Is there ever a justification for separation in marriage? No, let’s take the question a step further. Is there such a thing as a biblical separation in marriage? Today starts a series exploring all that accompanies this painful topic.
Before We Can Discuss a Biblical Separation in Marriage
I am a Christian and I am married…
My Christian marriage has been difficult from day one. In fact, it is the basis for much of what I write about here at Hope Joy in Christ. I can’t tell you how to be happy in marriage or how to divorce-proof your marriage. I can’t tell you those things because that’s not my story. My story is finding hope and joy in Christ through any season of life and marriage. That is what the Lord has taught me over the past two decades within this broken marriage.
Today, unexpectedly, our family is in crisis because of separation.
I teach believers how to fight for their faith, and how to mature and trust in the Lord when life is hard. In marriage, I teach Christians to love well, forgive easily, and communicate intentionally all with the Holy Spirit empowering them.
We work through strategic prayer and godly boundaries together. We’ve talked about boundaries and rebuilding trust, as well as the issues that give you Biblical grounds for divorce. But through every conversation, I’ve encouraged you to keep hope alive, to fight for your marriage, and to trust that God can do the miraculous.
But, what can a Christian do, if, after all of that, their marriage isn’t fixed? This is where biblical separation in marriage comes into play.
- 1 Corinthians 13 Love: Free Bible Study On Love In Marriage
- Free Bible Study On Forgiveness and Reconciliation: 10 Steps
- Marriage Communication Workshop
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- How Good Boundaries Provide Hope for a Broken Marriage
- How To Trust in the Lord When It Is Hard
What Is Separation in Marriage?
Many times, a Biblical separation happens when there is broken trust in marriage.
When there are sin issues within marriage that break trust or endanger anyone, it is best to separate for a time. In some cases, this is just a temporary situation to allow both parties to get help and start to heal as they work toward rebuilding trust.
A separation keeps everyone safe and establishes a harder boundary that can not be misunderstood. A separation also forces everyone to look at the situation through fresh eyes. It says to your spouse, this is serious to me and if we can’t work through it, it could lead to divorce.
There are situations and circumstances where our words just don’t communicate this message clearly and so we must separate to be kind and clear.
Related Post: Separation As An Act Of Love
When Should You Separate in Marriage?
We’ve talked at length about divorce in the Bible. so, what does god say about separation in marriage? Some of the more notable actions that break trust and lead to Christian separation in marriage are:
- Adultery.
- Physical and virtual Infidelity
- Emotional affairs
- Treachery.
- Repeated, unrepentant, or intentional wrong.
- Abandonment.
- Scripture points to an unbeliever who chooses to leave, but anyone who leaves and does not want to honestly work on the relationship has abandoned the marriage.
- Unequally yoked and problematic.
- The Bible speaks to a lack of peace between an unequally yoked couple as grounds for divorce.
- A mismatch of faith can lead a spouse away from the Lord (is why I think this is mentioned in Scripture).
- Abuse.
- Physical abuse to you or your kids.
- Verbal abuse to you or your kids.
- Emotional abuse to you or your kids.
- Any other kind of abuse
- Addiction.
- Addiction hurts everyone involved and often leads to one of the areas mentioned above.
- Separation can help the addict see that their behavior is hurting their family and prompt change.
Related: 7 Biblical Reasons For Divorce And Practical Steps For Each
How to Decide on Separation or Divorce in Marriage?
The choice to separate should not be taken lightly. The goal is marital reconciliation and a healthier, more intimate relationship that just isn’t possible in the current situation.
How do you start the process of separation? You should never separate out of spite or anger. Separation in marriage is a serious step to be used after all other steps have been worked through without success.
What other steps?
Strategic prayer coupled with difficult conversations should happen first. Be sure your spouse understands what is happening and the harm it is causing the family.
You should work with a counselor to establish and enforce clear boundaries. This is personal counseling as marriage counseling is not accepted by the offending spouse.
The Bible also recommends involving a counselor, bringing the issue to witnesses, and then the church. In our culture, this would mean having a conversation with your pastor and the elders of your church. Sometimes, just the thought of others knowing about the problem is enough to prompt change.
