Have you ever gone back to your browsing history to find something only to find out it has been wiped clean? As the wife of a man who struggled with an addiction that was a red flag. About 10 years ago, I found myself asking google a question… Is virtual infidelity a ground for divorce?
Why Ask, “Is Virtual Infidelity a Ground for Divorce?”
Hi, my name is Tiffany, and I am a Christian marriage coach for wives struggling with the hard parts of marriage. Most of these wives are struggling alone, their husband is not willing to be a part of the change – yet.
I coach wives in difficult marriages because I was a wife in a difficult marriage. When marriage is hard, and change doesn’t seem to be coming – it’s easy to lose hope. My job is to spread hope.
If you are reading this… if you searched out the question, “Is virtual infidelity a ground for divorce Biblically?” things in your marriage are difficult.
I want to begin today by telling you, there is hope today, dear wife of a husband living in addiction.
Biblical Reasons for Marriage
Before we look at Biblical grounds for divorce (Answering the question, “Is adultery grounds for divorce in the Bible?”) I find it helps to remember the Biblical reasons for marriage.
Marriage is not a contract or covenant anyone should sign lightly. God’s view on the lifelong nature of this covenant is clear.
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6 NASB)
Why did God create the institute marriage?
- To point the lost world back to Him
- For companionship
- A safe place for sexual intimacy
I’m going to pause here for a moment because this is the topic of our study today.
What do you do when your marriage is no longer a safe place for sexual intimacy?
- Pornography
- Sexting
- An Emotional Affair
All of these are actions that lead to a physical affair… but are they enough cause for a divorce according to the Bible?
Let’s Talk About Divorce
What does the Bible say about divorce? Especially when dealing with virtual infidelity.
“For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel” (Malachi 2:16 NASB)
When my first marriage was failing because of infidelity all of my church friends and several preachers quoted Malachi 2:16 to me.
Stay in your marriage.
Fight for your marriage.
A wife has no Biblical grounds for divorce in the eyes of God.
Those are words that cause hopelessness to sink into the soul of a wife as little else can.
I, of course, tried to fight for that marriage. I set boundaries, scheduled appointments for marriage counseling, prayed for healing, and waited for a miracle.
Through the process, I learned something I try to be very honest about with the wives I counsel today.
Is virtual infidelity a ground for divorce? Yes. But does virtual infidelity have to be the end of your marriage? No, God can save your marriage while you are being safe and protecting your family. Click To TweetIt takes two willing people to reconcile a broken marriage.
Biblical Grounds for Divorce
When I found out my second (current) husband had a pornography addiction I began to search scripture intently about divorce. What I found was that those well-meaning friends many years ago were wrong. There are several instances when God allows for divorce.
Yes, there are grounds for divorce in the Bible. Below I will share several grounds for divorce Bible verses that helped me work through this confusing topic!
We have to know this stuff because over and over again, people ask when to walk away after infidelity in Christianity. And over and over again the answers don’t line up with Scripture.
- Infidelity, abuse, and abandonment are the three primary Biblical grounds for divorce.
Bible Verse About Abandonment and Abuse
This grounds for divorce Bible verse clearly shows God’s heart.
“Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace, those who abuse their spouse go against God’s teaching acting as an unbeliever” (1 Corinthians 7:15 NASB)
See these articles for more on this:
Bible Verse About Adultery
“but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity (sexual sin), makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 5:32 NASB emphasis mine)
Adultery is in the Bible specifically. Is emotional adultery in the Bible? Let’s see.
What Are Forms of Adultery?
Today’s world is much the same as the world 2000 years ago when Jesus walked the earth. The eyes lead to lust. Lust, when left unchecked leads to sexual sin. These are things that destroy marriage!
I want to answer two questions I am asked often in ministry with one scripture.
- Is having an online relationship considered cheating?
- What counts as infidelity in divorce?
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28 NASB)
Lust and Adultery
What does the Bible say about emotional affairs and virtual infidelity?
