How to Improve Intimacy in a Christian Marriage FtImg godly wife intimacy in marriage ideas intimacy in marriage challenges intimacy in Christian marriage quotes intimacy in marriage tips Christian Marriage

How to Improve Intimacy in a Christian Marriage

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Are you asking the wrong question about sex in a Marriage? Questions like: What is permissible in the marriage bed?  When you should be searching: How to Improve Intimacy in a Christian Marriage.  This is to the Husband trying to figure out how to please your wife sexually (Christian husband).  This is to the wife searching Christian Marriage intimacy ideas.  We are both trying to find answers and failing BECAUSE we are asking the wrong questions when seeking marriage advice.

Before we can look at How to Improve Intimacy in a Christian Marriage:

We had better understand the mix up in Men and Women trying to fix the same problem.

The uncomfortable truth about sex in a Christian Marriage is that when there are problems in a Christian bedroom they often have little to do with physical intimacy. Click To Tweet

What is the difference between sex and intimacy in marriage?

You can have sex without intimacy.  Shoot, you can have sex without love or thought.  Nowhere is it written into the Christian Marriage rules “only have sex when you feel in love with your spouse”.  Sorry.

But, there won’t be a deep desire for sex or physical intimacy if there is not emotional intimacy and spiritual intimacy.  Learn more about that here.

What is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is all about connecting.   Emotional intimacy in married life looks like connecting deeper than the surface.  We get sucked into a shallow routine so easily.

“How was your day honny?”

“Fine.  How was yours?”

“Same ol same ol.  The kids have ball practice at 7:00.”

“K.  Don’t forget the dryer is rattling.”

If you are not intentional, a lack of intimacy in Marriage can become your norm.

Do you need some encouragement to keep pressing into that Daily Commitment?  

We could all use a community to help us in Reclaiming Hope & Joy in our marriages!

We just finished a 31 day Series to help us Reclaim Hope & Joy in Marriage by Intentionally Investing in our Biblical Marriage.

Get the articles Free in this downloadable e-Book.  We also have a Private Facebook group to let us connect – Wives only.

Can a marriage survive without intimacy?

Not for long.  If you don’t begin to rebuild intimacy in marriage, the intimacy you had in your dating relationship, divorce could be around the corner.  I don’t say that to scare you, just give you a reality check.

We ask 'How can I get the romance back in my Marriage?' when we should be asking 'How do I build intimacy in my marriage like it was when we were dating?'. Click To Tweet

Reviving intimacy in Marriage happens in Three Crucial stages

Make time to connect and reestablish emotional intimacy.  

Wife, take time to speak words of Affirmation to your husband to feed his need for respect (Check out 31 Ways to Speak Words of Affirmation to him here).  Ask the question “How can I communicate better with my husband?”

Is communication an area you struggle to improve?  Check out this free Communication in Marriage Workshop to grow in that area today!

Husband, take time to listen to your wife and own your mistakes or unintentional hurts.  Believe it or not, saying “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?”, for things that hurt her go a long way to showing your wife love, security, and emotional intimacy.

Acknowledge the need for Spiritual Intimacy

If you are in a Christian Marriage, ask “Are we putting God in the center of our daily decisions?”

Talk about ways you can pray for each other.  Don’t be hurt if he doesn’t want to pray together yet.  Maybe he will one day, let God prompt him that way.  Just acknowledging the spiritual parts of your life will do wonders to improve Intimacy in marriage.

If you need help finding ideas to pray check out this series on Praying for Unity in Marriage; specifically a difficult Marriage.

Focus on Physical Intimacy in Marriage is Healthy

When you have healthy Emotional Intimacy and Spiritual Intimacy, Physical Intimacy is the logical next step.  So why doesn’t it always happen smoothly or to our expectations?

Sex or Physical Intimacy is always an uncomfortable subject.  Even as a Married woman, I struggle to talk openly about sex or sexual pleasure in Christian Marriage. Crazy right? 

