17 Ways To Kill Expectations in a Relationship and Accept Your Spouse

Raise your hand if you have ever tried to change your spouse.  Oh, you can’t see me, but my hand is up too.  Today we are going to address how to improve communication in marriage by learning to accept your spouse as they are right now. This is all about dealing with expectations in a relationship both good and unrealistic expectations.

What Are Unrealistic Expectations in a Relationship?

Isn’t it crazy that we are talking about how to accept our spouses? I mean, really, would you have ever dreamed on your wedding day that one day you would have to work so hard to just accept who that person is today?

There was a time in your life when you loved every single quirk and habit in your partner. What happened?

Life came in bringing pressure and burdens and trauma and hardships you never imagined. Over time, all the weight works like a refiner’s fire to bring sins and imperfections to the surface and remove them. Now, sometimes we cooperate and come through better, stronger, more mature, and ready for life. Other times, however, we fight and have setbacks and wallow in the mire that is revealed.

And in the midst of all of that, our partner walks beside us. They see us rise up and they see us wallow just as we see them in the process. And as time goes on we settle into a pattern where expectations in a relationship lead us away from acceptance and love.

Can you relate?

Spouse Changers United

Didn’t raise your hand? Maybe you misunderstood my question… maybe don’t think of what you do as trying to change your partner.  Let me ask it a different way:

• Do you try to help them grow?
• Are you often pointing out ways they could mature?
• Do you struggle to get them to see how important something is?
• How often do you offer (unsolicited) advice to keep them from obvious mistakes?
• Do you feel it’s your spiritual gift to open their eyes to the positive side of life?

I’m stopping now, but these are just some of the things I have been personally guilty of doing to try to change my spouse. That leads me to a question. What are unrealistic expectations in a relationship?

If I am honest, I want my spouse to be more mature, to desire the things I desire, to lead more, to be more considerate… to be perfect… more like me… Ouch. That is unrealistic and unreal because I am far from perfect. And I would NEVER admit that out loud face to face, but it is what my actions toward that man reflect in my heart.

Related Post: 3 Keys to Guarding Desire in a Christian Marriage

When I take my expectations to God rather than to my husband, it creates this beautiful momentum. I am full, all my expectations in a relationship being met by God. So from my fullness, I can love my husband better. Share on X

Questions About Expectations in Marriage

So what do we do with all of that? I have so many questions as usual!

• What are realistic expectations in a relationship?
• What are 3 things you expect in a relationship?
• Is it wrong to have expectations in a relationship?
• What are standards and expectations in a relationship?
• And, what role do expectations play in romantic relationships?

As we discuss accepting our spouse we will address most of these questions from a Biblical perspective. And, Y’all, that is what we desperately need! The world and the LORD have a completely different understanding of this topic. As Christians trying to live within a godly marriage we must ask what God says and try to live that way through the power of the Holy Spirit working in us.

Related Post: 16 Characteristics of a Godly Marriage

Expectations Vs Responsibility in Marriage

After decades of marriage and marriage counseling and in turn, mentoring others in their marriage I have learned something universal about men and women. Trying to change others shuts down all paths of communication.

That’s right, whether we are discussing female expectations in a relationship or expectations from a man in a relationship, this is true. The moment your partner realizes you are trying to change them they shut down.

Why do they shut down? They feel unaccepted, unloved, unrespected, and uncherished. All opposite feelings to what we desire in this most intimate relationship of our lifetime.

So how do you manage expectations in a relationship when there are real needs being left unmet? Today I will share 17 ways to deal with expectations in a relationship so you can begin to accept your spouse and have healthy communication!

1. Acceptance starts with NO expectations.
2. Know what the Bible says.
3. Understand God’s expectations.
4. Understand who holds us accountable for God’s expectations.
5. Remind yourself that God is always working to change us.
6. Acknowledge the expectations you have.
7. Lower your expectations to create momentum.
8. Take your expectations to the LORD.
9. Cement the fact that God meets all your needs in your heart.
10. See what happens when God meets your needs.
11. Acknowledge that your spouse has needs and expectations.
12. See what happens to your spouse when you let God meet all your needs.
13. Be vulnerable.
14. Remember God cares for you and all you care about.
15. Pray about your expectations.
16. Make a list.
17. Give grace.

1. Acceptance Starts With No Expectations in a Relationship

I can already hear you scrolling off the page, but please just hear me out. 

I’m not saying he’s right and you are wrong. 

You have real needs. They are being left unmet. There is real pain in that situation.

