Can I share my heart with you today instead of a devotional? My heart is heavy… broken… The question I’ve been wrestling with for months is painful to say out loud. When all hope is lost in marriage, what can you do?
I’m asking the question.
Me, the Jesus girl who shouts that there is always hope… That you can find joy in any situation when you keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.
I firmly believe that. It has held me together through the most painful traumas in life.
But here I am… again… asking how to walk this road.
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How Do You Know When All Hope Is Lost?
For years I’ve written to encourage you as the Lord has encouraged me in my own difficult marriage. When all hope is lost, I look to God for strength. He has always met me with more than I ever asked or imagined. Always.
This season is no different, except that there is no hope mixed in with the Lord’s provision. No hope at all.
Hope feels like warmth as I think through a situation. Warmth and peace are how I know I have hope by the hand.
Instead of warmth, now, I am filled with anguish and pain.
It hurts to think through what is broken in our marriage. It hurts to think through the years of tears and prayers poured into a love I expected to last a lifetime…
When all hope is lost it feels like grief.
When All Hope Is Lost In Marriage: Keep Hoping Share on XGrief of a Marriage
When he left I was in shock.
He left.
He didn’t fight with me or plead or make false promises. There was no fight in him. What does that mean for us?
The grief crashed into me bringing a foggy swamp that kept my mind spinning and my legs stuck.
I recognized the grief from losing my parents. It felt just the same as if someone had died because something was dying.
Marriage is a covenant where two become one flesh. A new person grows from the union and neither are ever the same. But when your other half wont fight for you, for what you had together, that new person inside of you dies a little.
The grief was for that person, for my best friend who abandoned me, for the dreams we shared, for the plans we made, for the family we were raising together who will forever be changed.
Grief is painful.
Looking Back
But when the fog began to clear I was able to look back and see the signs I had missed.
He was struggling and nothing helped. At some point I became an enabler and stopped fighting the real fight.
I did all the things that have always worked before.
- Praying about it instead of complaining about it.
- Adding Scripture for powerful, strategic prayer.
- Fasting over it.
- Forgiving and being honest about the hard parts.
- Difficult conversations.
- Setting boundaries.
- Affirming him.
- Working to be submissive and respectful.
But looking back I can see that he needed something more… something I could never give him. He needed the help of another godly man to identify some areas and mentor him.
Sometimes, when all hope is lost, it’s because hope doesn’t come from us…
Slow Down When All Hope Is Lost
At first I was overcome with fear.
I have been divorced once and the pain from that is still fresh. Divorce tears you apart… which is understandable as you had become one flesh with your spouse and now you are separating back into two. It is a soul deep kind of hurt.
Fear of divorce was a real presence based on a real experience.
As I poured that out to the Lord, I felt Him saying to go slowly and just keep my eyes on Him. He had whispered the word, “Wait,” to me several years back and just last year renewed that word.
Wait on the Lord.
Related Post: 50+ Waiting On The Lord Verses To Bring Hope
How Do You Wait On The Lord When All Hope Is Lost?
He has been shifting my perspective about waiting in this season. I am not waiting FOR God to do anything in particular (though I am asking Him to provide and protect and renew and restore our family). Instead, I am simply waiting IN Him, in His presence while He does whatever He is going to do.
Talk about a shift!
For months now I have been studying every instance in Scripture where someone is waiting or is instructed to wait on the Lord. It has been eye opening. What I am learning is deep and simple at the same time.
God is the one at work. It is my job to be still in His presence and do only what He says, when He says, how He says.
Simple right? But so deep.
Waiting in the Lord is slow.
Related Post: Stop Growing Weary By Setting Godly Boundaries: Wait On The Lord
What If God Doesn’t Fix It?
Marriage is about two people loving through the hard parts, living in the shared joy of companionship, and walking in unity toward a dream of forever.
Two people.
When marriage is hard or seasons are difficult, some of the weight falls to just one at times.