Just a Few Disclaimers before we go farther:

I’m not a Christian Marriage counselor.  What I am is a woman that has lots of experience (good, bad and ugly) and a love of God’s Word that has healed many broken pieces.  God can fix any mess is my new motto 😉

If you are in an abusive relationship please talk to someone.  There are safe places.  Please find one.  There are people who WILL believe you.  Please find one.  Know that you are loved by God and God would want you to get help, not try to fix the situation and continue being hurt.  Seek Christian Marriage Counseling.

BTW:
Throughout this article will be Christian Marriage Books that have helped me Improve Intimacy in a Christian MarriageClick To Tweet

First we have to ask: What does the Bible say about sex in Marriage?

Sex was designed by God to be a beautiful expression of our love and marriage. Yes, Sex in a Christian Marriage is good.

Some verses about Christian Marriage and sex are 1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Hebrews 13:4; Proverbs 5:18-19; 1 Corinthians 7:2 and the Book of Song of Solomon.

Intended for Pleasure is a marriage book that helped me embrace my personal lack of sexual desire as a wife and see that I needed to ask a different question.

Instead of, “Why do we have to have sex so often?” I needed to ask, “How can I improve my marriage intimacy a little better?”

But even after reading it I struggled because I’m not really a sexual woman. I’d rather not be on display. I don’t want to fulfill his needs many times. How about you?

Second we need a Perspective shift:

I am the only Acceptable Sexual Anything my husband can have without sin. Click To Tweet

A Mentor gave me this relationship advice to better relate to a man’s need for physical intimacy

What would happen if your husband suddenly outlawed eating chocolate in your home?  

Your husband is shocked that you want to eat chocolate.  He goes out of his way to explain the dangers of eating chocolate

Trying to please him, you try to ignore the candy aisle in the store.

Maybe you do well for a while denying yourself that sweet comfort food.

But you love chocolage and you are desperate.

You reason, ‘He knew I loved chocolate when we were dating.  How dare he try to change me.  I need chocolate.  I love chocolate.  Chocolate is not really bad in moderation.’

Imagine the righteous indignation as you sneak into that back drawer.  The one where you were secreting away a Hershey’s Chocolate bar with Almonds.

Can you feel the pleasure of the melted chocolate on your tongue?  You feel the nervous tingles as you listen for his footsteps in the hall as you pray his game doesn’t go to commercial before you can hide the evidence of your indiscretion.

okay, back to reality…

You must accept the truth about Physical Intimacy, Christian Marriage, Sex and Body Image

My husband is a visual creature.  Yours too.  Naked is one of their favorite words.  He needs to see me naked, he tells me that to be a naked christian wife is a good thing.  I am the only one who can fulfill my husband’s sexual needs.  Fulfill his visual need for sexual stimulation or anything sex in Christ or otherwise.

The Bible even speaks to the need to prioritize physical intimacy.

We are to be One Flesh in Marriage (read more about that here)

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

The Marriage Bed is to be kept pure

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

Beware sexual temptation (read more about that here)

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.

He needs me to be a sexual being.
By denying him what he was created to need - I am NOT removing the need. I am removing the only way he can meet that need without sin.Click To Tweet

I always knew my husband was a sexual creature.  Do you remember making out and all that fun stuff as you were falling in love early in your relationship?  I loved that.  What happened? 

Third, Physical Intimacy became hard when I believed the enemy’s lies.

The enemy has been distorting God’s perfect design for sex since the beginning.  Today he has twisted the picture of sex in Christian Marriage through the media.  The medias image of sexuality are unrealistic; thin, tanned, blond, sumptuously proportioned in alluring ways.

Fake women, nothing like what I look like.

I kill myself trying to become that image – that fake woman I see in movies and commercials.  I’m not alone.  (read more about that here and again here.) In our culture women go from diet to surgery, fashion style to the tanning salon, all in the attempt to become the illusion.

What I needed was a Healthy Biblical Understanding of my Body Image, how it affected our Sex life and a clear path to healing.Click To Tweet

Why don’t I want physical Intimacy with my husband?  Why do we believe the enemy about ourselves?

I can’t speak for you, but I always feel like I am competing with that fake woman.  How could he love me or want to be intimate with me when he sees all these other -more beautiful women?

Maybe it’s just me.  In the bedroom when the clothes go away I am suddenly anxious, ashamed, embarrassed and desperate to hide.

