How long has it been since words like playful, flirtatious, and fun best described your Christian marriage? The pressures, responsibilities, and burdens of life tend to steal our joy and that is dangerous to a successful marriage. When you are married with children there is even more stress at work to steal the fun parts of life. To improve communication in marriage today we will learn how to stop being defensive while using playful words to have fun with your spouse again.
Do You Want to Learn How To Stop Being Defensive in Marriage?
I ask the question, “Do you want to learn how to stop being defensive in marriage?” for a reason.
There have been seasons in my life when there was only a tiny part of me that thought I needed to learn how to do this. To learn how to overcome that defensive nature seemed ridiculous. Counter-productive.
What I wanted was a change in my marriage. Real change. Lasting change.
And I didn’t see how my defensiveness was doing anything except helping defend myself from my spouse. It was his insensitive comments, his selfish habits, and his thoughtlessness that were at the root of our marital trouble.
Or so I thought… until God stepped in and began to undo me with all the things the Bible says about how to be a godly wife.
Questions About Being Defensive in Marriage
When God began to open my eyes to all the ways I was living as an ungodly wife I saw it, but only a little bit. I was still arguing with the Lord about being walked on, manipulated, and taken for granted.
If I stopped defending myself, who would defend me?
That one question led to more questions you may be thinking about right now as well:
- What causes defensive behavior?
- Why do I get so defensive so easily?
- What is a defensive personality?
- How do you stand up for yourself without being defensive?
So here is what I learned while studying God’s Word about our words and the need to defend ourselves in life and marriage.
What Causes Defensive Behavior?
Before we can ever learn how to stop being defensive in a relationship we have to see the cause.
What causes defensive behavior? Hurt.
It is so simple it’s scary. Hurt in the past causes us to begin to go on the defensive. In fact, guarding your heart is considered wise in Scripture.
“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (Proverbs 4:23 NASB)
But as we will see as we go on with today’s lesson, there is a way to stand up for yourself that is not defensive.
Why Do I Get So Defensive So Easily?
For years my friends accused me of being easily offended. They called me a defensive person with an easily defensive attitude.
Why am I so defensive and sensitive? I was raised in a culture of shame and abuse. The hurt from my past experiences runs deep. As a result of great hurt and trauma, I was easily offended and became defensive easily with any new perceived attack.
Of course, it doesn’t help to be accused of being defensive by friends, but their honesty helped me see the truth.
Their honesty helped me see the way they saw my words. They helped me begin to understand the difference between explaining and being defensive. I thought I was just explaining myself, my position, my thoughts on a topic. But often I was defending myself before they had a change to attack.
When you learn How to Stop Being Defensive in Marriage you are able to bring fun and playfulness back into the relationship! Learn 6 Tips To Be Playful Today. Share on XWhat Is A Defensive Personality?
You know it’s gone too far when you move from people pointing out the difference between explaining and being defensive, to people avoiding conversation with you altogether.
You’ve become one of those defensive people who always has a defensive response when sharing your point of view!
I remember the first time I realized people were avoiding talking about anything that could be controversial with me. It stung. They had been trying to tell me I was too easily offended. I was defensive in our conversations more often than not. Then they started avoiding me. Ouch.
It stinks that our response to pain can often cause more pain in our lives.
A defensive personality can grow from the pain of needing to defend yourself too often.
A defensive personality is difficult to live with or be around. We can turn any conversation into an argument. We can feel that need to win so badly that we drive our friends and family away.
How Do You Stand Up For Yourself Without Being Defensive?
So then, how do we really change? How can we shift and not still be hurt over and over again? How do you stand up for yourself without being defensive?
That really depends on what kind of relationship you are talking about.
Learning how to stop being defensive in relationships outside of the family will require boundaries and trust. You also may need to walk away from some people if you just can’t trust them.
Learning how to stop being defensive in marriage, however, will require much more work. Much more work. Marriage is intended to last until death. That means you won’t just walk away unless there are Biblical grounds for divorce (abuse, abandonment, infidelity).
The key that we will learn below is to allow God to fight your battles. That is the simple answer to how to stop being defensive and argumentative. When you learn how to humble yourself and invite the LORD to fight for you you learn how to not be defensive in conversations.
Why does inviting the Lord to fight for you stop defensiveness? When Jesus is fighting for you, you don’t need to fight. When Jesus is fighting for you, you know you will win.