Lust is a sin at the root of pornography, sexting, emotional affairs, and the like. (And if you wonder, “Is an emotional affair Biblical grounds for divorce,” just know it fits right in with this topic. Yes it is as well.)
Yes, virtual infidelity is a ground for divorce Biblically. Technically, Jesus gives you permission to divorce over those issues.
BUT… I would like to add a word of caution, or perhaps make the case for trying to salvage your marriage.
The Case AGAINST Divorce on the Grounds of Virtual Infidelity
First, you should know that I make the case to fight for your marriage – as a woman who divorced her first husband for infidelity. That feels like a wobbly place to stand, but it is from that place of experience that I lovingly interject.
Divorce hurts. It doesn’t matter what the grounds for divorce are, divorce hurts.
Divorce hurts in ways and in places you never knew you could hurt.
Marriage is a covenant. A covenant is more than just a contract on a piece of paper. No, a covenant is a soul-deep commitment you make between God and your spouse. Somehow, when you break that commitment, no matter the reason, your soul hurts.
That sounds like mambo jumbo even as I type it, but it’s the only way I can explain the pain of divorce. It is hurt at the soul level.
You were once two, then the two became one flesh, now the one flesh has been savagely torn in two again. You are never the same as you were before you began.
Related Post: 4 Steps To Become One Flesh In Marriage Again
Dealing with Virtual Adultery Differently
Years later, my second husband faced an addiction to pornography. (I have his permission to share that it hurt our marriage deeply.)
God helped me see that this betrayal, had little to do with me and everything to do with my husband. Addiction is rarely about those hurt in the process.
What is Virtual Adultery?
Sexual addiction is about lust, and pride as well as other sins that a person is struggling through.
Virtual infidelity is, at its root, a sin problem.
I sin.
You sin.
Your spouse sins. Sexual sin, however, hurts in deeper ways.
“Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18 NASB)
What if, instead of railing at your husband for hurting you with his pornography addiction, you chose prayer?
Why Pray Over Pornography?
Sin is sin. No one ever gave up a habit of sin because someone nagged them, cried at them, or lectured them about it. No, sin is a heart issue.
Somewhere along the way, the sinner decided to be the god of his life over this issue.
I can attest to that in my sins of fear, jealousy, pride, and anger.
Sexual sin is no different except it is not your own private sin. Sexual sin is among the many things that destroy a marriage and family.
Because sin is a heart issue, praying over virtual infidelity is a way to bring real change. God can influence the heart of a sinner. God convicts us of change, softens our hearts, and opens our ears to make lasting changes.
Prayer and possibly prayer and fasting are ways to humbly take the real battle to the ultimate victor.
Prayer can bring radical change to virtual infidelity, pornography addiction, and any other sexual sins.
A helpful resource for this is: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse
How to Pray Over Virtual Infidelity
As I set out to pray over my husband’s pornography addiction I made a War Room Prayer Plan over several key issues:
- That God would open my eyes to see internet cheating signs
- For God to help me as I was dealing with the emotional hurt of virtual adultery
- That God would save us from divorce from infidelity
- For God to heal my heart and teach me to forgive
- That God would let my husband get caught every single time
- For our children to be shielded from this sin
- That my husband would have a soft heart and a willingness to change
I prayed over these things for months before change began. The day my husband came to me to talk about his addiction to pornography was the day healing began in earnest.
God moved in a powerful way. He had been wrecking my husband (though he had shown no signs outwardly) about the effects of this sin on us both. Because I had already been praying over this, God had softened my heart. Instead of reacting with, “I told you so” I was able to come alongside him in the journey to change.
We were able to set boundaries around technology (Aff Covenant eyes or other protection software) and create accountability to help him change.
Prayer wins battles that human confrontation alone can never effectively fight.
Is Prayer the Right Approach for Your Marriage?
I believe that prayer is always the right first step when marriage is under attack.
Always.
The Bible tells us to pray continually about everything. So know that prayer is always God’s will.
Now, will prayer be the answer that saves your marriage from virtual infidelity?