It wouldn’t matter if this were a dream marriage, one with relationship problems (marital problems) a happy marriage or anything else, I feel shame!

I think: ‘Don’t look at me, I’m ugly’.  ‘I have stretch marks from babies and failed diets’.  ‘Nothing is in the right place anymore’.  ‘Let’s get this over with.    

 

His Truth is so far from that.

Your husband sees a beautiful woman – the women he fell in love with.  All the flaws you see when you look in the mirror DO NOT cross his mind in that moment.  He sees all the things that are really sexy – to him.

How can we get over our shame and embarrassment and encourage our husband with physical intimacy?

We were at a Christian Marriage retreat some years ago by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot.  They gave so many Christian Marriage tips that helped change my way of thinking about my body, sex and intimecy in Marriage.

“Let your husband be your mirror”, is a marriage quote I took home.

Don’t look at the mirror and believe what you see.  Let your husband speak what he sees when he looks at you.  And believe him.  Don’t call him a liar because you see the flaws in your mirror.

As women, we have the amazing capacity to encourage other women when they feel fat or ugly or rejected.  We say something over and over…

Beauty is on the inside.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

To the Christian wife struggling with intimacy in marriage:

You need to stand in that mirror and talk to yourself today.

How to Improve Intimacy in a Christian Marriage godly wife intimacy in marriage ideas intimacy in marriage challenges intimacy in Christian marriage quotes intimacy in marriage tips Christian Marriage

Healthy Marriage Tips for women on growing in intimacy in Marriage:

Remind yourself that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Stop looking at the flaws.  Look to the inside of yourself.

  • Your character is amazing. 
  • You are a great friend. 
  • No one listens better than you. 
  • You are a woman of honor and wisdom. 
  • Kindness shines through your eyes every day. 
  • You. Are. Beautiful.

Listen when that man tells you about your beauty.  Believe him. Remind yourself that you are beautiful.  He sees your beauty.  Let him enjoy it.

One of my favorite Marriage help books is ‘Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti’.  A fun spin on why we are different what intimate for men means as opposed to intimate for women.

How to fix Your Marriage, Christian Marriage intimacy Ideas to conclude our time.

  1. Make sure you have invested in Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy.
  2. If physical Intimacy is still a struggle, be sure you are honest and open about the problem.
    • If Body Image is part of the struggle, Let him be your mirror.
    • Give your thoughts about body image to God and put them through the Philippians 4:8 Test.

You will both enjoy the Christian Bedroom so much more when you are open about this area and focus on thoughts that line up with scripture..

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things” (Philippians 4:8 NASB).

As usual, I am talking to me today too.  As often as I think this is fixed, it pops back up again.  So thankful for a Community of Believers to help me stay the course here!  And the Faithful Finish Lines Course is really helping me make healthy changes to my body and see myself through God’s eyes as I pursue a healthier life!  Learn more about it here!

If you are still looking for more way to improve your marriage intimacy…

Check out this from To Love Honor and Vacuum filled with practical ways to Boost Your Libido

It’s a 10-module video based course that helps women take control of their libidos–and start to desire sex again. Boost Your Libido

Or this from my list of books to improve Marriage intimacy: 31 Days to Better Sex (whew this goes deep into the heart of intimacy issues and applies scripture to help you change!)

I’m praying for you today.

in HIM,

 

Are you a Christian Wife struggling to save a Marriage?

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God took me through a journey of re-learning how to live as a godly wife with a Biblical Worldview.  It is a joy for me to teach and mentor locally and I am thrilled to launch this new Online Marriage Mentoring, and online Marriage Bible Study.

In this 9 week Bible Study we will dig into the Bible and find out how to restore our Marriage – rebuilding it to Last a lifetime!  These are the things that God used to save my marriage and he can save your marriage as well.

This Marriage Bible Study will include:

  • 10 Self-paced video lessons
    • Love
    • Forgiveness
    • Desires Vs. Preferences
    • My Mouth
    • Appreciation & Admiration
    • The Leader
    • Understanding Men
    • Respect
    • My Priorities
  • 9 weeks of personal study
    • 5 days each week that should take 10-15 minutes
  • 45 Days of Prayer prompts

Learn more here about this 9 week Marriage Bible Study here.