I get that, but you also know that it takes two willing partners to make these changes to marriage. A fundamental truth about marriage is that your partner will not be willing to change if they believe you do not love and accept them as they are.  That is why we must stop expecting them to change to please us and accept who they are at this moment.

2. What Does The Bible Say About Expectations in a Relationship?

This lesson will begin to change things long-term in your home if you apply the principles intentionally. The Bible actually talks about how we are to love others through acceptance.

“Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:1-3 NASB)

Did you see those qualities of love in a healthy relationship?

• Humility
• Gentleness
• Patience
• Tolerance for one another in love
  • This is accepting others as they are while waiting for God to do the work of changing them in HIS time.
• Unity
• Peace

Those qualities are what we should expect in every relationship with a believer, marriage included. More to the point, however, these are qualities we should be living out!

What does that look like practically?

Expectations in a Relationship List

If we narrow things down to the most basic truth about what the expectations in a relationship are, we see that we each are only responsible for ourselves.

These are going to be things you know, but if you are like me you need a reminder, often.

1. You are only responsible for:
   • Your relationship with God.
   • Your maturity and spiritual growth.
     • Especially your parenting.
   • You’re only responsible for your perspective:
     • The way that you see life.
     • The way that you respond to life.
2. Your partner is only responsible for their:
   • Life
   • Parenting
   • Leadership
   • Maturity
   • Calling
   • Spiritual growth

Beyond that, we clearly see that God has put expectations on the man in marriage.

3. God’s Expectations in Marriage

Seeing that the wife is responsible for her own growth and change and the husband is responsible for his own growth and change is not quite the end here. We also see that God has set clear expectations for each of us in marriage.

Female Expectations in Marriage (The Wife)

Wives are called to respect and submit to their husbands.

“Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 
“and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:22 & 33 NASB)

A man who is being nagged and criticized about always needing to change does not feel respected. Really none of us would feel respected.

And to address submission we need a whole other talk. See the link below to go deeper there.

Related Post: How To Unleash the Power of Submission in Marriage

Expectations from a Man in a Relationship (The Husband)

And in his defense, God says that the husband is responsible for everything else that happens in his home and with his family because he is the head of the home.

“For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.” (Ephesians 5:23-33 NASB).

Let me just make you a list of all the things the husband is responsible for according to this passage:

• Love his wife:
  • Selflessly.
  • Sacrificially as Christ loved.
  • As he loves himself.
• Lead her Spiritually:
  • Sanctify his wife with the Word.
  • Present his wife to the Lord.
  • Help with temptation so she is without sin.
  • Lead her toward holiness.
• Meet her physical needs:
  • Cherishing her.
  • Nourishing her.
  • Taking care of the flesh.
• Be united with her.

Who could live up to that standard?

4. Who Holds Us Accountable For Meeting God’s Expectations in Marriage?

This feels like a rhetorical question, but it is not. I want you to think through the answer.

…

…

…

…

Did you say, “God?” That’s right!

God is the ONE who changes us. He is the ONE who holds us accountable. And ultimately, at the end of time, we will all give an account of how we measured up to HIS expectations of us in our lives.

Related Post: The Ancient of Days, Meaning God will Judge: The Way To Forgiveness

So, whether your spouse is acting like it or not… whether he’s walking in his headship or not… there is all this extra pressure that we can’t fix and we can’t see.

And even with all of that… I’m still not responsible for changing him.

I’m not responsible, and I can’t change one thing about my spouse.

I can’t give him my perspective, or show him how big my Jesus loves and forgives. Nor can I convince him that he should love and forgive like Jesus.  Not that I haven’t tried… I have and it’s blown up in my face every single time.

I can NOT change my spouse.

It’s not my job to change my spouse.

It’s God’s job to change my spouse in the same way that it is God’s job to change me.

Oh, hold on. Pause a moment and read that statement again.

The SAME God, through the Holy Spirit who works to move and stir inside of me, works to move and stir inside of my husband. So we can set aside Expectations in a Relationship and Accept our Spouse as they are… Share on X

5. God Changes People Even When We Can’t See It

The SAME God, through the Holy Spirit who works to move and stir inside of me, works to move and stir inside of my husband.

We can’t always see evidence of the change while we are in the process… but HE’s still working.

There are days we can’t see even a glimmer of hope that the Holy Spirit is at work to soften calloused hearts and turn stiff necks… but HE is still working!

I can’t see it. I don’t know what goes on in his mind. It makes acceptance challenging because I don’t know what he’s ignoring that God’s trying to teach.

The Holy Spirit and God work in this mysteriously amazing way… quietly when no one is watching, they change everything.