There isn’t a hard and fast answer to that.
- You may be hurting tonight, asking, “Should I be upset that my husband watches pornography?”
- Yes. You should be upset. That is a betrayal of the trust you placed in him when you took your vows.
- You may have found this asking, “Is flirting online considered cheating?” Or, “Do people get a divorce over sexting?”
- Yes. Lust is as bad as committing adultery. That is a sin that destroys a marriage.
- You could also be considering a divorce after infidelity has been found out.
- The trust has been so far breached that you don’t feel you could ever love or trust him again…
One wife confided in me, “My husband makes me cry every day, placing the blame of his addiction at the feet of my insecurity. What is considered cheating in the Bible?”
Infidelity is a difficult situation whether it is virtual or not. When marriage is hard like this, prayer can be the bridge of healing and hope.
God can save your marriage in any of these situations. In fact, I have seen Him step in, in miraculous ways so many times that I always advocate for prayer first. Prayer is one of the characteristics of a godly marriage and is a cornerstone characteristic of a godly wife!
Related Post: 16 Characteristics of a Godly Marriage and 14 Characteristics of a Godly Wife That Can Save Your Marriage
Use Wisdom About Safety
However, I also advocate for safety alongside prayer. Your safety matters to God. If you are in danger, seek protection. If your husband has been caught in an act of infidelity, yes pray, but also protect yourself.
- Go see your doctor.
- Separate yourself and your children from any danger.
- Set boundaries around finances.
- Involve your pastor, a counselor, and trusted friends or family for accountability.
Your safety matters.
Yes, God can save your marriage but no that does not mean you stay in danger while you wait.
Even if you are in NO immediate physical danger, you still need to protect your heart and mind. Once sin takes root, the flesh is loathed to give it up and will place blame everywhere but on itself. Be prepared and prayed up over that.
Sometimes the most loving thing a wife can do, when faced with such tough issues is separate from her husband until he is ready to change.
Related Post: Why Men Don’t Change
What If Prayer Doesn’t Work?
I would be foolish to write this from the position that prayer saves every marriage going through seasons of pain and sin.
It takes three people to change the direction of a difficult marriage. God, you and your spouse.
I always advocate prayer as a first strategy when marriages hit hard times because it invites God into the situation. Many times it takes difficult circumstances for us to realize we set God outside the door to our homes and have been pushing through the hard parts on our own strength.
I Never ONLY advocate prayer.
Now, to be clear, I believe in prayer, and whew don’t even get me started on the power of prayer and fasting, but prayer alone will not change your marriage.
Let me repeat that. Prayer alone will not change your marriage.
4 Steps To Confront Virtual Infidelity
Matthew 18:15-17 tells us that when someone is caught in sin we are to follow a few steps.
“Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that on the testimony of two or three witnesses every matter may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, he is to be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-17 NASB)
- Talk to them one on one.
- If no change takes place we talk to them with someone trusted in the faith.
- This could be a Sunday School leader or someone else in the faith who cares for your spouse.
- We can go further if no change takes place at that point and bring the matter before the church (or the elders of the church).
- This is the point you should be pursuing counseling, with or without your spouse to help you set clear boundaries.
- Then there is separation from the person to prompt change.
- Separation is a last resort, but it hurts and can prompt a lot of things. Some of which could be fake remorse and empty promises. Be sure to have a trusted counselor helping you set boundaries and discuss what reconciliation will look like.
Know that reconciliation will always include repentance + proof of believable behavior. Those build trust over time (be sure you have set a time frame) that can bring healing and real hope.
Related Post: How to Have a Difficult Conversation in a Christian Marriage
Not All Marriages Survive Infidelity or Addiction
The hard truth is that prayer doesn’t always bring the change you want. Following the steps to change and reconciliation doesn’t always stop the hurtful behavior. Not all marriages survive infidelity.
It hurts when you’ve fought so hard. When you’ve done everything you could and let God do everything He could and still your spouse chooses sin over your marriage – the pain is soul deep.
