sex because temptation will come (1 Corinthians 7:5).

      Honestly, I try to be real on this site – real about where I understand things and real about where I am still struggling to figure things out. Sex is an area that is beyond me. But… I bring a lot of baggage into our marriage. Abuse, pornography addiction, past sex partners, betrayal and so much more. I don’t enjoy sex… though sometimes I’d like sex I could literally live my life without it I think.

      But he can’t. it really is tied into how men are wired. I don’t get that, but I accept it. And I love my husband. I see his need and meet his need. I try to think of Ephesians 2:3-4 when I think about showing love to my husband in ways I don’t like much but he loves…

      Part of Biblical Wifehood – most days for me anyway- is doing whatever God says, weather I really want to – asking Him to Help me want to… no let me be honest. Asking Him to help me want to want to. And When I come to God in humility – saying I don’t get this but I trust You and want to do it Your way- He meets me where I am and honors my obedience.

      Now, about sex… yeah that is still hard. I am still studying and praying God will help me like it. There are some amazing women I follow who write about this. I’ve linked to several in other comments on this post but can’t get to them right now, scroll a bit and see how they talk through it.

      I am praying with you through this. Oh, and you may like this article I am reading now about better understanding what healthy sexuality looks like in a Christian marriage. It is long but so good. I even sent it to hubby who pulled some things out to try.

      1. There it is…’how men are wired.’ Men, not husbands and that includes single men. A single man has absolutely NO outlet for his sexual urges (nor do women for that matter), but once he is married, his urges and desires suddenly become ‘needs’ which MUST be met. This paradox is never addressed on Christian blogs.

        1. I hear what you are saying, Jill. I am not legitimizing men’s urges or desires in an ungodly way perse, only saying that in marriage there is a safe place for physical intimacy without shame or guilt that there is a desire for the same. We were created with a very normal sexual drive and marriage is where that can be exercised with blessing and joy. When that is taken to the extreme or beyond what God intended or what the partner wants and is comfortable with there are other issues that need to be addressed for sure.

          I believe you will find many Christian blogs address the issue of over-sexualization, the need for self control and discipline. Focus on the Family, New Life, The Marriage After God, Fierce Marriage, Steve Arterburn, and many others come to mind. I pray you find them encouraging as they seek to add Biblical clarity to the issue of misguided sexual intimacy as well as sexual abuse, pornography addiction, infidelity, and more.

      2. Does your husband understand your desire to meet his needs at the expense of your own? Does he work with you to try to find ways to help you enjoy sex? Does he try to meet your needs too? You don’t mention how he responds to your needs.

    2. Confused, I am so sorry to read your post. Your view is typical of many christian women, which is very sad to me. (Please read read this with a tone of sympathy and not of condemnation. My heart breaks for you!)
      Sex is a gift from God. He created it. And everything He created is beautiful and good. What happened is SIN. Sin tainted our whole world, including the area of intimacy and sex. Abuse and sin can warp our view of sex, and I feel that may be the case here. “Distasteful” is an adjective that was never meant to describe sex with our spouse. Sex should be mutually enjoyable and pleasurable. If it is not, then something needs to be addressed by a professional. NO, you are not a bad wife for not wanting sex. However, I truly believe you are missing out on God’s best for you- to be desired by and to desire your spouse with out shame or guilt. True intimacy is spiritual, emotional and physical. And all three are needed to enjoy a fulfilling sex life, and to enjoy our marriage to the fullest.
      One thing the Christian community has severely neglected is the husband’s role to “nourish and cherish” there wives as “Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:29). If more men stepped up to be the true servant leaders God designed them to be, we as wives would be much more inclined to meet their needs. Sadly, selfishness (which is SIN) is so permeant, even in the Church.
      Again, I am so sorry you feel this way about sex. It is not God’s view. It’s not God’s intent or design. There is a SIN problem that needs to be address – whether it’s a SIN committed against you or the SIN of your husband, it needs to be address by a professional counselor. Hugs to you!

