Expectations in marriage kill love. In my mind, I know that. 100% true. In my heart, however, I don’t believe it is possible to live without expectations.
The struggle with what I expect in marriage… in a Christian marriage… is at the heart of some of our more hopeless struggles. Who else?
What Does the Bible Say About Expectations In Marriage?
To understand Biblical expectations in marriage we need to see what Scripture clearly says about marriage and husbands and wives. If we don’t begin from a Biblical basis, this discussion could go off the rails quickly. We need the Lord’s perspective to help us shift our perspective.
What does the Lord clearly say about a Christian marriage?
- Two shall become one flesh.
- Love, submission, and respect are Biblical expectations.
- Husbands are to be:
- Loving
- Gentle
- Understanding
- Providers
- Sexual intimacy can be expected to be:
- Frequent
- Loving
- Gentle
- Understanding
- Bring pleasure to both.
- Wives are to be:
- Mentors to young wives.
- Trustworthy
- Not quarrelsome
- Not argumentative.
- Not easily offended.
- Quick to forgive.
- Quick to recognize and deal with bitterness and resentment.
The Two Shall Become One Flesh
There is a real expectation that in marriage, there will be three parties represented. The Lord, husband, and wife are the only ones whose opinions matter in any issue that comes up.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24 ESV)
Related Post: 4 Ways To Live Out And The Two Shall Become One Flesh
Love, Submission, and Respect
Husbands are to love their wives in a sacrificial way. Wives are to submit to or respect their husbands.
“…submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ…
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord…
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church…
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:21-33 ESV)
I love that Peter takes the idea of love, respect, and submission further. We need to understand the why when expectations from the Lord are hard or seem outdated. Right?
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,…
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (1 Peter 3:1-7 ESV)
Why must wives submit to or respect their husbands? He could be saved or compelled to grow in his faith by witnessing your testimony day in and day out.
Notice, however, that this applies to husbands… not boyfriends. (Nowhere does the Bible tell you to pick a good guy and win him to the Lord while dating… in fact, it says not to be unequally yoked – so cut that out!)
Why must husbands love their wives and show them honor? The opposite is just ungodly and blocks your prayers.
Specific Biblical Expectations of a Husband
The command for husbands to love their wives is repeated many times. The Lord also reminds them to act like humans and be gentle with them… because that shows you love people.
“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” (Colossians 3:19 ESV)
Husbands are also called to provide for their families. This refers to wives, children, and aging parents. I find it interesting that provision is among the Biblical expectations of a husband. It speaks to a woman’s need for security.
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (1 Timothy 5:8 ESV)
Related Post: To the Wife Who Needs Security in a Christian Marriage
Sexual Expectations
This idea of sexual expectations in marriage might be controversial. Remember, this is the Word of God, not my word. What does the Lord expect from us concerning sexual intimacy in marriage?
“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband… Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:2-5 ESV)
Do not neglect each other’s sexual needs. Earlier in the text Paul says the husband’s body belongs to his wife and her body belongs to her husband. This implies that the blessing of sexual pleasure within the marriage relationship applies to both the husband and the wife.
Couple this with the previous expectations and we see that in marriage there should be frequent sexual intimacy where both are behaving in a loving, gentle, understanding way to bring pleasure and ward off temptation from the enemy. Both.
Specific Expectations for Wives
The specific expectations listed for wives are interesting.
- Wives should be mentoring younger wives to love well and submit.
“And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” (Titus 2:4-5 ESV)
2. Wives must be trustworthy.
“The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:11-12 ESV)
3. Wives must not be quarrelsome (eager to argue or easily offended and filled with bitterness or resentment from unforgiveness).
“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” (Proverbs 21:9 ESV)
“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” (Proverbs 21:19 ESV)
Biblical Expectations
Okay, now, before you freak out because that feels like too much or it’s too hard to follow, I will create and share an “expectations in marriage worksheet” to help you keep this all straight!
- In-laws, family, and friends have no say in anyone else’s marriage.
- God is at the center of the marriage
- There is oneness or unity in marriage
- Husbands love their wives
- Wives submit to and respect their husbands
- Husbands be gentle with their wives
- Husbands provide for their family
- Wives not quarrelsome (eager to argue or easily offended and filled with bitterness or resentment from unforgiveness)
- Wives must be trustworthy
- Wives should be mentoring younger wives
- Both engage in frequent sexual intimacy behaving in a loving, gentle, understanding way to bring pleasure and ward off temptation
What Are Common Expectations in Marriage?