Words Matter in Marriage
So how did I shift from wondering why am I so defensive in my relationship to learning how to be playful? There is one Bible verse about our words that helped me shift how I was communicating in marriage.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21 NASB)
This one Scripture about communication completely changed how I thought about what I said to most people.
Proverbs 18:21 says our words matter. Words have power. They either speak life or they speak death but the point is they hold power.
If my words can heal or destroy, it is a good idea to learn how to stop being defensive with my words. Defensive words often destroy… at least, that’s my story. How about yours?
Words of Death
Do you know what kinds of words speak death into our Marriage?
- Nagging
- Criticizing
- Teaching
- Correcting
- Always pointing out the flaws
Ouch, those were all words that would have described my communication style in marriage a decade ago. We have talked at length about switching out those old deadly types of communication. It starts with your thoughts.
Here are some links to resources to help review if you found this mid-series:
- 14 Powerful Ways to Change Negative Thinking in Marriage
- Avoid Toxic Words to Improve Communication in Marriage
Words of Life
If those are words of death, what kinds of words speak life into our marriage?
- Appreciation and admiration
- They build up my husband creating momentum and confidence.
- Factual words instead of emotionally toxic words
- They help us stay focused on real marital issues and avoid needless conflict in marriage.
- Playful words, flirtatious Words, feminine words
- They add fun back into our romantic relationships like a breath of fresh air.
Related Post: 10 Ways To Have Fun in a Christian Marriage
We have not talked a lot about how to use playful words to speak life into your relationship. I will share several tips to help you start using playfulness to shift the dynamic of the home.
What are Playful Words?
Earlier in our series we learned the importance of responding rather than reacting. This is the best thing for our mental health! It promotes positive change!
Taking a moment to push our first fleshly defensive reaction down so we can respond with grace is going to be important as we learn how to stop being defensive and practice playfulness. Lol. Say that 10 times fast!
Playful words are a fun way to respond instead of reacting.
Fun… you remember that right? Fun, like you used to have with your love… before the pressures of life sucked all the fun out of you… (or maybe that’s just me!)
When we respond in a playful way we can diffuse even the tensest situation. This can have the power to shift the dynamic from tense to fun. Life!
Have you registered for the Marriage Communication Workshop? This is a marriage communication exercise from the 10 day workshop.
An Example of Playful Words
Let me give you an example of how to use playful words.
First, let me confess a huge shortcoming in my life. I lack basic homemaking skills. I literally can not cook spaghetti to save my life. It doesn’t matter how I try, I overcook it, undercook it, or burn it. Honestly, homemaking is not my calling in life.
If my husband comes home in a bad mood from a bad day and I’ve burned the noodles he is likely to react with words that have wounding power – which is bad but we will circle back to his behavioral blind spots later.
His bad reaction is a good prompt for me to practice guarding my mouth (marriage communication exercise #3). My prayer as his words raise all my emotions now is, “Guard my mouth, Lord.”
Respond Rather Than React
The easiest way to deal with these kinds of uncomfortable situations is to just blindly react to our own emotions in a defensive manner. That ends badly!
Instead of rising with the emotion of that situation, I can choose to respond with active listening and playfulness instead.
“How can anyone mess up spaghetti?” he says with a scowl.
“Well you can always count on me to be consistent and make me pay for it later,” I flirt back with a wink.
When you add a bit of humor and flirtation (great things for married couples in any season) it can diffuse the tension almost immediately.
Add a bit of humor and flirtation to diffuse the tension in marriage almost immediately. Share on XPractice Playfulness To Learn How To Stop Being Defensive
Playfulness and flirtation are not our natural reactions anymore, right?
How I miss those days. Anybody else? I miss that fun girl who laughed and joked and flirted with her handsome boyfriend. If anyone knows how to get her back, email me!
Okay, so fun and playful are not our go-to responses. That means that this communication tool will require practice! I literally practice being playful and flirting in the mirror (because I need my face to match my words).
We’ve talked about the need to change our negative thinking about our husband, this is a great way to start doing it.
Related Post: Thoughts Become Words in Marriage: How To Understand
How to Prepare to Use Playful Words in Your Marriage
The same situations and phrases are repeated over and over in our homes most weeks. You KNOW what happens to create drama, that leads to bad communication. So how can we get ahead of them? How can we learn to stop being defensive and be playful instead?
Do you remember playing house as a little girl? You would practice being a wife and mom for hours. Every scene was played out and repeated until it felt right. That is a great way to learn this communication skill.