Yes, divorce is Biblical in those cases. It won’t make the pain of the past go away, but it will stop new pain from happening.
“But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” 1 Corinthians 7:15 ESV
A Broken Covenant
The Bible says, when a believer chooses to walk in sin we are to consider them an unbeliever. That releases you from the marriage covenant. Just to be clear, they chose the sin over the covenant – they broke the covenant -you only submitted to their choice.
You didn’t break the covenant. You are not held responsible for the divorce. I wish I had known that 20 years ago. So much religious guilt was put on me that I walked away from God and church to try to shake it. But I had done nothing wrong! Anyway, a rant for another post.
Also, related to this is the issue of addiction. Is addiction Biblical grounds for divorce? Read about ways to deal with addiction in marriage here: 11 Steps to Start Overcoming Pornography Biblically for Life
Real Talk About The Consequences of Virtual Infidelity
I want to talk specifically to the cheating spouse in this section. As your pursue this new relationship and take for granted the committed relationship you had, there are serious consequences.
The truth is, not all marriages can survive online affairs or online infidelity. A healthy marital relationship depends on trust… especially in the sexual relationship inside of marriage! An affair destroys all the trust that was built up in your marriage.
People rationalize it saying it was just a bunch of text messages or it was not in real life in the real world and the virtual world does not count any more than playing a video game counts toward murder charges. but physical contact or not, virtual relationships or virtual sex hurt your marriage.
The Detrimental Effect of A Cyber affair On You And Your Family
Breaking that trust with your spouse leads to divorce. You may call it irreconcilable differences instead of marital misconduct or an adulterous relationship, but it is serious. There are real world consequences for virtual affairs.
- Lost emotional connection not only with your spouse but with your children.
- Child support and child custody battles
- Spousal support when you are no longer in the home
- Painful divorce proceedings
- Having to find and deal with a family law attorney
Real consequences! These affect more than just the married person in your life. They affect your whole family and play a significant role in the mental health of all involved.
The New Will Wear Off
The other truth I want to state clearly is that the new always wears off of sin, leaving you heartbroken in the wreckage. The new partner will eventually become an old partner. Only chat rooms lose their appeal. The normal online sexual encounters stop giving you the same high and you have to up the sexual activity to enjoy things. Where before online chat rooms or sexting isn’t enough and you seek out more extreme forms of arousal.
In today’s digital age that could be anything, but it all loses the newness it once had. Such acts of sexual sin give a pleasurable feeling at first, but the potential impact on you and your loved ones is negative. It rewires your brain to not enjoy the simple pleasures of healthy sexual interaction. It leaves you irritable and angry. And it is a breach of trust that is difficult to repair.
Virtual infidelity often leads to physical cheating. Period. You may not have meant for it to go that far, but the enemy always pushes us farther than we intended! Get help! For your sake and your family’s sake.
How Will You Respond to Virtual Infidelity as a Ground for Divorce?
No, not every marriage will survive infidelity, but many can.
Is virtual infidelity a ground for divorce? Yes.
Is an emotional affair grounds for divorce. Yes.
But does virtual infidelity have to be the end of your marriage? No, God can save your marriage while you are being safe and protecting your family.
If you are a Christian struggling with adultery, know that there is still hope in Jesus.
Will you respond to virtual infidelity with prayer? Prayer changes things in a powerful way! Prayer, plus a solid plan for reconciliation can be an effective way to hope for your marriage today.
Regardless of what route you decide to take today, can I pray over you? Leave a comment below “Pray for us” and I will begin covering you and your marriage in prayer today.
in HIM,
Tiffany of Hope Joy in Christ inspires Christian Women to grow in faith, live out Biblical Marriage Principles and raise Godly Children. Join the Wives Only Facebook Group here or keep up with her through Pinterest.
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pray 🙏for us , thank u
Praying now, Nell.
Pray for us 🙏❤️
Father God, bring in YOUR peace and hope. Heal their marriage and bring complete restoration. Amen
Pray for us please.