Now that we understand what the Bible says about expectations, I wonder if you feel just as deflated as I do. Those are the expectations? Seriously?
If we were honest, most of us would list a different set of what we believe are realistic marriage expectations. My expectations in marriage list:
- Unconditional love
- Mutual respect
- Emotional intimacy
- Emotional safety
- Open communication
- Respectful conflict-resolution
- Consistent affection and physical intimacy
- Unconditional support and unity
- Compromise and flexibility
- Shared interests, values, and life goals
- Quality time and being a high priority
- Financial responsibility and partnership
- Sharing household responsibilities
- Partnership with parenting
- Commitment to growth
Marriage Expectations Vs Reality
The truth is that if there was a single person who could meet all of the things on that list, they would be perfect.
Only one perfect person ever walked this earth and I am not married to HIM. On the other hand, I also am not that perfect person. Why do I expect my husband to be perfect like Jesus when I certainly am not?
Marriage is a messy lifetime of uniting two sinful humans. We fall short. We hurt each other. Neither of us is perfect.
So… why are there so many expectations? How can we sort through them all and focus on the healthy, realistic, Biblical expectations?
Ditch Hollywood Romance and Cultural Norms
A HUGE part of my problem (I won’t speak for you) is that I grew up with books and movies portraying fairytale romance. That’s not realistic or healthy when you think about it from a Biblical perspective.
A girl needs a guy to be her everything… sounds like idolatry. A girl needs a guy to rescue her from disaster… that’s the Lord’s job.
Or to follow the more recent themes; a girl doesn’t need anyone to be her anything… that’s pride and self-righteousness. A girl needs to follow her own heart and a guy should just support her and step in line… that’s idolatry in a different outfit.
God Loves Romance
Don’t misunderstand me, the Lord is a hopeless romantic. Actually, that sounds wrong. The Lord is the ultimate and most perfect romantic???
- He woos us to Himself.
- The Lord pursues us.
- He made a way for us to be in a relationship.
- He is tender and patient.
- The Lord showers us with blessings.
- He provides for us and protects us.
- He is forgiving and gracious.
This is not an article telling you to give up on the romance your heart desires. No, far from it. We were created with a deep need for romance because we were created in God’s image.
What I am saying is that we have let the enemy take what God created and twist it into something… impossible.
God created romance. We were wired to desire romance. We just need to reframe romance with a Biblical worldview! That means comparing worldly expectations with godly expectations.
Comparing Cultural Expectations and Biblical Expectations in Marriage
As closely as I can, I have matched the cultural expectations up to godly expectations in marriage in the chart below. What do you think?
| Unconditional love | Husbands love wives |
| Mutual respect | Wives submit to and respect husbands |
| Unconditional support and unity | Oneness or unity |
| Consistent affection and physical intimacy | Both engage in frequent sexual intimacy behaving in a loving, gentle, understanding way to bring pleasure and ward off temptation |
| Sexual satisfaction | Both engage in frequent sexual intimacy behaving in a loving, gentle, understanding way to bring pleasure and ward off temptation |
| Respectful conflict-resolution | Wives do not love a fight |
| Financial responsibility and partnership | Husbands provide |
| Compromise and flexibility | Wives not easily offended |
| Compromise and flexibility | Forgive and release bitterness and resentment |
| Emotional safety | Wives must be trustworthy |
| Open communication | Husbands be understanding |
| Emotional intimacy | Husbands be gentle |
| Commitment to growth | God is at the center |
| Quality time and being a high priority | In-laws, family, and friends have no say in anyone else’s marriage. |
| Shared interests, values, and life goals | NO MATCH |
| Sharing household responsibilities | NO MATCH |
| Partnership with parenting | NO MATCH |
| NO MATCH | Wives mentoring younger wives |
Do you need a simplified list? I have a Biblical Expectations in Marriage Checklist for you FREE here!
What Are Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage?
From our expectations in marriage worksheet, we can draw some conclusions to help refocus our perspective.
Given that the Bible is silent about several of the culture’s expectations, we could call them unrealistic expectations in marriage.
- Shared interests, values, and life goals
- Sharing household responsibilities
- Partnership with parenting
Would those things be nice? Absolutely. Are they required? I don’t see that spelled out in Scripture.
I am literally shocked they are not listed in the Bible. Like, I feel as if there should be a section of the Scriptures entitled, “What are the expectations of a wife from her husband and of a husband from her wife” and these would be on that list!