Play Acting
We all have a habit of replaying a situation in our minds. Usually, we hear how bad this is, but I actually want to encourage you to just repurpose the habit.
In the past, I was replaying things to find ways to get back at him (SMH), but I learned I could spin this habit for my benefit!
Now when I replay a hurtful situation I am looking for humor, practicing playful phrases, and trying a bit of flirtation. When it feels right in my mind, I begin to practice it in front of a mirror. Then, when the situation comes up I am ready to try out my new idea.
Barriers To Playful Words
There are at least two very serious barriers to using playful words to speak life in your marriage
- Defending myself
- Assuming the worst intentions
When I have shared this advice with other wives, their response was:
“When my husband says something potentially hurtful you want me to be playful instead of correcting him and defending myself?”
Yes. Yes, I do.
It sounds crazy to put aside our emotions at the moment and become peacemakers. I get that. Hear me out.
How To Overcoming Barriers To Stop Being Defensive
Yes, there are hurtful things that have to be addressed in our spouse’s attitude, words, and behavior at times. We will come back to the hurtful words later… when the sting is gone and we can talk with cool heads.
Right now, in this season, we have a desire to improve overall communication in marriage. We want to learn skills that lead to effective communication in marriage.
Those skills will come with a short-term cost. One of us has to change. It feels one-sided and countercultural to give up my right to be right and defend myself… but it is God’s way.
Let God Fight For You When Learning How To Stop Being Defensive in Marriage
“Wonderously show your lovingkindness, O Savior of those who take refuge at Your right hand from those who rise up against them. Keep me as the apple of the eye; Hide me in the shadow of Your wings.” (Psalm 17:7-8 NASB)
Just for this workshop, in this 30-day marriage challenge, we must set aside our right to defend ourselves. For this season, while we are fighting for our marriage, we are asking God to defend us instead.
He is more than capable.
He is more than willing.
While we are humbled before Him, yielded, and still let’s let Him fight our battles in marriage.
Related Post: How To Let Go and Let God: Surrender Brings Peace
How To Let God Fight For You So You Can Stop Being Defensive
Learning how to stop being defensive is about learning to allow God to fight your battles instead. When He is fighting you don’t have to fight. You can just obey Him, trusting that He will protect you.
How do I give up my right and stop defending myself for 30-days?
That sounds too simple. How can you let God fight for your situation? These are the practical steps that go with this 30-day marriage challenge.
- Decide you will not be easily offended
- Give your partner the benefit of the doubt
- Remember my own mistakes
- Talk about the hurt later
- Fix your face
- Get help with abuse
1. Decide Not To Be Easily Offended to Stop Being Defensive
“A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.” (Proverbs 19:11 NASB)
Can I be painfully honest with you?
I take myself way too seriously. Do you?
I want things to be my way because I believe my way is the best way (the only way) to do things. Do you?
When my husband points out my flaws or does something different than I wanted it done I am easily offended. Are you?
I am quick to point out his flaws but it hurts when he points out mine.
This is such a double standard but it was the way our home was for years. I needed to confess this to God and ask Him to help me be less easily offended and take myself less seriously.
The first step in how to stop being defensive in my marriage is to take myself less seriously and decide not to be easily offended.
Step one in how to stop being defensive in my marriage is to take myself less seriously and decide not to be easily offended. Share on XRelated Post: How To Stop Controlling Your Husband
2. Give Your Partner The Benefit of The Doubt
A more simple way to say that is to assume they had the best intentions. Sometimes the most important thing we can do in the first place, when uncomfortable emotions rise up in us is to evaluate things from different perspectives. Assume he had good intentions, even if things came out badly. Even if you don’t see his initial reaction to the hard thing is way off… assume he didn’t mean to hurt you.
When we start from a negative light, we have nowhere else to go. But, if we start by assuming positive intentions, looking for personal growth even… well we can always go down from there, but it’s much harder to go up from that negative place.
And a huge part of this is learning to forgive when you are offended. Forgiveness is always a great idea.
In fact, decide to forgive before it even happens, because you know it will happen… because you know Jesus freely forgives you.
Relate Post: How To Forgive Without An Apology: Pre-Forgiveness
- Instead of brooding over my insensitive husband, I assume he had a bad day and didn’t think before he spoke.
- Instead of being offended by his insult of my cooking skills, I resolve to take myself less seriously and find the funny side of my shortcomings.
3. Remember I Make Mistakes
While learning how to stop being defensive in marriage, God brought me face-to-face with my own mess. This was a different way to get out of reactive mode. It hit me hard.