If after much prayer, and clear conversations, the established boundaries are broken, you are in a place to consider a separation in marriage. By now you are working with a counselor, and wise godly people are involved who can help you navigate this difficult situation.
Related Post: Saving a Marriage Through Separation
What is the Purpose of Separation in Marriage?
Why separate? The purpose of a biblical separation in marriage is to keep everyone safe and prompt change.
Is separation healthy for marriage? The discomfort of separation can be enough to motivate real, lasting change in some people. The boundary of distance can be enough to keep your heart and body safe while you both work on the broken pieces of your relationship.
Separation in marriage is intended to be a short-term tool to foster an environment where forgiveness, healing, and restoration through reestablished trust can grow.
The purpose of separation in a Christian marriage is to give you both the space you need to do the hard work needed to restore your family to a more healthy condition.
Related Post: Scripture Support For Separation From Destructive Spouse
Biblical Separation in Marriage: Finding Hope in the midst of the pain. Share on XDoes Separation in Marriage Work?
I’ve been privileged to work with hundreds of spouses over the years who have done the work, trusted the Lord, and still had to make the difficult choice to separate from their spouse. In many cases, after a time, their spouse chooses to do the work to restore their marriage. We celebrate those beautiful pictures of God’s restoration!
Stories of Reconciliation After Separation: Is There Hope for My Marriage After Separation? Hope for the Separated from My Story
However, in some cases, the separation did not lead to restoration. Why? The spouse didn’t choose change, they didn’t agree that their behavior was problematic, or they were just looking for a way out. In some cases, the damage done was more than they could both heal from, forgive, and repair.
What Makes The Separation in Marriage Successful or Not?
When the process is unrushed and both parties are willing to do the work, separation in marriage can be successful. The sooner both parties begin the work, the higher the level of success.
Other times, however, the process is rushed (from financial difficulty, loneliness, or guilt/manipulation) and things don’t end well. There isn’t enough time to re-establish trust, boundaries are not seriously enforced, and there is a temporary reconciliation only to have a repeat of the hurt. When this happens, the next separation often leads to divorce.
For separation to effectively end with a healed and healthy marriage, you need two people willing to do whatever it takes to make things right.
What Is Your Part in The Separation?
Are you wondering how to handle separation in marraige? Here is where things get hard and trust in the Lord is the only way through. Your part is to do the work you must do and to trust the Lord with your spouse.
You can’t change anyone. They must decide to do the work. God, through the Holy Spirit will prompt, but even He doesn’t force anyone to change. Instead, He patiently knocks, waiting for the door to be opened. I think of Him as a gentleman who never pushes in, but waits to be invited.
Separation is not a way to force change, it is rather an invitation to healing and hope.
You can work on yourself and pray for your spouse. You have to leave the rest up to the Lord.
Through counseling or mediation, there will be steps laid out. Work on the steps assigned to you and pray for your spouse to truly do their work as well.
Separation in marriage is about waiting in faith. It takes a brave trust to believe that the Lord will work out healing and restoration.
The Results of Separation in Marriage
How will you know when to end the separation?
The goal of the separation is healing which leads to change. You will know healing has occurred when you see believable change, repeated over time.
When you see believable change, then you test that change and give it time to prove genuine. If it proves genuine, you begin the process of reconciliation. Date your spouse again. Spend more and more time together. When everyone agrees it is safe to come back together as a family.
What is Believable Change?
Believable change is more than words. Many times, a spouse will feel the discomfort of separation and suddenly begin to say all the right things. They are sorry, they were wrong, they want to work on things, they are trying, and so on.
By the time you are at the step of separation, words are not proof of change. Words cost them nothing and prove nothing.
Clearly communicate this to your spouse along the way as they insist on bombarding you with words. Words will not be enough to end the separation.
Believable change will look like actions, seeking help or joining a program and actually working through the steps, seeking out your welfare, finding ways to make restitution to you and your family, and thinking outside of themselves. You are looking for changed behavior. Only you, in your situation will know what that means for you and your spouse.