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Tiffany Montgomery

Tiffany has a passion to equip wives to do Marriage God's way and inspire women to choose hope and Joy in Christ through every season by growing in faith.

66 thoughts to “How to Improve Intimacy in a Christian Marriage”

  1. This is all well and good, it my husband without discussion has decided no more sex just roommates Hating every day, because after 34 years of putting up with his selfishness I have had it and yet this is a covenant made with God not just hubby so distressed at this I am in counseling but still the chasm between us is wide and deep

    1. I’m so sorry you are in this situation Debbie. Praying for healing and peace and strength through the process of reconciliation. Praying you get to the point of reconciliation because it def requires 2. praying for love and support to come around you and encourage you through this difficult season.

      1. And when he doesn’t want to look at me? When HE doesn’t want a physical relationship with me? When I am the one being rejected daily? What then? I treat him like a king and I am barely more than an afterthought to him. I’m heartbroken. I’m devastated. I’m destroyed.

        1. That is such a heartbreaking situation Sheri. I am so sorry you are in it. Praying for you in this season. My advice is always to pray over it. There has to be a reason he is behaving this way and God promises to Give us wisdom when we ask (James 1:5). No man ever plan to get to a place of not wanting sex with his wife. There has to be something happening heart deep with him. I will be praying with you over this. And Praying for you to keep faith and turn to God with all of your anger and frustration. He can handle it and help in these hard seasons.

      2. I too have been there Debbie I was married 21years but only roommates for the last 10 of it…I won’t get in to the whole thing but after years of praying and staying he snapped on or son and it was at that point he decided he needed to leave the marriage, I walked to my room but the door and asked God What do I do God .?? Fight for this marriage??? God was clear as the day “let it go….Am I hearing you right God …Let him go God said… It was like a million tons of briks was lifted off me in that moment…My life was forever changed to the better from that moment on…

        1. It is so sad when things deteriorate to that point… but it really does take 2 to make a marriage work. I pray you are well after all of that Angela. It can be a brave step to walk away sometimes… and critical to place boundaries to protect yourself and your children.

  2. Great job, Tiffany! This post on sex as God designed it in marriage is spot on. You and I have the same issues. Neal is wonderful about reminding me of the very things you pointed out about our society, commercials, magazines, etc., and how unrealistic it is to try to be someone who has been air-brushed on film and in photos. The issues of sexual abuse go deep, and not just for me; Neal is also a survivor. We have that deep connection which brings so much understanding and patience to our relationship. We’re older now with all kinds of health issues, so sex is not so important these days, but oh those memories! Love you! Aunt P

  3. Thank you Tiffany
    An encouraging post. Truthfully, I have had those moments with those very thoughts. Lies from the enemy to taint our minds and undermine our marital relationship with our spouse. I pray that we free ourselves from these lies, by God’s strength, to pursue our men as they pursue us…

  4. It’s funny how God works! The very things about my physical appearance I do not like are the things my husband loves—genuinely loves! Yes, let’s let God be our mirror. And then let’s let our husbands speak life over us with his words.

  5. How do I talk to someone about this? I am extremely concerned about her and her husband since they are young and newly married and she is not interested in sex beyond procreation…her husband is understandably very unhappy and disappointed and has even said such to some family members. She is very private but she will be very embarrassed and upset if this gets back to her as well. Do I just pray or is there something I can say or do? I have never had many problems in this area so I am a little baffled. Also, her husband is a good man, and constantly trying to please her, though he is human of course. And I worry that he may fall into sin if she doesn’t change. He is very young and though I don’t think he would be unfaithful to her, lust can rise up if marriage needs aren’t met. This can lead to shame and self-loathing as well as anger and bitterness. Any advice?

    1. I love that your heart wants to help and shine the truth in love… Can I advise caution? Spend a good deal of time in prayer about this. Ask God for wisdom and discernment. As much as you may have the truth she needs… She will not receive it until and unless God softens her heart and convinces her to seek out an answer. Ask God to help you know when to speak, what to speak and how to speak it. He can season our words with Grace in His own mysterious way. But most of All, pray that He will prepare her heart and give you a Clear sign about when to pour this into her heart. I will be praying as well LM!