Unrealistic Parenting Expectations
I don’t write much about parenting. Mostly, I am silent here because I was raised through trauma and I have no idea if we are getting this right. But I do strive to raise my kids in ways that I see are Biblical.
We do see some things about how to be a godly husband and father.
- Love your family.
- Support your family.
- Don’t provoke your children.
In other places, we see to talk about the Lord as you go about life (Deuteronomy 6:6-8) and require and inspire respect (Ephesians 5:21). But that’s about it.
So, while I wish we had a united plan and did things in a similar way, I can’t expect that if the Bible doesn’t specify it.
Realistic Expectations in a Relationship
The Bible clearly lays out some healthy expectations for marriage.
- Love
- We are each called to love one another (1 Corinthians 13).
- Respect
- Unity
- Sexual intimacy
- Forgiveness
- Understanding and gentleness
- Provision
Biblical Love in Marriage Vs. Cultural Love in a Relationship
Love, however, in the Bible does not look like love in the culture. Biblical love is a choice. Cultural love is a feeling.
When thinking about expectations in marriage Christian style, know that we choose to love, even after the feelings fade. We choose to love because God loves us and we can then show His love to our spouse. We choose love on the good days and the bad days; until death do us part.
Related Post: 38 Encouraging Bible Verses About Love and Marriage
Biblical Respect
We can expect respect. The Bible tells us to respect all people. To show respect by our gentleness and by preferring them above ourselves (Philippians 2:3-5) is a clear Biblical call.
Respect is not just directed toward wives though that is when it gets referenced the most. Wives are to respect their husbands, but all people to respect all other people so this loses its sting if you read the entire passage in context!
Contrary to cultural belief, Biblical texts do not demand respect be earned. Respect is simply owed as a matter of humanity and station. That’s a hard pill to swallow. Respect is owed because we are all people made in the image of God. Period.
You can expect to be respected in your home.
What I desire in this marriage relationship is to have something shared, something in common. At one point, when we started dating, we had that and it was nice to talk to my best friend about all the things we both cared about.
Somehow, over the years, we have drifted apart in this area. We don’t have any shared interests. Our values don’t match in many areas. Life goals are a great place to contract just how different we have become.
For years I’ve prayed we could have something in common. I’ve bent over backward to take an interest in his hobbies and interests. But the harder I’ve tried, the more I see the differences.
I don’t know when it happened, or how it happened. But I wondered if it spelled the end. Then I saw that those are unrealistic expectations from a Biblical perspective. Wow!
We need unity according to Scripture which is very different from commonality. And as I look at our life, I can see some areas where are in unity. The areas where we are not in unity, I can now clearly pray over!
Winning!!!!!!!
If like us, you are struggling to see unity or commonality, search out Bible verses about unity to start praying through this area!
Related Post: 41 Powerful Bible Verses About Unity as Christians
Sexual Intimacy in a Christian Marriage
You may have noticed that there is not much on hopejoyinchrist.com about sexual intimacy in a Christian marriage. I am asked about that a lot privately. It is a big hot topic issue that many people struggle through, needing advice.
Sorry.
There is sexual trauma in my past. I have never felt like I have any authority to speak on this issue because I often wonder if my perspective is skewed due to the past.
However, the Scripture lays out clear sexual expectations within marriage! I could not leave them out of this article, but I will be careful to let this be only THE Word and not my words.
Sexual intimacy is an expectation in Scripture. Let me just grab the best passage to lay it out.
Sexual Intimacy in the Bible
“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband… Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:2-5 ESV)
What do we clearly see about this area of expectation in marriage
- Neglecting the sexual needs in your marriage leads to sexual temptation.
- Frequent intimacy is important.
- Your body, after married, has become one with your spouse (Matthew 19:6)
- Denying your body to please your spouse is wrong (Notice the “Do Not” which is a command-level phrase).
- This passage clearly showed sexual pleasure is intended for BOTH the husband and the wife.
- Sexual intimacy is intended for pleasure (Proverbs 5:18-20) as well as procreation.
- This also means intimacy is not limited to the actual act of sexual intercourse. Bodies were created with pleasure in mind in a marriage relationship (how cool is that!?)
- Other places talk about being loving, gentle, and understanding which implies sexual intimacy in marriage should be described in those ways.
- Sexual intimacy is intended to be in the marriage only which physically excludes anyone you are not married to (Hebrews 13:4).