Father, move in a powerful way in this marriage. Bring healing and hope in ways that only YOU can. Amen.
Pray for us please
Praying over this right now, Danelly.
Please pray for my husband. He is addicted to Porn and is an unbeliever. Only God can save our marriage. We have 2 children. Pray that God shields them from this sin. My heart is broken. Please pray for my ability to heal and forgive.
Father, move in a powerful way in Christin’s family. Heal, restore and show her YOU see, YOu hear, You care and You are able to do more than she could ever ask or imagine. Amen.
Almost from day 1 of our marriage, my marriage was already on the rocks. My husband was very weak with women, was accused of touching 2 women help at our home and had at least one affair I know of. He also has an issue with porn but refused counselling.
He has been taking money from my account and he does not account for the finances and this has been going on for the past 19 years. He has not worked for the past 20 years and I support him and our child. I am so tired of living like this and often I ask God to release me from my marriage so I can find a companion to share life with. It is horrible to live in a loveless marriage for 2 decades where someone only looks to me for the money I can provide.
Stephanie, that sounds like a prison sentence for sure. Have you seen a counselor? I highly suggest finding a godly Biblical counselor to help you with healing, setting boundaries, and even working toward a separation if he refuses to work on the marriage. God may not release you for divorce, but a separation could be healthy for you both in this situation… though I am not a counselor and don’t know all the facts. Please find one to talk through things with for your own mental health. I will continue praying with you.
Please please pray for us. I’m so so broken.
Father God please come into this situation in a powerful way and move mountains to heal and restore things with your children. Amen.
Hi, I was looking for the specific scripture reference of -“The Bible says, when a believer chooses to walk in sin we are to consider them an unbeliever.”
There is so much debate it seems over :
A. once saved always saved. Nothing you can do can take away your salvation, for it is from Jesus
B. If someone keeps on sinning they do not know Jesus and he does not abide in them.
(I believe B by the way, my husband believes A. He chose to live life full of sexual sin because – once saved always saved….) Looking for the verse of it makes them an unbeliever then. Is it the analogy of Jesus does not abide In them?
Yes, John 15 would speak to this but beyond this, Romans 6 hits it right on the nose.
It is a tough topic, and you may not win him over to what the Bible says, especially if he has hardened his heart, but you can seek godly counseling and set biblical boundaries to help him see you won’t continue to live in sin with him or enable him to live in sin. The boundaries are critical for you more than him (though they can be just the push someone needs to get help) because if the worst case ends up happening and you need to leave you will find peace knowing you did everything you could and he was not blindsided.
I will be praying with you over this, A.
I am so very glad that I stumbled upon your site. I would like for you to please pray for us. I am fighting the thought of me going back on medication for depression and anxiety of at least 20 years. I so want my marriage to be what God has intended. The devil is constantly trying to destroy my marriage whether it be lust, alcohol, deceit. I am here and completely surrender to fight for what God has intended for us. Thank you so much.
Praying over you in this struggle right now. Know that medication is not ungodly… depression and anxiety are as real as diabetes and cancer and if medication is okay for one it is okay for all. As for fighting the enemy so much – I always take that as a sign that God has something great in store for your story and the enemy will stop at nothing to keep it from happening. So make a prayer strategy, fast over it, and keep fighting back! You can do this with GOd’s help.
Thank you for this thoughtful article. I found it while Googling for biblical discussions on emotional infidelity as possible grounds for divorce.
Thank you for your emphasis on prayer and seeking reconciliation. I’ve been praying for the Lord to remove the other woman from my husband’s life (closest work colleague in terms of with whom he must work most closely, and is training her to replace him upon his retirement in fewer than 10 years). But my heart and emotions are just wishing he would commit physical adultery with her and that I would find out so I can leave him. I’m hurting so much and it is anguish. I can’t sleep worth beans and I’ve always been a good sleeper. It’s leading me to be unable to function well during my daytime hours as I am so draggy from sleep deprivation. I just want him out of my life. He is such a harsh, judgmental, unkind man and I don’t like him anyway.