  6. Beautifully said Tiffany! It was interesting how you described eating the chocolate in the other room because that referenced for me the other side of the story we don’t like to talk about—men and pornography. Not that we as women are driving our men to the other room to feast on the chocolate of pornography—but it does become more difficult for our husbands to not go that route if there is an unhealthy sexual relationship between our husbands and us as their wives. He longs for connection and physiological the only way that happens for him is through sexual experiences. Great post!

    1. Yes, a subtle comparison! Great eye Sonya! I’d never lay the responsibility of his fall to my behavior 100%… but I believe in a marriage we each contribute to the others chance for success or failure. We come alongside one another to build up and bear burdens… and love in deep profound selfless ways. When we are both healthy and functioning in our roles it is a beautiful picture!

  7. I think you did an excellent and tactful presentation of a challenging topic! I even had my hubby read this, because you addressed some of the same issues and discussions he and I have had about our own intimate life.

  8. I just don’t understand all these articles & nobody ever mentions when a husband has a low sex drive & yes it’s medical reasons,,but what am I supposed to do? I still have needs also! Just left lonely with no satisfaction

    1. Hi Mary. I haven’t been in that spot so I can’t begin to understand or address all that must be there. I’m so sorry your in that place. It must be so lonely. I did spend some time praying over this comment and asking some other women in Ministry how they respond to these kinds of situations. You are not alone in this struggle. I wonder why more women don’t speak up about the issue!

      These are some resources shared with me for you and the countless others in this situation. “When couples struggle with low sex drive for any reason, it deeply affects every area of their relationship. Counseling can help them figure out how to deal with the pain and possible offer ideas to still connect intimately.” (that bit could be fun if he is open to other ways to be intimate 😉 she says blushing)
      https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/
      Some blogs that address these things – and with humor (always a plus when talking about tough topics with sex) are http://hotholyhumorous.com/, https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/ , https://www.oysterbed7.com/ , and one article in particular that was recommended is http://intentionaltoday.com/husband-lower-sex-drive/

      And again a counselor friend said “This issue is a complex one and I believe takes someone skilled in the area to work with couples to assess their beliefs, couple interactions outside of the bedroom, and ability to talk and work together inside the bedroom.”

      Don’t stay stuck in the place of Lonely with no satisfaction. Talk with someone who can help you both get to a better place.

      As one who hasn’t dealt with this all I can say is I’m praying for you… and all the you’s who didn’t comment but thought the same thing.

  9. I think you did so well on this topic which we all face at some point. So glad I found you over at Grace Girls recently! I am one of the KY bloggers. Keep sharing!

  10. Hi there,

    Thank you for being honest and what you have said is very true, I must admit I never viewed things as you have mentioned. So I have learned a lot.

    My question though is though I love having sex with my husband of 20 years, I have been open to try new things, I have even suggested new things, and am not ashamed to be naked with him. I have struggled as he has a problem with pornography, since the beginning but I wasn’t aware of it at first.
    In the last five years or so it has gotten very, very bad. We are both Christians and I have tried addressing the issue with him, in a number of ways, but it only ends up in a huge fight.
    I must say I do struggle as I find myself believing that I am not good enough any more, and now much worse as I am older now (42) I was 21 when we married, and have had 3 children….He doesn’t seem to like my naked body, or even notice me when I am naked…..
    I love my husband and understand that it is an addiction, but sometimes it doesn’t make it any easier.
    Maybe you have a suggestion for me? I would really appreciate it.

    Thank you

    1. This is such a hard place to be. Pornography really takes hold of us in so many ways we never imagined… and once you are hooked it is hard to see that the addiction is destroying your spouse. My advice is talk to someone. A counselor at church would be a good starting place. This is an epedimic sweeping our nation and they have resources to help. I also HIGHLY recommend a Secret Wives only group Beth Kelley and Rebekah Hallberg run (They have been through it in a rough way and love to equip and encourage women with Hope). This is the link to sign up for the group. They will help in ways other can not… because until you have lived this one… you really can’t offer advice. I will be praying for you and your family!