I have shortcomings.
You have shortcomings.
Your husband knows your flaws and is good at pointing them out, isn’t he?!? Mine is.
It is humbling to see that I hurt him, to see when he is defensive in response to my mess.
There are days he hurts me.
On those days I have learned to step away, take a deep breath, and let God filter my words, and guard my mouth. I practice the funny line I thought of, then go back out to play the flirtatious wife. Sometimes it works and other times it flops, but I am in a lighter mood for the effort. Victory!
4. Talk About The Hurt Later to Stop Being Defensive
I am the most defensive when I have tried to just ignore the hurt or just pray and sweep it under the rug. When I pretend nothing happened I get defensive. It is important to talk about what hurt you with your partner.
It just doesn’t have to be in the moment, when tensions are high, the kids are crying and the noodles are sticking to the pot!
Later on, when the emotion of it all has faded, that’s when we can talk through the real issues of that problem. When we are both cool-headed and open to listening to each other.
But make no mistake about it, a healthy relationship is built on talking through the tough parts.
Difficult conversations are essential to healthy relationships!
We can NOT just flirt and laugh and hope it all goes away. Playfulness is just a tool to stop us from adding to the hard things we have to talk about… ya’ know?
At the moment we just want to diffuse the tension of a difficult situation and playful words do that.
5. Fix Your Face
Can I overly emphasize something? Do practice this in a mirror. If he hears you flirt but your facial expressions don’t match it the fun will be ruined. My face is an unwilling traitor to my cause of speaking words of life to my husband all too often.
When learning how to stop being defensive, we have to get our face to match our words! Otherwise, the face speaks words of death (it looks like a defensive partner!) and we lose!
- Practice what you will say next time drama comes up.
- Practice being playful with him.
- Try adding in a cute little bit of sass.
- Toy with the way you can swish your hips.
- Play around with different flirtatious phrases.
Try them out on him to see what gets his eye to raise. If it doesn’t work, try something else. You will know you found the right combination of playful words and flirtatious body language when he plays back or suggests something else 😉.
6. Abuse is Never Okay
Abuse is NEVER okay. Seek help if you are being abused in any way. This communication tool works for the quirky things that happen and are hurtful but not abusive.
This tool assumes you are in a safe environment, a safe space where both parties will seek long-term change. If not, find a Christian family therapist to help you set healthy boundaries and get safe.
We will discuss how to handle abuse and betryal in a few days.
Use Feminine Words When Learning How To Stop Being Defensive
Using playful words is about responding instead of reacting to change the dynamic. Another great type of playfulness is to engage your femininity.
Why Add Feminine Words?
Why add feminine words to our communication tool belt?
I know the idea of femininity seems old-fashioned and outdated, but there is so much power in our gentle feminine nature.
When you use playful words in a wise feminine way you have the power to get your husband off the offensive.
- A feminine attitude is about creating an atmosphere in our conversations where he doesn’t feel like he’s on trial. You don’t want your husband to feel like he has to defend himself in some way.
We’re just having a conversation and we want him involved not shut down.
What Are Feminine Words?
We, as women can say things in a way that stirs something chivalrous within our men. It doesn’t happen when we are being defensive… in fact, that stirs up the opposite. So switching to a gentler response is a good tool.
When that deep-seated manly part of your husband is stirred up, he will be eager to step up and step in. This way of responding triggers him to do the right thing without nagging. Win-win!
Men And Women
We can debate all day long about women’s rights and progress, but as much as women have stepped into masculine roles in life, men are mostly still men.
Let me say it differently in case you are confused by the current cultural narrative.
- Men and women are different.
Your husband has a deep need inside of him to protect you, cherish you, and take care of you.
Men still want to be men but they need permission to feel like that’s okay.
Read that last sentence again… Men feel they need permission to cherish their women, to take care of their women, to protect their women!
They can be afraid to step on our toes or our rights. When you show up in the chaos, responding from your feminine side you give your husband permission to rise up and become the man he can be.
Examples of Feminine Words
In my journey to learn how to stop being defensive and speaking death to my partner, I found these feminine words and phrases stirred him to action:
- I expect more from a man like you.
- You’re a better man than that.
- I know you have it in you to treat me better.
These feminine phrases (when said in a soft gentle way) build your husband up. You’re affirming him, believing in his character, and stirring up him to try harder.
Feminine words affirm what we know about him.
I know you are a good man…
You would never do anything to intentionally hurt me but…
For example:
You are a good man, you must not have relaized xyz would hurt me.