  13. Really great article. Had 10 years of an incorrect, guilt ridden, lonely, seperate, mismatched, he’ll of a messy marriage. I tried to fix it, tried to fix him, tried to reestablish justice, tried to control, tried to fight for it…. and let go for a good 3 years. Recently things have turned around. The first thing I did was turn desperately to God’s Word. For 2 years I woke 30min early and studied. I took Christian and Bible classes at a Christian college, and I got heavily involved in my church. At first it was a drag, honestly. However, now I am obsessed with it, want to know everything about Scripture, can carry on heavy theological arguments and find myself literally pondering it with joy in my heart over concepts and verses. I started to pray about my marriage, a complete impossibility, I was under no illusion that it would improve. Then, it did. I suddenly started obsessing about the beauty that marriage, in its perfect intended form, was supposed to be. And I wanted that more than anything in my life. I began with sex. I did not try to talk, I did not try to build trust, I just started wanting him and not caring what he had said in the past or how he had made me feel. Talking happened next, extremely minimally. I only explained that I was not manipulating, the Holy Spirit was trying to work here. He yielded. Lately, I have realized, God is not only trying to save this marriage, He is trying to improve me. So, now I do not dwell on my husband’s failures, I literally ignore them. And instead look at my own goals, using the perfect examples that God supplies. Has this all been rainbows? Not at all. But, we are connecting and through the physical and vulnerable act of God’s gift (sex), we are beginning. We are doing it His way….. just thought this might help a few of you. And keep praying. For help as well as patience and strength.

    1. Sorry, real short. Let God take care of justice. Do not dwell on what is fair and unfair. Marriage is unfair. Period. However, you have an opportunity to be the source of your husband’s pleasure. That is the key. And after that, other things happen. We trust each other more, we are nicer to each other…. it is a step. Why? Because God wants that. Make sure you are commtied to Christ first. He is the Groom afterall, and then let Him guide you. And be patient. No magic wands. Just do not say no.

  14. Really good read ! I know this is meant for the ladies but it helped me understand things about myself too. Thank you for writing this !

  15. I read your post via Melissa at Humblefaithfamilywellness, and found it so encouraging. Having a long term chronic illness can add complexity. I love the way you express “let your husband be your mirror”. I had never thought of that. Thank you.

  16. This is an interesting article, but if you ever write a similar one in the future, depending on the point you want to make, you might want to choose a different metaphor.

    Nobody needs chocolate. They might want it, but they don’t need it. Europeans, Africans, Asians, Australians, and North Americans lived and died without even knowing chocolate existed until fairly recently, and even South Americans consumed it in a far different form than we do today. Chocolate is not necessary for the furthering of the human race.

    It is possible to use the metaphor of chocolate to describe many things, but I don’t thing that was the intended message.

    1. The chocolate analogy is greatly overused in Christian sex blogs. I often roll my eyes and the thought ‘here we go again’ crosses my mind. In fact, the gravity of the subject of the article is minimized by the frivolousness of the chocolate comparison. It can also makes women look silly and shallow.

      1. I understand where you are coming from. The topic of sexual intimacy is not to be taken lightly and I’d love a new analogy. How would you explain this to a wife struggling with the weight of all of life who isn’t really interested in sexual intimacy but who’s husband is?

        1. I really don’t know. I don’t think there is an anology that we can use. I’d rather have it straight and to the point without stories that have nothing to do with the issue.

  17. So I know this is probably something weird for me to be reading considering I’m not married yet but am getting married in Aug, but this post help me so very much!! Thank you!! I have a history of sexual abuse from my birth father and that has always slanted my view of myself. So being 23 about to get married I am so worried that my soon to be husband will see all of me and reject me. Which of course he has told me he is not because he knows how beautiful I am with clothes on and the person I am is beautiful. I have never believed anyone including him. But what you said really touched me! To let him be my mirror, not to look in the mirror. I’m so glad God gave me this man who loves me and I have confidence knowing that once he marries me and the clothes come off he isn’t going to shame me. I’m not so scared anymore because the one thing that made me terrified was he was going to see all of me that I don’t like and wish was skinnier, tanner and no stretch marks and reject me. But now I know he loves me for me and he’s not gonna do that. He may have let a comment here and there about what he likes about me slip so with everything I read I have confidence going into this marriage especially the marriage night which is going to be awkward and new with ease and not angst. I can not thank you enough!!

  18. Hi tiffany, that was shocking like u said uncomfortable but true, Gods intention were perfect in marriage His way, u really did lift my spirit blessings to you…

  19. Wonderful post!! As women, we can be so harsh about ourselves. But you’re right, the reality is that our husbands love us just the way we are. Thank you for being so real and honest in your posts!

  20. She doesn’t wanna have sex, won’t talk about, tries to dominate me in the marriage which I refuse to let happen btw. She refuses counseling but my faith is really being tried here. Is there anything I can do biblically? She won’t even respond to relevant bible verses.

