Sex is always an uncomfortable subject. Even as a Married woman, I struggle to talk openly about sex. Crazy right? Maybe not so crazy, when you think about how little we have real conversations about sex in our society. Don’t get me wrong, sex is everywhere… but is the media portraying the reality of sex? Why does no one talk about the uncomfortable truths about sex in a Christian Marriage?
God Designed Sex in a Christian Marriage to be good but the Uncomfortable Truth is that sex is not always what we expect
Yes. God designed sex. Sex has been around since creation and it was intended for pleasure as well as bonding and procreation. However, since the sin entered the world, the enemy has so completely distorted sex and intimacy that we tend to have unrealistic expectations. So today, we will discuss the importance of sex in a Christian Marriage. We will also see ways to work through one of the most common Christian marriage intimacy issues.
Disclaimer: If you are in an abusive relationship please talk to someone. There are safe places. Please find one. Know that you are loved by God and God would want you to get help, and not continue to be hurt.
The First Truth about Sex in a Christian Marriage: The difference between man and woman sexually is real
My husband is a visual creature. Yours too. Naked is one of their favorite words. He needs to see me naked. I am the only one who can fulfill my husbands’ sexual needs. Fulfill his visual need for sexual stimulation. But I’m not really a sexual being. I’d rather not be on display. I don’t want to fulfill his needs many times. The difference between men and women sexually is alive and well in our home. How about you?
We know that sex in a Christian Marriage was designed by God to be a beautiful expression of our love. (Some verses about sex in marriage are: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Hebrews 13:4; Proverbs 5:18-19; 1 Corinthians 7:2 and the entire book of Song of Solomon.) But it is still hard to navigate all the ways that Husband and wife feel differently about sex.
For years I ignored the differences and we began having intimacy issues
The first step in how to fix intimacy problems in a marriage is to acknowledge that men and women have different sexual needs and expectations.
My husband has sexual needs, physical needs in marriage. His wife has sexual needs, physical and emotional needs in marriage. Understanding that they are different goes a long way.
Understanding Your Husbands physical Needs in Marriage
Your husband was created by God with sexual needs. You are the only acceptable sexual anything your husband can have without sin.
ouch. Did I mention this would be uncomfortable?
Your husband needs you to be a sexual being. By denying him what he was created to need in the Christian bedroom – you are NOT removing the need God put in him. You are removing the only way he can meet that need without sin. That is the truth about your husband’s physical needs in Marriage. They are needs.
A simple Illustration to explain the need for sex in Marriage
What would happen if your husband suddenly outlawed eating chocolate in your home? Gasp! Just go with me a second while I set the scene for today’s sex talk:
Your husband is shocked that you want to eat chocolate. He goes out of his way to explain the dangers of eating chocolate.
You try to ignore the candy aisle in the store.
Maybe you do well for a while denying yourself that sweet comfort food.
But then Aunt Flo comes for a visit and you are desperate.
You reason, ‘He knew I loved chocolate when we were dating. How dare he try to change me. I need chocolate. I love chocolate. Chocolate is not really bad in moderation.’
Imagine the righteous indignation as you sneak into that back drawer. The one where you were secreting away a Hershey’s Kiss.
Can you feel the pleasure of the melted chocolate on your tongue?
Feel the nervous tingles as you listen for his footsteps in the hall.
Nervously praying his game doesn’t go to commercial before you can hide the evidence of your indiscretion.
Your husband can no more deny your husbands need for sex than you can deny your need for chocolate.
Okay, so it is a simple illustration and maybe you don’t like chocolate, insert coffee, books, gardening, or some other harmless thing that makes you…you.
The point is that your husband was created to need sex. Not the twisted, distorted, perverted sex that is selfish and hurtful, but the physical connection of being intimate, physically intimate with you, his wife. Sex in a Christian Marriage is a way we are one flesh and we stay connected.
What causes Christian Marriage Intimacy Issues?
I always knew my husband was a sexual creature. Do you remember making out and all that fun stuff early in your relationship? I loved that. What happened to change my mind about sex? What caused the Christian Marriage Intimacy Issues in the first place?
*I believed the enemy’s lies about sex and body image… did you?
The enemy has been distorting God’s perfect design for sex in a Christian Marriage since the beginning. Today he has twisted the picture of sex in the media. The medias image of sexuality is unrealistic; thin, tanned, blond, sumptuously proportioned in alluring ways.
Beautiful women Fake. Nothing like what I look like.
I kill myself trying to become that image – that fake woman I see in movies and commercials. I’m not alone. In our culture women go from diet to surgery, fashion style to a tanning salon, all in the attempt to become the illusion.
I can’t speak for you, but I always feel like I am competing with that fake woman. How could he love me or want to be intimate with me when he sees all these other -more beautiful women?
Maybe it’s just me. In the bedroom when the clothes go away I am suddenly anxious, ashamed, embarrassed and desperate to hide. I think: ‘Don’t look at me, I’m ugly’. ‘I have stretch marks from babies and failed diets’. ‘Nothing is in the right place anymore’. ‘Let’s get this over with.
His Truth is so far from that.
He sees a beautiful woman – the women he fell in love with. All the flaws I see when I look in the mirror DO NOT cross his mind in that moment. He sees all the things that are really sexy – to him.
Each man is different, but they all enjoy looking at particulate body parts.
You have those parts.
He wants to see you naked. Wants to look and touch and not feel ashamed to do so.
How can we get over our shame and embarrassment and encourage our husband in the way he was created?
We were at a marriage conference some years ago by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot. They said something that helped change my way of thinking about my body and sex.
“Let your husband be your mirror”
Don’t look at the mirror and believe what you see. Let your husband speak what he sees when he looks at you. And believe him. Don’t call him a liar because you see the flaws in your mirror.
As women, we have the amazing capacity to encourage other women when they feel fat or ugly or rejected. We say something over and over…
Beauty is on the inside. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Precious wife. You need to stand in that mirror and talk to yourself today.
Remind yourself that Beautify in the eye of the beholder. Stop looking at the flaws. Look to the inside.
- Your character is amazing.
- You are a great friend.
- No one listens better than you.
- You are a woman of honor and wisdom.
- Kindness shines through your eyes every day.
- You. Are. Beautiful.
Listen when that man tells you about your beauty. Believe him.
When the lights go down and the clothes come off and you want to hide or rush… Remind yourself that you are beautiful. He sees your beauty. Let him enjoy it.
You will both enjoy sex so much more when that is your thought life.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things” (Philippians 4:8 NASB).
As usual, I am talking to me today too. As often as I think this is fixed, it pops back up again. We are in this together sister.
I’m praying for you today.
Check out some of these other posts you will enjoy:
- Emotional Wellness is Important for Disciples of Christ
- True Love: 75 Verses That Prove God Loves You
- Sex, Body Image, and Faith in a Christian Marriage