It hurts me when you do xyz and I know you didn’t intend to hurt me.
What These Feminine Phrases Say
These words say there is a standard and I know my spouse can reach it, all the while affirming his character:
- You are a godly man…
- Your desire to be a good father is apparent…
- I know you love me…
- I know you want to cherish me…
- You want to provide for us…
- You would never do anything to hurt our family intentionally…
Those affirming things say, “Hey you are doing something wrong here and I believe in you to do better.”
The Benefits of Using Feminine Words
There are so many benefits of communicating in a more feminine way when we want to become defensive. When we choose to respond in this way rather than react in fear and pride, it motivates change in our partner!
We can say it without being or acting critical or hurtful! When we use our feminine side we can communicate our position in a way he can actually hear and understand. In a way that will not raise the alarm or put him on the offensive.
When I use my feminine side and add in playful words I am not being aggressive or nagging, instead, I am controlling my tongue.
This is not a Bible verse about marriage exactly, but it applies to our session today.
“There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18 NASB)
Your husband has a God-given desire to protect you, provide for you, and cherish you. However, our culture’s obsession with equality and progressive thinking is working to stomp that out of him.
Our words can give him permission to act on those deeply rooted godly desires.
Our words can stir and re-kindle love and deep intimate communication in marriage inside of him.
Will You Use Playfulness to Learn How To Stop Being Defensive in Marriage?
When you have unresolved hurt in your life, you will tend to become defensive.
When you are not depending on God to fight your battles, you will have a habit of defending yourself.
That defensive nature will destroy your relationships, drive away your friends and loved ones, and allow bitterness and resentment to take root in your heart.
We don’t want that. We want to love well, be loved well, and create an environment where open communication is a part of our every day!
To get to that place we must learn how to stop being defensive in marriage.
Flirtation, playful words and a feminine attitude are ways to accomplish this goal. Will you choose to start adding fun back into your relationship in this way today?
Need To Go Deeper?
Today we talked about the first of 10 communication tools.
If you need more help to improve communication in your marriage be sure to join the Marriage Communication Workshop. This is a 10-session workshop that gives you practical tools to use to change and heal the broken lines of communication in your marriage.
In HIM,
Tiffany of Hope Joy in Christ inspires Christian Women to grow in faith, live out Biblical Marriage Principles and raise Godly Children. Join the Wives Only Facebook Group here or keep up with her through Pinterest.
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I definitely agree that factual words over sounding naggy can really help with a relationship’s communication skills. Also, always depends on the tone in which you use these words!
oh man the tone of voice is so important. It doesn’t matter what I say if it’s in an angry tone!
So much great information here to help foster better communication! Communication is SO important to a happy and health marriage.
It really is. As long as we are still communicating there is still hope!
This is great, Tiffany. I love to do this but need to do it more. When my husband is out shovelling the snow, I will tap on the window and then wave at him. When he told me the other night that the stir fry needed more meat and less veggies, I whimpered like a little girl and then we both burst into laughter. Thanks for a great reminder. Blessings, Amy
Love that Amy! Way to Go!
Reading this gave me a good reminder of remembering to respond with love and kindness especially in those moments that are difficult. Sometimes it takes putting some tape over my lips to ensure I don’t say something bot nice…lol
I hear that! mouth tape – it could be a nice Valentine Day gift!
I don’t know that I could ever see the feminine phrases come out of my mouth, but I really do try to not be critical. I also am working at taking criticism better.
That is a great plan Rachel!
I love the “playful” terminology! So important!
Glad it blessed you! Thanks for the comment
This post is full of great ideas, Tiffany! I love the playful response (and the top to practice ahead of time) to respond to a hurtful situation. You’re right, we need to take ourselves less seriously and choose to not get offended. It’s so much better that way. Great series!!
So glad you are enjoying it Kelly
I like the feminine words…still addressing the issue but also letting your husband know that you’re not attacking his character. I think I would have a hard time being playful if my husband said something purposefully hurtful.
I hear you Melissa, it is def a muscle you have to get worked and practiced but it really helps keep my heart clean and force him to own his part.
Can you write more about it? Your articles are always helpful to me. Thank you!
This is actually part of a series. This is where it begins. It starts here https://hopejoyinchrist.com/how-to-improve-communication-in-a-christian-marriage-know-me/
Praying over you right now.
Thanks for your help and for writing this post. It’s been great.
So glad it helped you. Praying blessings over you.