Repeated Over How Much Time?
If both parties are actively, believably changing their behavior, seeking help, and doing the work of reconciliation the separation could be over quickly. Often it takes at least 30-days, and more often it takes much longer.
When only one spouse is working toward reconciliation or when there is deep hurt, it could take much more time than you imagined at the onset.
Whatever event triggered the need to move toward a separation in marriage was probably big and painful. The separation was necessary to protect yourself and make the point that things must change.
The discomfort of the separation prompts prayer in the same way fasting prompts prayer and through that the Lord will reveal many things that need to be addressed. Depending on how much needs to be worked through, the separation could be lengthy.
You will know when the change is real because you know your spouse. Time and testing will prove if the change is lasting. This requires patience. Remember, rushed reconciliation often leads to repeated separation and divorce. Go slowly. Some statistics show that a healthy separation leading to marital reconciliation can take up to two years. Be patient.
How To Know When The Separation Isn’t Working
Honestly, if you are asking if the separation is working, it probably isn’t going well. Statistically, about 80% of couples who separate eventually divorce… often for the reasons listed above. How can you be sure it isn’t working?
If only one spouse is working on things, the separation will lead to divorce because it takes two parties to repair a relationship.
When there are only words and no change in behavior, the separation will lead to divorce because it takes changed behavior to repair a relationship.
If communication has broken down or stopped, and the help of a counselor or pastor can’t restore it, the separation will lead to divorce because you can’t heal if you can’t communicate.
Rules of Separation in Marriage
Perhaps the separation isn’t working because you haven’t set clear expectations and clear boundaries. There are some rules that will help make the separation more successful.
- Seek council and accountability right away.
- Talk openly about finances.
- Look at this as temporary but neccissary.
- Discuss property needed.
- Make arrangements for children.
- Talk often about expectations, progress, and needs.
- Stay in the faith community and grow in faith.
For financial reasons a trial separation in the same house may seem best, but it can lead to more frustration. You both need space to work on the issues at hand and close proximity can make boundaries difficult to enforce.
While a physical separation seems harsh, it is often more successful because it makes a clear statemnt about boundaries and expactations and it forces the discomfort factor needed to motivate change.
Trial Separation Checklist
In my experience, a separation is rarely mutually agreed upon or well-planned. Rarely. Often, the issue that prompts one spouse to suggest separation is so intense that you must move forward quickly. That can result in unclear goals, boundaries, and expectations.
When I saw the idea of a trial separation checklist, however, it struck me as helpful. If you can discuss it before the separation, great. If not, as soon as you are able to clearly, kindly, and respectfully communicate with your spouse this can help.
Things to talk about:
- Financial responcibilities.
- Parenting responcibiblities.
- Property separation to help both during the trial separation.
- Legal paperwork that needs to be copied.
- Councelors to contact.
- Short term goals of the separation.
- Long term goals for the family.
- Personal growth needed.
- Faith growth needed.
- A list from both, of things that work and do not work in the relationship.
These things can help both parties think through the situation and have real goals to work toward.
Finding Hope Through Separation in Marriage
You may have noticed a lack of Scripture in this article. That is very unusual for me, but I wanted to keep the piece short and give practical words. This is, however, the first in a series on separation in marriage. I will tackle separation in marriage in the Bible next to give us a clear biblical footing.
Why am I taking this topic slowly? While I have counseled many through the process of separation, restoration, and sometimes divorce in marriage, this is personal.
My husband and I are separated in this season for something I never imagined stepping into our story. As we walk through the process, slowly, and intentionally, I will share what is working and what is not working… as well as where I am finding hope.
You will notice I am also writing about waiting on the Lord and the ways the Lord provides. That is where I am. I pray these series encourage you this year in whatever season this finds you.
in HIS love,
Tiffany of Hope Joy in Christ inspires Christian Women to grow in faith, live out Biblical Marriage Principles and raise Godly Children. Join the Wives Only Facebook Group here or keep up with her through Pinterest.
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