- Notice that lustful thoughts being labeled as sin also exclude pornography, erotica, and any other thing outside of your spouse (Matthew 5:28-29).
- There is no list of right or wrong ways to be intimate within those bounds.
Related Post: Sex In a Christian Marriage: The Uncomfortable Truth
Understanding and Gentleness in Marriage
Remember that these are words that were used to describe Jesus which means they are not feminine or weak. Jesus was powerful. When we live like Jesus we become more powerful!
Living in an understanding way with your spouse is a direct command given to husbands.
What Does it Look Like to Live in an Understanding Way?
- Patience when someone doesn’t seem to get something or adjust quickly.
- Letting love cover mistakes.
- Making sure your expectations are realistic instead of demanding perfection.
- Taking time to know someone so you know how to love them well.
I know this was directed toward husbands, but if we are honest, these are ways the Scripture tells us to love everyone. This is a universal expectation.
What Does it Look Like to Be Gentle in Marriage?
When Scripture tells husbands not to be harsh with their wives, the idea is gentleness. Gentleness is best understood as power under control. You could be easily angry, easily offended, but the Lord expects self-control and understanding.
This applies to husbands and wives. It is said to husbands once, but then in Proverbs, we see two instances explaining graphically how bad it is to live with a harsh woman.
The bottom line is that if you are a person who is easily angered or easily offended, it is difficult to love you. If you love a person like this, you can expect them to change.
If they are not quick to admit this sinful pattern or have no concern about changing it, you need to take additional steps. We will discuss them in the section on unmet expectations in marriage!
Provision
The Bible tells us we are responsible for providing for our household. This is a command given to the man of the house. I wonder if that was specific to the time and culture but have not studied it in depth.
Also, I’ve lived a life where God has had to provide miraculously… often.
Regardless of my experience, however, we see the Scripture say we can expect that we will be provided for in marriage. This is a Biblical expectation in marriage.
Forgiveness
You are not perfect. Your spouse is not perfect. Neither of you ever will be perfect on this side of heaven. Period.
If you are married to a believer in Christ, you can expect to have much to forgive. You can also expect that they will forgive you for much.
Forgiveness is a Spiritual discipline that Jesus said we are all expected to learn and practice. He forgives us. We are to forgive others which includes our spouse when they fail to meet our expectations.
We must acknowledge that even when we have healthy expectations in marriage, and realistic expectations in marriage there will still be unmet needs. Our imperfect spouse will fall short of our expectations.
We are called to forgive them… but let’s talk about what else we are called to do with unmet expectations in marriage.
Unmet Expectations in Marriage
If we are very honest, this is why we are really here together today. There are unmet needs in our hearts and we expect our spouses to meet those needs.
It hurts to plumb the depths of all the needs my husband has let fall to the ground over the years. Hurts.
And here’s the thing, I don’t expect much from him anymore… because he has left me hurting so many times… and it’s put us in such a bad place in our relationship.
How To Stop Expecting From Your Husband
When we married, he doted on me… he wanted to hear what was in my heart… he wanted to spend time with me… he helped carry the weight of life…
I lit up when he came in the room, I longed to tell him all the things and hear him tell me all the things… There was respect naturally etched into every interaction.
What happened?
I would never have said I had unrealistic expectations in marriage. Never. But you saw my list already. So you know that list was looonnnngggg.
And over time, as he repeatedly dropped an expectation I stopped expecting more and more from him.
Over time, I stopped telling him when missing the mark hurt me because it didn’t seem to help inspire him to try harder… (I hate having to write that. It feels embarrassing.)
Little by little I decided he wasn’t enough… could never measure up… and I decided to not need him for anything. I stopped expecting him to do anything or meet any need.
A Hard Heart Comes When You Stop Expecting
Then, one day I noticed that I recoiled when he touched me. I ignored him when he rattled on about his day. If he did try to meet a need, I shrugged it off.
I could see I was hurting him, but I justified it by remembering all the times he’d hurt me by not caring that my needs were left unmet.
My heart was hard toward him. I hadn’t forgiven him… and I had quietly quit on our marriage. No, I wasn’t planning to leave him, but I wasn’t willing to work on things anymore either.
Hard-hearted… Not only was my heart hard toward him, but I had built a wall around it to protect myself from the hurt I had grown accustomed to from him.
That’s what happens when you stop expecting from your spouse. You just quietly quit on your marriage.