And here’s the thing, we can trust that God knows how my husband learns and at what speed he can handle learning. God knows and is actively at work! We can trust God to know His own business and be amazing at accomplishing what He begins.

Acceptance in Marriage

So I have to leave changing my husband to God and just deal with my part.

Yep, just where we began this conversation about improving communication in marriage is where we will circle back time and time again.

Speaking of owning my part, did you finish the work from session one yesterday? If not, or if you found this mid-series, follow this link back – don’t worry, I’ll wait for you right here.

Part of accepting my spouse or acceptance in marriage, in general, is owning my part in our marriage issues.

But just focusing on my part – while leaving my husband’s part to God – feels like helpless.  It feels like laying down defeated because there’s nothing I can do.   Is that the truth though?

No! We are not helpless. There is a path forward that will not start a fight or shut our spouse down!

How To Manage Expectations in Marriage To Bring Change

Honestly, I am all about working hard to find a healthy balance of expectations in marriage. Realistic expectations in a relationship can breath new life into every area of your home! But how do we get to that place? How do we manage expectations when in reality your spouse may not be meeting any of your expectations?

Change is critical. Without change… well, the pain is too much to bear over time.

I want him to change.  Can you relate?

How do you stop trying to change your husband and accept him as he is?

How do you deal with unmet needs, wants, and expectations in a relationship in a healthy way?

6. Acknowledge Expectations

To manage expectations in seasons of waiting we have to first be honest about what we expect. I think of this list more like a needs, wants, and expectations in relationships list. What are the things you are trying to change and the reason you want to change these things?

There are things I want to be changed in my husband because I need something or expect something.

• I need love.
• There is a need for romance.
• I long for a real partner to help carry the load in life.
• There is a need for support.
• I dream of true emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy.

What are your expectations in a relationship? Write them down now.

7. Lowering Expectations in a Relationship

You can imagine, I’m sure, that when I expect my husband to be all those things for me, he struggles. He could never be all those things, but when I push him, he shuts down doing even what he is capable of doing. That’s why I suggest to wives that for a season they need to lower their expectations in marriage. Maybe even eliminate them altogether.

This is the hardest part of accepting my husband; setting aside all expectations of him for a season.

You read that right.  All expectations have to be set aside.  Not forever, but for a season.  

Why?

It gives him a moment to breathe. This is a way to say I love you and accept who you are at this moment. He is then able to step into what he is capable of doing without feeling disrespected or challenged.

How do I Have No Expectations in Marriage? 

It’s human to expect things.  In fact, there are at least 3 things you should expect hands down. Fidelity. Honesty. Commitment. *** Apart from that I don’t see a clear Biblical command for all the rest that we desire.

But listen, unmet expectations in marriage are our enemy, especially when talking about acceptance in marriage. 

Setting aside expectations for a season is one of the marriage communication tools that will help us see things more clearly. It helps start the healing of those hurt places… you know, the ones that are causing hurtful words and a breakdown in communication.

We are going to be learning how to deal with unmet expectations as we get into the workshop so look for that.

Related Resource: 10 Simple Marriage Communication Exercises to Help You Reconnect Now

8. Take All Expectations to the LORD

There is one question I am asked most often when talking about how to learn to accept your husband and reset healthy expectations. Why should I have to be the one to set aside marital expectations for this season?

Often, God calls on the one who sees the problem to be the one to begin the work. I don’t know why, I’ve just seen the pattern. It reminds me of how God called out prophets to show the way to the Israelites who were blind to the problems in their relationships.

So who can say why?

Related Post: 15 Bible Verses For Marriage Problems to Help You Find Joy In Your Marriage

9. God Meets All Your Needs

The better question is what happens when you take your expectations to the Lord? What happens when you take your needs, wants, and expectations in a relationship to the Lord?

“And my God will supply all your needs all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19 NASB)

God can meet those expectations so much better than my husband ever could. 

That’s right, God can meet every need, want, and expectation in a relationship.

God can come into my need – every single need- and meet it exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine. He comes into my lack and pours out all I needed to overflowing. 

10. What Happens to You When You Let God Meet Your Needs?

So when I take my expectations to the Lord rather than to my husband for a season, it creates this beautiful momentum. I am full, all my needs, wants, and expectations in a relationship being met by God. So from my fullness, I can love and respect my husband better.

What? It can’t be that simple can it? Oh, but it is. You see, before taking my expectations to the Lord I was communicating with my husband from my lack. It came out as nagging, whining, complaining, bitterness, and resentment.

Now that I am full, I communicate with my spouse from my fullness. It comes out as love, respect, and acceptance because I need nothing from him to be satisfied and fulfilled.