  11. I am a newly wed with a sexual history I am not proud of. My husband and I waited until we were married though and I was excited to have sex with him. However, the honeymoon was a disappointment for me. Sex felt mostly painful for me and I cry almost every day for some reason. I am very sensitive. My husband is a Godly man and I trust him. We are both extremely frustrated with the situation right now and it creates a lot of fights. I pray about it every day but I am too ashamed to speak with family and friends or even mentors. What can I do?

    1. Hi Adele, I am so sorry that is your experience. So frustrating when you know sex should be good but it just isn’t… and it can be bad for SOOO many reasons. Some things that come to mind immediately are that there can be physical reasons sex hurt. I would talk to your doctor and make sure everything is okay medically. Then I would suggest some podcasts. It really helps for Hubby and I both to listen – and he takes other men to heart (just a guy thing) so if another man is talking about sex and how to do it better or more sensitively it will get through to him. I Trust and love listening to Jolene and Eric Engle – check out this Podcast http://themarriagementor.podbean.com/e/whats-a-wife-to-do-when-she-doesnt-want-to-have-sex/ and another blogger who talk straight about sex is Sheila Gregoire – check out Her Sex Category Hope this help and know I am praying for you in this season. It will get better – believing it in Jesus Name!

  12. This was a great article but I never see anyone just say it’s ok to not like sex. Seriously. After 13 years of marriage, and un unfortunate sexual history prior, I just got sick of it. We have four kids. I absolutely do not have enough time in the day to let my husband work up a sweat on top of me. Not to mention the disgusting clean up afterward. I’m sorry, I just think that a woman’s needs ought to be considered, and not every woman finds sex appealing. Regardless of what the Bible says. I don’t think I’m sinning against God by opting out of something I have never liked, and quite frankly find distasteful. So why am I being shamed for it by every single article on Christian marriage? Not coming down on you, I’m just very curious as to why the Christian community is pushing this ideology that in order to be a godly wife I have to allow my body to be used for my husband’s personal ‘needs’.
    P.S I’m asking you because out of the last ten articles I’ve read about being a godly wife, you are the only one who didn’t insinuate that if I don’t put out I have only myself to blame for whatever recourse my hubby resorts to. It’s a s

    1. Hi confused. I have literally read your comment 100 times at this point thinking you sound like me… I have so many of those thoughts – often.

      I can’t discount that the Bible DOES say we are not to deny each other sex because temptation will come (1 Corinthians 7:5).

      Honestly, I try to be real on this site – real about where I understand things and real about where I am still struggling to figure things out. Sex is an area that is beyond me. But… I bring a lot of baggage into our marriage. Abuse, pornography addiction, past sex partners, betrayal and so much more. I don’t enjoy sex… though sometimes I’d like sex I could literally live my life without it I think.

      But he can’t. it really is tied into how men are wired. I don’t get that, but I accept it. And I love my husband. I see his need and meet his need. I try to think of Ephesians 2:3-4 when I think about showing love to my husband in ways I don’t like much but he loves…

      Part of Biblical Wifehood – most days for me anyway- is doing whatever God says, weather I really want to – asking Him to Help me want to… no let me be honest. Asking Him to help me want to want to. And When I come to God in humility – saying I don’t get this but I trust You and want to do it Your way- He meets me where I am and honors my obedience.

      Now, about sex… yeah that is still hard. I am still studying and praying God will help me like it. There are some amazing women I follow who write about this. I’ve linked to several in other comments on this post but can’t get to them right now, scroll a bit and see how they talk through it.

      I am praying with you through this. Oh, and you may like this article I am reading now about better understanding what healthy sexuality looks like in a Christian marriage. It is long but so good. I even sent it to hubby who pulled some things out to try.