I tell you all the time that you can find hope and joy in any season of marriage… even if you are the only one fighting for your marriage…
That hope and joy is found in the Lord, in growing to be a person who pleases Him regardless of what your spouse is or isn’t doing.
You can find hope and joy alone working toward growing in faith.
And in those times, many times, God fixes things for you. I’ve seen Him do it so many times now that I can say it even as I wonder if He will fix my marriage again. He can fix anything when one is surrendered to do the work His way.
But He doesn’t always fix it… I’ve seen that too…
God Doesn’t Force Anyone
Marriage takes two people. For a difficult marriage or a destructive or dysfunctional marriage to be healed, both people need to be willing to change.
If one is willing, slowly over time, often the other is wooed to also want change.
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” (1 Peter 3:1-2 NIV)
Peter tells us that wooing could even lead to the salvation of a lost spouse. Beautiful! I’ve seen it happen!!!!
But I’ve also seen it turn the other spouses heart cold and turn them away.
God is relationship-driven and relationships require two parties. He never forces people to His will. Instead, He lovingly invites us into the adventure of knowing Him, following Him and living His way.
What if my spouse refuses the invitation? Leaving implies a refusal…
Relationships Don’t Follow A Straight Line
As true as it is that God doesn’t force our obedience or surrender, It is also true that our path to Him isn’t straight or predictable or like anyone else’s path.
Who is to say what God is or isn’t fixing? I can’t see the change. I don’t see any movement toward healing or restoration. There are lots of words with little to no action at this point.
But no movement doesn’t mean God is not working. God’s ways are slow and crazy looking to me (anyone else?).
If God said to wait and go slowly, I must trust that He has a plan. I don’t have to know what that plan is to trust Him and wait. I don’t have to know what I am waiting for Him to do. All there is to do in this season is slow down and wait.
Waiting Hurts When All Hope Is Lost
I can say all of those things as one believer who longs to see another believer restored and healed and growing. But as the wife of that believer… the one who left us… it hurts.
He left me to be a single mom of two teenage girls, one with special needs.
He left me with a mortgage that keeps going up and a car that doesn’t have much life left.
We had dreams of breaking the legacy of divorce. We had dreams of our children growing up in a safe home, fully loved and provided for… to start a new legacy.
It hurts.
Forgiveness is a daily process – ironic as I am about to publish a study on Real Forgiveness*!
He left me and I don’t have much hope that all the damage done by that single choice can be undone…
Community
What can you do when all hope is lost in marriage?
I turned to community.
“And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12 NASB)
Our church has come around our family like the arms of the Lord. They pray for us, encourage us, support us and have been there to help me find a new path forward.
Our pastor and elders are helping both of us figure out how to do this in a godly way. They have been amazing.
There have been people to help me fix things I couldn’t fix alone. There are families who have stepped in when we’ve had emergencies.
I couldn’t do this without the community God placed around me.
Prayer and Fasting
It will not shock you to hear me say that prayer and fasting have helped bring clarity and peace in this traumatic season.
Prayer is about talking with the Lord. That is the only adult in my life right now and we are talking a lot.
However, I had to be intentional in the beginning to not turn to entertainment or anything else to numb the pain. Years of grief done wrong have taught me I have to feel the feelings and the feelings will not kill me.
Let me say that again.
The feelings will not kill you. Don’t numb them, feel them with the Lord!
It has brought much healing in the process. Fasting from what numbs me helped me be intentional about the healing.
Clearity
Fasting and prayer have also brought clarity and direction in my prayers.
I am NOT praying for God to restore my marriage at the expense of all else. He showed me how I had set my marriage up as an idol, in fear of divorce, allowing sin to go unchecked.
Instead, I am praying for my husband to find healing, to break free from the fear that keeps him stuck, and to be brought to real repentance that leads to lasting change. I long for my husband to be healed and growing as a man of God.
Will that happen in a timely way that allows our marriage to be restored?
I don’t know. My goal can’t be my own happiness or dreams at the expense of my brother in Christ’s real needs. He needs this. His children need this for him.
If we reconciled right now, with no change, in a few years we’ll be right back here again. Change must happen.