Because I do not need anything from my husband, I am able to accept who he is at this moment. I don’t need him to change to satisfy some unmet needs in myself.

Then I can love my husband – accepting him for who he is.

Related Post: A Wife’s True Story: Knowing The Importance of Forgiveness in Marriage Leads To Blessing

11. Your Spouse Has Needs Wants and Expectations in a Relationship as Well

All those things on my list of expectations were examples of high expectations in a relationship. The problem is that when the paths of communication are down, my husband is in survival mode.  You see, I was asking him to be my everything and he – realizing he could never be my everything – was just trying to survive our marriage.

But, he also has needs.

Pause for dramatic effect… Your spouse has needs and wants and expectations as well!

If your spouse is like mine, he is more than likely trying to avoid drama.  He puts up a wall to defend himself, shuts down, and shuts out everyone he feels is a threat.  A lot of times I am that threat.

He has needs, but he won’t even bring them up because he’s in survival mode.

A Hurting Spouse Will Not Change

In shutdown mode, with a 50-foot wall up, anything I say will start a fight. Any expectation laid at his feet will send him over the edge. 

Now, there are reasonable expectations a wife should have of her husband, but for today, let’s set aside anything that will set off that man’s defenses.

When I start trying to change him, what’s he going to do?  He’s going to fight against me because I’m the one right there in front of him.  That is a needless conflict in marriage.

We’ll be touching on conflict resolution and how to talk about expectations in a relationship in the full Marriage Communication Workshop.

He’s not thinking about changing. He is thinking about how to survive. This is counter-productive, right?

12. What Happens to Your Spouse When You Let God Meet Your Needs?

You have needs and wants. Your spouse has needs and wants. You both bring goals and expectations into the relationship. There is NOTHING wrong with healthy expectations in a relationship. But often we have unrealistic goals and unrealistic expectations in a relationship instead.

Our unrealistic goals stop acceptance and love. We need change. Taking our expectations, needs, wants, and desires to the LORD is how we find healing and satisfaction. Really, Jesus is the only ONE who can satisfy us anyway.

And when we are full and fulfilled in the Lord, we are able to pour out love and respect to our spouse, helping to meet some of their needs. Ultimately, they also need to take those needs to the LORD because we can never be their everything… but sometimes God uses our testimony to prompt that change in them.. and other times He uses something else… but we have to start somewhere right?

Regardless, the change in us will help create momentum toward real change in our relationship!

How To TakeYour Needs and Expectations to God

Today I want to challenge you to take your needs, wants, and expectations to the LORD. How? Make a list of unmet expectations in marriage.  Write them out in a notebook or in a prayer journal. 

While Bud and I were in marriage counseling we learned that journaling those things helped us see the growth later (I challenge you to try it).

13. Realistic Expectations in a Relationship Start With Vulnerability

This starts with prayer. You must come to Jesus raw and vulnerable.

Beg Him to fill you afresh today with everything you need. 

He promises that we can come to him and ask Him, and He will provide.

“Give us this day our daily bread.” (Matthew 6:11 NASB)

We can ask and He will give us good gifts, right?

“So if you, despite being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:11 NASB)

14. Remember God Cares About You

God loves us unconditionally and He sees every need that’s not being met. 

“having cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares about you.” (1 Peter 5:7 NASB)

He tells us that we can come and cast our cares upon Him. Why?  Because He cares for you.  He cares for me.  He cares about those needs.  You are a child of the Most High God, the King of kings.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ” (Ephesians 1:3 NASB)

The Creator of the universe loves you and will bless you with everything He possesses in the Heavenly realm where you are seated with Him already.

Every Spiritual blessing.

15. A Prayer About Expectations in a Relationship

And so we have to come to Him and say;

Father, here’s my messy life, every expectation I have, every need I have.

I need someone to love me, help me raise these children, support me, and encourage me. Also, I need financial security, I need someone to help me take care of the needs of the house. Intimacy and sexual fulfillment, are needs I have. I need a partner who gets what I’m saying, someone who understands me who… Fill in the blank with whatever those needs are…

And these needs are not being met, God. I’m angry about these unmet expectations and I’m hurt about it and I feel hopeless.  I see nothing changing there, please help me.  Please meet every need. Please be my husband in this season.

Lord, there are days It feels like everything that is love or respect or anything else in my marriage has died. I feel like I have been abandoned… like I am a widow.  It feels like this is an unhappy marriage and I need you.  I need you to take this and to hold onto me and to be my everything.  I don’t know how to fix a marriage, Lord, but You do. So I surrender this to you today and look forward to the day this is a happy marriage, a successful marriage.

Amen.