Unspoken Expectations in Marriage
There was a time when I told him what I expected. I told him when he hurt me by neglecting something I expected. We communicated openly about all the things. When did that change?
Probably for us, it was with kids. When kids came we just had less time or energy. We were both doing our best to pull the weight of life but not investing in our marriage.
It became easier to just not tell him when I was hurting. Besides, at the time he didn’t know Jesus or understand the expectations of Christianity… let alone marriage. Even when he got saved, he still wasn’t interested in working on our marriage.
So I just stopped talking along the way.
He knew I was unhappy, but he had no idea why. I didn’t think it would help to say anything… until I was overwhelmed to the point it just all spewed out… at which point it was too much for him and so nothing changed.
How To Fix Expectations in Marriage
We were caught in a cycle. Unspoken expectations. Unrealistic expectations. Too many expectations. No expectations. He hurt me. I hurt him. We both tried to just hold things together…
How can you break the cycle?
Forgiveness and Prayer to Restore Marriage
I had to learn how to forgive the hurt. In fact, I have a free Bible study where I share just how to forgive here ~>
I also had to spend a lot of time in prayer. What I needed was to trust the Lord with all of these expectations before I could move forward.
Trust the Lord. Ouch. My wall and silence were proof that I thought I needed to protect myself. If I need to protect myself, and my heart, I am not trusting the Lord.
Nowhere in Scripture does God tell us to protect ourselves from our spouse… or take revenge for ourselves… or build walls around our hearts… or cling to control to avoid pain.
I had to pray – A LOT – to get this right with the Lord. And I still fall back into the cycle often. It’s a long process sometimes!
Difficult Conversations
And if I wanted this marriage to last longer than my kids are at home Bud and I had to start talking again. This required many small and difficult conversations. Many.
We had to talk about what I had expected and when and how he hurt me. He shared similarly. We had to talk about realistic versus unrealistic expectations.
The first difficult conversation ended in a fight but we both agreed to try again. The next conversation was better because he knew it was coming and had time to think through his end (That is always a great way to set up a man for success in a difficult conversation).
We also agreed that we needed to talk more often with some ground rules.
- No electronics
- No kids near us
- A heads up about the content before the conversation
A Heart That Is Open To Try
At first, I was so exhausted from all the things and his track record was soooo bad, I didn’t allow for change. Mistake!
He was finally ready to change. I don’t know when that happened either. Maybe through all the years of strategic prayer. Maybe through the power of the Holy Spirit fighting for me form a place of humility and honesty. I don’t know.
If you have tried before and it’s failed… try again! Don’t give up.
Once I realized he was serious and it wasn’t a short-lived fluke, my heart began to open… a little.
With an open heart, I tried to accept the change and expect that he was trying. Lots of trying in that sentence, but sometimes that’s all you’ve got right?!
Admit Trust Issues
I also had to admit that I as allowing fear to control my reactions. I was afraid to get hurt anymore. BUT the Lord didn’t give us fear. Instead, He gives us power and faith to overcome fear!
The bottom line was that I was not trusting the Lord. I was trying to control things because I thought I could protect myself. BUT, my control led to a hard heart totally closed off from love. My way failed. Time to try it God’s way!
I struggle to trust the Lord where I have been hurt in the past. Aren’t you thankful He is patient with us?!
Even in this season, He keeps circling back to this issue of the wall around my heart. He keeps reminding me I put it back up and need to let Him tear it down. I need to trust the Lord.
How about you? Are you trusting the Lord in the area of expectations in Marriage?
The Lord Will Fight for You About Expectations in Marriage
We’ve seen in our 40-day study: how to be still and trust the Lord that He expects trust. Not only does the Lord expect us to trust Him, He says He will fight for us!
Where there are unmet needs in your heart and in your marriage, will you let the Lord fight the battle?
Where you have quietly quit and feel hopeless, will you lay it at His feet and ask Him to do what feels impossible?
How can you rekindle the love that was quenched through the storms of unmet expectations, unrealistic expectations, or unhealthy expectations in marriage?
- Set aside cultural expectations
- Learn Biblical expectations in marriage
- Forgive
- Pray
- Have difficult conversations
- Open your heart
- Trust the Lord
- Let God fight the battle
in HIS love,
Tiffany of Hope Joy in Christ inspires Christian Women to grow in faith, live out Biblical Marriage Principles and raise Godly Children. Join the Wives Only Facebook Group here or keep up with her through Pinterest.
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