Change takes time.
Can I wait for his change? Today I can. I trust that the Lord will direct me if that needs to be different.
Biblical Divorce When All Hope Is Lose
The knee jerk reaction to all that has happened is to file for divorce just to end the pain. I don’t believe that is the right first step.
That’s hard to say.
The pain is hard. It feels like divorce would stop the pain… but I’ve lived that out and know it is a lie from the enemy.
Divorce brings a different type of pain. Also, divorce is not always the answer that leads to change and healing.
Having said that, sometimes divorce is the answer. There are situations and circumstances where divorce is biblical.
Related: 7 Biblical Reasons For Divorce And Practical Steps For Each
But not as a first step.
First Steps Before Considering Divorce
First, we have to do the things God says… those are all the things I teach.
- Love well.
- Forgive easily.
- Clarify desires and preferences.
- Fix your words.
- Respect firmly.
- Submit clearly.
- Set your priorities straight.
- Understand each other.
- Have difficult conversations.
- Set clear boundaries.
These are clear Scriptural mandates about doing life and marriage together.
When these things are right in your life, and things don’t change, you have a clear conscience before the Lord.
When all hope is lost, but you were doing the right things, the enemy doesn’t have a foothold or guilt or shame to drag you down.
It matters to get the first things right.
If The First Steps Don’t Work…
Once those things are in place, if things are not changing, you get council and accountability.
A time of separation may be necessary. Why? Separation sends a clear message when all other boundaries have failed to produce change.
Related: Biblical Separation in Marriage: Finding Hope
Boundaries are not meant to force change, only to highlight areas where if change doesn’t happen, relationship can not happen. Separation when change didn’t happen is a clear consequence of relationship damage caused by lack of change.
Many times, separation brings real change when both parties genuinely want restoration. Other times, separation shows where a heart has grown cold or quit on the relationship.
If the separation does not produce change, then and only then should you consider divorce… sowely
Why go this slowly?
Staying In God’s Will
It may sound absolutely crazy, but I want to stay in God’s will even if it’s hard and hurts. I want to do things His way.
I lived decades doing things my way, led by my feelings and fears and I still live with consequences for those choices.
God’s way is always best. God’s will is always best. I don’t want to take a step outside of His will for my life. I want His best.
By going slowly I am listening for His direction. I refuse to make a choice based on my fears or feelings because I know I will get it wrong and hurt others in the process.
So I wait and I pray. In the process I will praise the Lord because He is good. This isn’t good, it hurts, but He is good.
In the waiting, God has been so faithful. In many ways, He is acting toward me like a husband; providing supernaturally, empowering where I am weak, protecting our girls… He has even sent lavishly loving surprises to me.
When All Hope Is Lost… Keep Hoping
My flesh wants to rush and make plans and move forward quickly… but that won’t bring the long lasting change I desire.
So I will wait in Him. I will praise Him through the trials. When I feel helpless I will remember what He has done in the past and who He is forever and I will keep waiting until He says to move.
When all hope is lost in the way my flesh wants to feel hope – all warm and peaceful – I will choose to continue to hope against all odds.
I am not hoping for a restored marriage really (though faithful prayer warriors are holding that hope alive for us). Instead I am hoping in the Lord to bring us through this trial… stronger, more mature and without destroying our testimony in the process.
I hope by waiting on God to do whatever He wants to do.
Whatever that is will be well worth the waiting… well worth the hope when all hope is lost… well worth the fearless faith in my faithful God.
Where does this find you?
Does it feel like all hope is lost in your situation as well?
Will you wait in faith and hope with me as you expect God to move in your situation?
He is faithful. We can trust Him.
It will probably look completely different than you can imagine by the end, but it will be the best way forward because His heart is for you in love.
You can trust His heart!
in His Love,
Tiffany of Hope Joy in Christ inspires Christian Women to grow in faith, live out Biblical Marriage Principles and raise Godly Children. Join the Wives Only Facebook Group here or keep up with her through Pinterest.
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