How do you improve communication in Marriage? It’s a question I asked for years with no good answer. Bud and I read some of the best Christian Marriage books which offered a lot of quick-fix strategies that just never worked for us. Can you relate? Hubby and I both wanted to learn how to communicate better. Funny isn’t it. We tried hard, apply strategies and got frustrated when they didn’t work – or they didn’t work long term.
So let me be clear as we begin. This is not a quick fix. There is no quick fix to learn how to communicate better with your spouse. This is not a formula that will immediately transform your marriage (even a broken marriage) into a Fairy-tale happy marriage.
No, what I offer you today is a heart deep transformation that will change the pattern of communication in marriage slowly but in a more sustainable way.
This is a small part of the Marriage Communication Workshop. Each day in the workshop we will practice marriage communication exercises and apply scripture to each area to invite God into this part of our Marriage.
Step One to Effective Communication in Marriage begins in prayer asking God to search me and know me
Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thought; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.
Know me God and help me to know myself
I always think I am right in an argument. Always. If I have even a shadow of a doubt about the matter I won’t engage in the fight. It drives my husband crazy. On the other hand, my husband loves to be right – even when he is wrong. It doesn’t matter if the conversation is about the price of a barrel of oil or how the toilet paper should be hung on the role. He wants to win and I know I am right. The communication that happens in those moments is painful. And yes I openly admit we are human and still have some common marital problems.
Why do we fight about ridiculous things? I know we are not the only couple out there having pointless arguments and need help with conflict resolution in Marriage.
Seriously though, the attitude we take into the conversation often dictates the result. If I am bent on being right and he is set on winning we are headed for a humdinger of a night. Our attitudes are barriers to effective communication in Marriage.
As we begin we will address 4 barriers to effective Communication in Marriage head first.
Barrier #1: Refusing to own my part in our Communication problems.
Do you know yourself well?
For years I was blind to my own faults and quirks. I had been told I was a know it all, a brat, insufferable, over the top dramatic, A-Type, a people-pleaser, persistent, dictator-like… Most of the time I ignored people when they called me out for my quirks. God made me that way I would rationalize and they should just get used to it.
But can I be honest with you? God didn’t make me that way. Many of those characteristics were chiseled into me by the depravity of a sin-filled world. They were my coping mechanisms for surviving. I put up my “know it all” side when I didn’t want to be hurt or feel dumb. My people pleasing personality came out when I needed to avoid the confrontation that would wound me. That a-type personality that can drive through a to-do list can also drive away the people who love me. And all of these things lead to an unhappy marriage – yes even in a Christian Marriage.
If you want to know yourself better ask God to show you what He sees: What is your Identity in Christ?
About a decade ago I was so far down in a pit of despair I couldn’t see my way out. My Second Marriage was on the rocks, we had lost a child, it seemed like there was nothing left to live for. A radio preacher began to talk about how much God loved me, created me specifically with His own blueprint, saw every fault and quirk in me and valued me too much to leave me in a pit of despair. (Read more about that here)
Ever had one of those moments? A moment where God speaks right into your heart answering the very prayer you thew out into the universe. I began praying Psalm 139 at his insistence and God began to show me the parts of me He designed and how sin and pain had twisted them. He began showing me how to give them back to Him to heal and mold and transform into a beautiful testimony.
What does Psalm 139 have to do with better Communication in a Christian Marriage?
When you ask God to “Search me and know me”, He will show you the things you have not forgiving in your marriage. It’s so easy to let those things build up until they seep out as bitterness and resentment in our everyday conversation. You can ask God to show you where you are angry, where you no longer trust your husband.
God taught me how to forgive.
Forgiveness is Key to Improving Life let alone communication in Marriage. Many times I am not even aware I didn’t forgive my husband until God shows me?!?!?
The point is I need to know myself in order to work on our Marriage, and for years I was not owning my part in our communication problem. Shoot, I wasn’t owning my part in any of our marriage problems. I was sure all of our communication problems lay firmly on my husband’s shoulders.
My husband believed this as well because I had told him so, so many times.
For years I had been hammering home all his faults, quirks and failures as the reason our Marriage issues. He believed me. My words echoed what the enemy was already whispering to him about his failures.
Wives, if we want to Improve Communication in our Christian Marriage we have to Own Our Part.Wives, if we want to Improve Communication in our Christian Marriage we have to Own Our Part. Click To Tweet
Now I am not saying everything is my fault or that I bore the responsibility for everything being a mess. What I am saying, sweet wife, is that it takes two to make or break a marriage.
I am One of those Two and I desperately wanted to fix my Marriage. Honestly, in my deepest dreams, I longed for our marriage to be filled with Hope and Joy. Can you relate?
There is no way to improve communication if I am unwilling to accept responsibility for my part of the problem.There is no way to improve communication if I am unwilling to accept responsibility for my part of the problem. Click To Tweet
How do I own my part and improve communication in a Christian Marriage?
It begins with prayer. Do you have an effective Strategy to pray and do real spiritual battle over your life and your marriage? You are at war, there is a real spiritual war going on right now – whether you are fighting back or not! It’s time to become a Prayer Warrior Wife!
- Ask God to show you where there is anything in your heart you have not forgiven.
- Beg God to guard your mouth until you have forgiven and given up keeping an account of wrong.
- Pray Psalm 139 over your life seeking wisdom about who you are and Whose you are.
- As God reveals things in you that are causing the communication break down in marriage- admit them, confess them and ask God to change you.
- Watch as you see a radical change in the communication in your marriage. The change will happen slowly but it will be a lasting change!
What if your husband is narcissistic, antagonistic, always nitpicking, complaining/grumbling and raring for a fight anytime you are together?
I do not stand before you today with all the answers nor would I ever want to minimize your situation. My heart breaks for you in that situation. I would love to join in prayer with you that God will change his heart and this situation. Please do not bear this burden alone.
What I will say is this; all of those things have probably caused you to hold a record of his wrongs – refuse to forgive him because the offense is repeated without remorse or apology. I know from experience that it is so hard to forgive those kinds of people because it seems like you are letting them off the hook and that you will be opening yourself up to deeper hurt.
Agree or disagree, God tells us to love our enemy.
Luke 6:27-36 … love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you…
No one wants to outright call our husband the enemy, but it feels that way sometimes doesn’t it? If you are in a difficult place with your husband’s faults I would ask you to stick around. We will hit that head-on and apply many Marriage Communication tools to help in any circumstance.
If you are in a difficult season of a Christian Marriage or if you feel that you are in the midst of an impossible to change Difficult Marriage – hold onto Hope. The same God who raises the Dead can work miracles to change everything in your situation*.
In conclusion – Owning My part is Key for growing healthy, Effective Communication in a Christian Marriage
Today we covered the importance of communication in Marriage and the importance of knowing ourselves and asking God to show us how He sees us. We discussed how to own our part and improve communication by getting to know the real you and allowing God to change the parts that are not pleasing to Him. This is the first step in the heart deep process of radical change in your Marriage. LOL, it will actually change every relationship in your life if you allow it!
If this is an area you are working to improve in your marriage be sure to join the full Marriage Communication Workshop, download the effective communication in Marriage PDF workbook that is filled with even more Marriage Communication exercises!
If you enjoyed this you would also like these Posts:
- How to Fast and Pray in a Way that Pleases God
- Be a Biblical wife to an Ungodly Husband
- To The Wife Who Needs Security in a Christian Marriage