    1. I hear your heart Demetrius. My advise when things seem beyond hope in any area of marriage is to Fast and pray. Take it to God to fight over for you. Show more love than you think is possible. Forgive easily, daily, quickly. God can do amazing things to change hearts when we fall on our knees and humbly ask Him to intervene. It’s funny, everytime I bring an issue to Him He works through it… and usually shows me my heart is wrong about some of it too. We grow together and it helps our marriage heal and be stronger. I am praying for you and this situation.

  21. Thank you for this post. It has made me view sex in a different way.
    My concern in my marriage is tha my husband and i have sex only once every 3-4months and ghis has been the case for the last 6 years that we have been married. Initially my husband initiated sex, but i would avoid it because of past shame and guilt. I got over that, but I think he then “lost interest.”
    I make efforts to show him my naked body and wear attractive lingerie, but he doesn’t even look at me twice. I have tried to put our toddler in her cot so we could cuddle at least, but he doesn’t seem interested. He’s tired all the time and sleeps on the couch every night till about 2am when he joins me in bed. I hate myself for ever pushing him away i have tried to ask if I could do anyhing differently but he assures me it’s not my fault, we jusg need to make time (which we never do). I really dont know what to do or think of this situation.

    1. Man can I relate to this. We lived this way for so long… My answer is always Prayer. God can heal what has been broken… sometimes He is the only one who can. Honestly take this to Him and wait while He mends the broken pieces.

  22. I am thinking of having a plastic surgery and while I’ve been looking for christian perspective … somehow lead me to this page. Well, I am 45 year old woman. Never married. Always waiting to be loved. Maybe I am in a dream world but a good few months back we came together with some women friends of mine and spent the evening together. It ended as one of the most beautiful moments of my life. The masks fell and we saw each other in their deepest struggles. One of my friends shared how she never been intimate with her husband in their 7 years of marriage. I was only listening … other experienced women giving advice. Suddenly I disappeared in my thoughts. What are the most beautiful moments in our lives with God and people? For me when finally I give up wearing a mask. When I let go all the lies, fake image and let Him to see me truly as I am. Or when my little friend opens his heart to share something which really disturbs him … huge issue for him … the connection on a deeper level … the trust from his side … Standing in front of a man, letting go everything I try to cover up with mentally, emotionally, physically … seeing me as I am … naked and vulnerable … and still loving me … I even can’t explain how much I am longing for this. Not for the sex itself but for this very deep connection I never experienced as a christian. We can take so many things for granted. Other people would give the world for this.

  23. Such a great reminder for Christian marriages – during our premarital counseling, my husband and I were recommended the book “Sheet Music” and it has been a great resource for us.

  24. Intimacy in marriage is an important topic, even though some of us would rather not talk about it! With so many marriages crumbling, we need to be up front about it.

  25. Tiffany, this was a very interesting point of view. I hope this post blesses someone in their quest for intimacy in marriage. Thank you.

  26. I love the Parrot’s they have great wisdom and sound advice. I think intimacy can be in different forms depending on the age of the couple. What was all about sex becomes even deeper and takes on new meaning for a couple especially if there are health issues.

  27. Such a great topic to discuss!! This can be a sensitive post but I do admire your courage for writing this!! I do believe that intimacy is important in a marriage and communication with your partner is always the key

  28. Tiffany, I don’t know if you are still monitoring the comments on this page, but I hope you are.
    First, thanks for the article.
    Second, there is a significant typo in the article, where you wrote, “He sees a beautiful woman – the women he fell in love with.” I assume that you meant to write “the womAN” he fell in love with; not “the womEN.”
    Anyway, please feel free to remove this comment from the page. I tried to find an email address where I could send you this correction note privately, but couldn’t find one. Sorry if I missed it. Happy Resurrection Day to you!
    – a guy.

  29. Good info in the article. However, one thing is missing from the article. The wife, knowing her husband is Visual, should make efforts to be healthy and attractive physically as much as possible. It is important to the husband.

    1. Taking care of the temple of God is important for all believers for sure, though I don’t see a Biblical mandate that says it impacts marriage. Over the centuries beauty, outward beauty, has been defined in many ways. In this century I believe the photoshopped beauty we are aiming for is unhealthy and not the best way to care for God’s temple. While I believe we should all strive to eat well and stay active I can’t advise women to aim for a certain body shape to please their husbands. There is definitely a fine line to walk in this area. Neither husband nor wife should require the other to reach for anything unattainable and both should be drawn to the beauty within more and more. And where attraction has been lost open conversation and prayer should come into the picture about why.