    2. Confused, I am so sorry to read your post. Your view is typical of many christian women, which is very sad to me. (Please read read this with a tone of sympathy and not of condemnation. My heart breaks for you!)
      Sex is a gift from God. He created it. And everything He created is beautiful and good. What happened is SIN. Sin tainted our whole world, including the area of intimacy and sex. Abuse and sin can warp our view of sex, and I feel that may be the case here. “Distasteful” is an adjective that was never meant to describe sex with our spouse. Sex should be mutually enjoyable and pleasurable. If it is not, then something needs to be addressed by a professional. NO, you are not a bad wife for not wanting sex. However, I truly believe you are missing out on God’s best for you- to be desired by and to desire your spouse with out shame or guilt. True intimacy is spiritual, emotional and physical. And all three are needed to enjoy a fulfilling sex life, and to enjoy our marriage to the fullest.
      One thing the Christian community has severely neglected is the husband’s role to “nourish and cherish” there wives as “Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:29). If more men stepped up to be the true servant leaders God designed them to be, we as wives would be much more inclined to meet their needs. Sadly, selfishness (which is SIN) is so permeant, even in the Church.
      Again, I am so sorry you feel this way about sex. It is not God’s view. It’s not God’s intent or design. There is a SIN problem that needs to be address – whether it’s a SIN committed against you or the SIN of your husband, it needs to be address by a professional counselor. Hugs to you!

  13. Really great article. Had 10 years of an incorrect, guilt ridden, lonely, seperate, mismatched, he’ll of a messy marriage. I tried to fix it, tried to fix him, tried to reestablish justice, tried to control, tried to fight for it…. and let go for a good 3 years. Recently things have turned around. The first thing I did was turn desperately to God’s Word. For 2 years I woke 30min early and studied. I took Christian and Bible classes at a Christian college, and I got heavily involved in my church. At first it was a drag, honestly. However, now I am obsessed with it, want to know everything about Scripture, can carry on heavy theological arguments and find myself literally pondering it with joy in my heart over concepts and verses. I started to pray about my marriage, a complete impossibility, I was under no illusion that it would improve. Then, it did. I suddenly started obsessing about the beauty that marriage, in its perfect intended form, was supposed to be. And I wanted that more than anything in my life. I began with sex. I did not try to talk, I did not try to build trust, I just started wanting him and not caring what he had said in the past or how he had made me feel. Talking happened next, extremely minimally. I only explained that I was not manipulating, the Holy Spirit was trying to work here. He yielded. Lately, I have realized, God is not only trying to save this marriage, He is trying to improve me. So, now I do not dwell on my husband’s failures, I literally ignore them. And instead look at my own goals, using the perfect examples that God supplies. Has this all been rainbows? Not at all. But, we are connecting and through the physical and vulnerable act of God’s gift (sex), we are beginning. We are doing it His way….. just thought this might help a few of you. And keep praying. For help as well as patience and strength.

    1. Sorry, real short. Let God take care of justice. Do not dwell on what is fair and unfair. Marriage is unfair. Period. However, you have an opportunity to be the source of your husband’s pleasure. That is the key. And after that, other things happen. We trust each other more, we are nicer to each other…. it is a step. Why? Because God wants that. Make sure you are commtied to Christ first. He is the Groom afterall, and then let Him guide you. And be patient. No magic wands. Just do not say no.

  14. I read your post via Melissa at Humblefaithfamilywellness, and found it so encouraging. Having a long term chronic illness can add complexity. I love the way you express “let your husband be your mirror”. I had never thought of that. Thank you.

  15. This is an interesting article, but if you ever write a similar one in the future, depending on the point you want to make, you might want to choose a different metaphor.

    Nobody needs chocolate. They might want it, but they don’t need it. Europeans, Africans, Asians, Australians, and North Americans lived and died without even knowing chocolate existed until fairly recently, and even South Americans consumed it in a far different form than we do today. Chocolate is not necessary for the furthering of the human race.

    It is possible to use the metaphor of chocolate to describe many things, but I don’t thing that was the intended message.