I agreed to marry him when he demanded I talk with him the evening after I broke up with him for the 2nd time as I did not love him. He said he would kill himself if I didn’t talk with him. Well, I didn’t want to be responsible for him killing himself and I was young and unaware that this was manipulation and I had the right not to give in. Now it has ruined my whole life.
So his having an affair would be my ticket out. Our kids are raised. They all know our marriage is awful. I’m sure they were glad to get away. One attended college in the South; we live in the Northeast. She moved to the opposite coast after college. The other moved to the Midwest. Our son wants to move to the South. No one wants to live near us. I can’t believe that living in our household with all it’s arguing, hostility, and coldness was healthier for them than divorce, but we obeyed the Lord thus far in that we stayed married. Neither of us is happy. We’re in marriage counseling now but I just want out.
But of course I won’t seek to get out unless I grow convinced it is permitted by the Lord. I want His will. I do want this awful man to love me, to be kind to me, and to become a person who can listen and be thoughtful and understanding. He grew up in a dysfunctional, no believing family and has deep inner wounds from emotional abandonment and neglect by his parents and acknowledges this but won’t seek counseling for himself. He needs a Damascus experience to change. My family of origin was loving, supportive, and godly. I have ruined our family legacy by marrying this man. Two of our three children have renounced the Lord and one identifies as a pansexual non-binary person and is about to adopt a new weird first name starting with “Z”. The third child, a believer, is suicidal due to extreme pornography addiction and is at an addiction recovery center trying to defeat the addiction. We are ruined.
I rue the day I ever agreed to go and talk to this man after I broke up with him for the 2nd time. My children and my personal Christian counselor all agree he emotionally abuses me. He just spent 5 years refusing me sex, hugs (except at our parents’ funerals), and even eye contact and conversation because I told him I thought pegging was perverse. He got the idea from pornography and wanted to peg with me. I was punished for five years after making that statement.
Yet I don’t have the witness of the Holy Spirit that it is biblical for me to leave the marriage. Money isn’t an issue. I will prayerfully consider your exhortations and I know from the Spirit’s witness as I read that I need to repent of my hope that he will cheat physically and thus give me clear grounds to leave him. I need to hope and pray he will repent and that God would somehow miraculously transform him. He doesn’t read the Word and pray so it would take a real miracle.
If I may say so, your statement “…But that is a rant for another time” or article or column or whatever you said…This undermines the authority of your teaching in this article. Bible teachers don’t “rant”. I think you should remove this or word it differently. It immediately drained some of the esteem for you as a teacher that was built up as I read and considered your instruction. I know it’s only human to “rant” or to want to rant, and I definitely understand! But I think it is best left out of what is, in effect, a Bible study because it subtracts. The rest of your piece is quite amazing and I will read and re-read it as I seek God for guidance, as well as other writings.
The Focus on the Family treatment of this same topic is very disappointing. Not for their position, which is the traditional position saying divorce is unjustified on the basis of an emotional affair. I understand and “get” this interpretation and it seems the safest and most solid one theologically. But their attitude and lack of empathy for the suffering of the spouse who is the victim of an emotional affair on the part of their spouse is truly disturbing. They judge the victim for even fantasizing about divorce and asking the question. This is wrong. Biblical counsel must be accurate and proper, but the truth must be always spoken with love. Speaking the truth in love. One got the impression they were Pharisees splitting the hairs of scripture without really “seeing” the hurting person that wrote in. This is unusual for Focus on the Family and I was stunned to see it. Imagine my relief to come here and see your kind and thoughtful understanding. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!!!
I am so sorry you have been through so much with this marriage. It is frustrating the “Christian advice” out there on this topic. I am praying God helps you start to heal and find hope in Him again.
Please pray for us
Praying now, Gina. Father God move in a powerful way to change hearts, heal brokenness, strengthen faith and bring joy and peace through this season. Amen.