  30. Hi Tiffany, hope ur still monitoring the comments: I need help, I love my husband but have such a a hard time w sex. I can’t ever get into it mentally. In my mind it feels dirty. I know that’s horrible and totally not true! I know it’s a beautiful gift God have us married couples! I want to enjoy it! But it’s still so hard for me to act sexy for my husband bc I feel dirty. Help!

    1. I can so relate, Krissy. As a victim of sexual abuse in my early life sex has always been a struggle. It is still not something wonderful to me, but I have found helpful in learning what God says about sex. This series on YouTube on the Song of Solomon was helpful…–&index=63 as was counseling and lots of prayer over this area. I am standing with you in prayer over this.

  31. Your article has helped my situation. I’m realizing my husband loves me the way I am.

    Last year I dreaded a good friend coming over to visit, she is tall and thin with long black hair and beautiful features, high check bones and delicate build. I feared my husband would be attracted to her, I even asked him what he sees in me. The biggest surprize was he loves my curves and rounded appearance, more sturdy build..

    I have to see myself through my husbands eyes and not judge myself anymore.

    1. That’s amazing, Coralie. The enemy is good at getting us to see what we think we lack, but often letting our husband speak into the mirror is just what we need to be in the right now reality of what he loves. I’m so glad he was able to speak life into your fears. Praying you can see yourself through his eyes and God’s eyes more often!

  32. Why did you say “My husband has sexual needs, physical needs in marriage. His wife has sexual needs, physical and emotional needs in marriage.” In your experience, are the emotional needs of men truly insignificant? You make us into inhuman monsters without emotions–or alternativly angels with only perfected ones. I know I am neither.

    1. I hear your point. Everyone is different for sure and of course, both men and women have emotional and physical needs which are both significant. I should reword that. Praying you are well.

  33. I have a question, if men have sexual needs, why shouldn’t they have sex before marriage? If it is a physical need like food or water, shouldn’t they be having sex before marriage? I am not married and I believe in not having sex before marriage, but I always wondered this. To me, it is a strange thought that a wife’s “job” is to be there (sexually) for her husband, even if she does not want to be.

    1. A wife has many jobs… but sex in marriage is a joy to share not a job. It is our responsibility to care for each other and to obey God in that. Of course, God says sex is reserved for marriage so we wait for then. I think a better way to look at the “need” of sexual fulfilment is to see it from the Song of Solomon 8:4. “Do not awaken love until it is time”. Once that sexual awareness is awakened it can be a very driving force. Self-control and self-discipline are important but in marriage, we can share that pleasure with joy and not condemnation.

      1. Hello, hopefully you see this message and are well. Though I do have a question. I am not Christian neither religious but do enjoy reading your articles. One thing i noticed about articles about godly wives is they tell women that they must submit to their husband no matter what, which brings me to the question…Are women just sex toys for men and caretakers for the children? I also seen a comment above that said women should never say no which can be harmful to teach young girls and women as they could be sexually abused.

        1. Thanks for commenting. Honestly, I would never say anyone should submit no matter what. Never. Submission is a choice we make and it can be a difficult choice for sure. Why submit? For Christians, the Bible teaches that we each submit to each other – not just a wife to her husband, but a husband to his wife. This is about mutual respect and love. The Bible also teaches us to outdo each other in showing honor and love. It’s a princible for life. When he is not living that out toward his wife, and abuse comes into the picture she needs to walk away and get help!

  34. Interesting. I have questions. If men are more visual, and it’s normal for them to view women as sexual creatures or objects, then why does Jesus say, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

    If men have this insatiable and incontrollable “need” for sex why does the word say, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” God created us with self control.

    Also, I’ve noticed a lot of Christian teachings focus primarily on the wife, and how she must go to great lengths to please her husband, but rarely any teachings on how husbands must treat their wives. Yet, the bible speaks of both. I’ve read a study that Christian women also stay in abusive marriages far longer than non-believers. I think this is because we live in a male dominated society and a lot of Christians teachings persuade victims to enable abuse. Enabling abuse is not loving, nor biblical.

    Now, I am not married, but marriage should be rooted in love, mutual respect, and caring for one another. God comes before your spouse. Marriage is not all about sex , it’s for procreation, or wives pleasing their husbands, but husband and wife pleasing each other.

    1. Some great points, Karla. Marriage is def not all about sex and the husband absolutely has responsibilities as well. This is one I need to come back to and update. Thanks for bringing these things to my attention. Praying over you for blessings and God’s favor in your life!

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