And God does all of that and more.

How To Set Aside Expectations And Re-learn Acceptance in Marriage

On the one hand, we need to set aside expectations in a relationship for a season to create space for healing and growth. On the other hand, however, dealing with expectations alone is not enough. It’s not enough to just set aside expectations, you need to accept who your spouse is right now.

I don’t mean just tolerate them, put up with them, coexist with them, or be roommates with benefits. That is not the way to a healthy marriage but to misery.

What is acceptance then?

What is Acceptance in Marriage?

Acceptance is about really seeing the person your spouse is today and being okay with them while God is changing the hard parts. It is about admitting that you are a sinner and a hot mess just like they are.

Accepting my spouse requires me to be honest about their mess and my mess and be okay that we are both imperfect.

16. Expectations in A Relationship Lists

Today I want you to take a good long hard look at your partner as they are right now and make a list. Haha, are you seeing a theme?

Part of acceptance requires us to stop living in denial about things. To face things head-on we must take the time to be honest about them and write them down. Writing them down removes any chance of denial.

List the things you want to change in your partner.  These will be the things you correct them about, the things you think you could never accept them. Here are some from my list.

• He leaves shaved facial hair all over the bathroom sink.
• His course attitude.
• Brings home scads of candy for no good reason.
• Gambling.
• He dries my dress clothes and bras.
• The way that he talks down to my children.
• Disrespect me in front of them.
• He hates yard work.
• He waits until things are beyond repair before attempting to fix the house.
• Throws wet towels on the wood floor.
• Quits a job for no good reason with nothing to fall back on.
• Seems oblivious to my needs while constantly reminding me of his needs.
• Has little interest in Spiritual things.
• Doesn’t prioritize relationships.
• Obseses over the negative side of everything.
• Criticizes everyone.

These are things that I can’t change in my husband.

17. Give Your Partner The Same Grace You Give Yourself

Remember it takes two to make or break a marriage. Grace goes a long way toward making a successful relationship!

Now let’s be fair, I know that if he were to sit across from a counselor (and we have) and be super honest he would have a whole list of things that he wants to change about me.  After a couple of decades, it just happens.

An important part of acceptance is remembering there are two of us in this relationship. We both have expectations. We both have needs. Probably, we have both hurt each other. We both have sin struggles and areas of selfishness.

Most of the time we give ourselves a lot of grace over our own mess while expecting perfection from our spouse. It is important to own our part or deal with accountability vs blame in a relationship!

Make Your List

For today we are just making the list.  In a couple of days we will use this list to create a unique, detailed prayer plan, so don’t skip this part.

As we end our time today let’s pray.

Lord, no one is perfect.  I do not kneel before you claiming I am without sin or flaw.  Forgive me for acting that way at times. Give me eyes to see my husband as you see him.  Help me love my husband as you love him.  Teach me how to accept him – as he is – and leave any changes that need to take place in your capable hands.

Thank you for caring for me.  Thank you for being more than enough for my every need.  Help me turn to you as I work on my part. When I want to lash out at my husband wishing he would work on his part in a way I could see, remind me that YOu are still working.

I am believing You to do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever ask for or imagine in this marriage (Ephesians 3:20).

Amen

How Will You Deal With Expectations in a Relationship To Accept Your Spouse?

So here we are, having a talk no one would have believed we would ever need about how to accept our spouse… the one we swore we would love and adore forever… now we can barely look at them when we tell them about the plans for tomorrow.

But, acceptance in marriage is key to growing healthy, effective communication in marriage. Learning how to establish healthy, realistic expectations in a relationship can help you re-learn how to accept your spouse.

How do we set aside expectations and begin getting back to the first things in marriage; love and acceptance?

Remember the 17 ways to deal with expectations in a relationship we discussed here. When you begin to work through the list you will be able to accept your spouse and have healthy communication!

1. Acceptance starts with NO expectations.
2. Know what the Bible says.
3. Understand God’s expectations.
4. Understand who holds us accountable for God’s expectations.
5. Remind yourself that God is always working to change us.
6. Acknowledge the expectations you have.
7. Lower your expectations to create momentum.
8. Take your expectations to the LORD.
9. Cement the fact that God meets all your needs in your heart.
10. See what happens when God meets your needs.
11. Acknowledge that your spouse has needs and expectations.
12. See what happens to your spouse when you let God meet all your needs.
13. Be vulnerable.
14. Remember God cares for you and all you care about.
15. Pray about your expectations.
16. Make a list.
17. Give grace.

Did you pause and make a list? That will be important as we work our way through the topic of improving communication in marriage.

In HIS love,

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