  16. So I know this is probably something weird for me to be reading considering I’m not married yet but am getting married in Aug, but this post help me so very much!! Thank you!! I have a history of sexual abuse from my birth father and that has always slanted my view of myself. So being 23 about to get married I am so worried that my soon to be husband will see all of me and reject me. Which of course he has told me he is not because he knows how beautiful I am with clothes on and the person I am is beautiful. I have never believed anyone including him. But what you said really touched me! To let him be my mirror, not to look in the mirror. I’m so glad God gave me this man who loves me and I have confidence knowing that once he marries me and the clothes come off he isn’t going to shame me. I’m not so scared anymore because the one thing that made me terrified was he was going to see all of me that I don’t like and wish was skinnier, tanner and no stretch marks and reject me. But now I know he loves me for me and he’s not gonna do that. He may have let a comment here and there about what he likes about me slip so with everything I read I have confidence going into this marriage especially the marriage night which is going to be awkward and new with ease and not angst. I can not thank you enough!!

  17. Wonderful post!! As women, we can be so harsh about ourselves. But you’re right, the reality is that our husbands love us just the way we are. Thank you for being so real and honest in your posts!

  18. She doesn’t wanna have sex, won’t talk about, tries to dominate me in the marriage which I refuse to let happen btw. She refuses counseling but my faith is really being tried here. Is there anything I can do biblically? She won’t even respond to relevant bible verses.

    1. I hear your heart Demetrius. My advise when things seem beyond hope in any area of marriage is to Fast and pray. Take it to God to fight over for you. Show more love than you think is possible. Forgive easily, daily, quickly. God can do amazing things to change hearts when we fall on our knees and humbly ask Him to intervene. It’s funny, everytime I bring an issue to Him He works through it… and usually shows me my heart is wrong about some of it too. We grow together and it helps our marriage heal and be stronger. I am praying for you and this situation.

  19. Thank you for this post. It has made me view sex in a different way.
    My concern in my marriage is tha my husband and i have sex only once every 3-4months and ghis has been the case for the last 6 years that we have been married. Initially my husband initiated sex, but i would avoid it because of past shame and guilt. I got over that, but I think he then “lost interest.”
    I make efforts to show him my naked body and wear attractive lingerie, but he doesn’t even look at me twice. I have tried to put our toddler in her cot so we could cuddle at least, but he doesn’t seem interested. He’s tired all the time and sleeps on the couch every night till about 2am when he joins me in bed. I hate myself for ever pushing him away i have tried to ask if I could do anyhing differently but he assures me it’s not my fault, we jusg need to make time (which we never do). I really dont know what to do or think of this situation.

    1. Man can I relate to this. We lived this way for so long… My answer is always Prayer. God can heal what has been broken… sometimes He is the only one who can. Honestly take this to Him and wait while He mends the broken pieces.

  20. I am thinking of having a plastic surgery and while I’ve been looking for christian perspective … somehow lead me to this page. Well, I am 45 year old woman. Never married. Always waiting to be loved. Maybe I am in a dream world but a good few months back we came together with some women friends of mine and spent the evening together. It ended as one of the most beautiful moments of my life. The masks fell and we saw each other in their deepest struggles. One of my friends shared how she never been intimate with her husband in their 7 years of marriage. I was only listening … other experienced women giving advice. Suddenly I disappeared in my thoughts. What are the most beautiful moments in our lives with God and people? For me when finally I give up wearing a mask. When I let go all the lies, fake image and let Him to see me truly as I am. Or when my little friend opens his heart to share something which really disturbs him … huge issue for him … the connection on a deeper level … the trust from his side … Standing in front of a man, letting go everything I try to cover up with mentally, emotionally, physically … seeing me as I am … naked and vulnerable … and still loving me … I even can’t explain how much I am longing for this. Not for the sex itself but for this very deep connection I never experienced as a christian. We can take so many things for granted. Other people would give the world for this.

  21. Such a great reminder for Christian marriages – during our premarital counseling, my husband and I were recommended the book “Sheet Music” and it has been a great resource for us.

  22. Intimacy in marriage is an important topic, even though some of us would rather not talk about it! With so many marriages crumbling, we need to be up front about it.

  23. I love the Parrot’s they have great wisdom and sound advice. I think intimacy can be in different forms depending on the age of the couple. What was all about sex becomes even deeper and takes on new meaning for a couple especially if there are health issues.

  24. Such a great topic to discuss!! This can be a sensitive post but I do admire your courage for writing this!! I do believe that intimacy is important in a marriage and communication with your partner is always the key

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