Do you long to grow the area of communication in your Christian Marriage? As I counsel and mentor wives I hear this listed – almost 90% of the time – as the biggest struggle in their Marriage. Hands down Wives – doing Marriage God’s Way – long to Improve Communication in a Christian Marriage.
I want you to think back – way back to when you began dating your spouse. Do you remember all the late night talks? Today’s generation might imagine hours upon hours of texting late at night.
Communication was no problem when we first started a life together.
What changed to cause distance in our Christian Marriage? When did we begin to have trouble communicating?
For us, it was a gradual build-up to poor communication. Life got busy. We both work and the time we spend together seems to be less and less as life goes on. Many of our conversations are task-related. We rarely shared the little things that made our day.
Gone are the days of late-night talks and hours of texting about our hopes and dreams. I’m lucky if he even knows I wrote a new chapter for the book I am working on! It’s not intentional so much as routine…
Truth – no one wakes up one morning and decides to destroy the communication path in a Christian Marriage! It is a slow disintegration.
Then tragedy strikes, one of us hurts the other, betrayal slips into our home, health is affected, and we find poor communication turns into No communication or bitter words when there are words.
This article could hit you at 2 places.
- You know how crucial healthy intimate communication is and want to maintain it and keep growing!
- Or maybe you are living in the thick of the battle with broken lines of communication.
- Everything you say is taken offensively and you don’t like much of what he says.
- Things have broken down completely and you feel hopeless to Improve Communication.
Maybe you are not there… but you know it’s possible and you want to avoid that. There is always room to Grow! I am so glad you are here! We can grow together!
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How do you Improve Communication in a Christian Marriage?
The first thing we need is a perspective shift: I must accept that I can not change my husband.
I can only change myself. There is nothing I can do to permanently change anything about my Husband.
God can change him and my prayers can go a long way to speeding those changes. But the sooner I release that hope – the hope that I can someone teach my husband or coerce my husband – the sooner I can begin to improve the communication in our Christian Marriage – even if it is in a difficult season.
Next, I must Intentionally pray that God will show me if and where any of my words are part of the problem.
Now I am not saying I or You are the problems. But if I’m honest, my words are not always loving or accepting. My words do not always have my husbands best interests in mind. There are days my words and nagging, critical, angry, and bitter. I often catch myself trying to teach my husband – take over the role of the Holy Spirit in his life.
I was never designated the Holy Spirit’s helper for my Husband. Were you? Yet I put myself into that role often… and my husband resents me for it. He finds those types of words disrespectful!
So how do I change the way I speak to my husband and Improve my part of this path of Communication?
Understand that our words begin in our thoughts.
Luke 6:45 The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart (mind).
So if our words begin in our heart and mind – we need a plan to be sure we are thinking loving, respectful, truthful things. This is how to win the battle for your mind!
The enemy chips away at us in our thoughts; reminding us of past mistakes, pointing out flaws and keeping us from recognizing growth and change. We make his work way too easy when we do not fight back. How do you fight back in our Thoughts? So glad you asked!
First – I would be foolish to gloss over the fact that there are hard things in Life and in Marriage… The enemy may have ammunition to use against you and your husband where there are areas that have not bee dealt with and Forgiven.
Forgiveness is a hard topic for so many reasons. BUT, on the other side of Forgiveness is Freedom! I’d love to share my story with you; How God taught me a Pathway to Forgiveness that changed the direction of my life!
There is a 2 Step Test that can Improve Communication in a Christian Marriage
Step 1. Take Every Single Thought Captive.
2 Corinthians 10:5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ
That means that every thought that comes through your head has to be stopped. Don’t daydream or fantasize about anything for a time. Stop every thought and take it through this test.
Step 2. Take every captive thought through the Philippians 4:8 Test (Click the words to better understand each one)
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things (Philippians 4:8 NASB).
I’ll take you through this Test for my thoughts – since those are the only thoughts I know.
As I go about my day the enemy tempts me to obsess over my husband’s flaws and mistakes. He points out the laundry that my husband threw on the floor instead of in the basket. I notice the dishes throughout the house and get aggravated that my husband doesn’t clean up after himself.
Sometimes the attack of the enemy goes deeper. I begin to wonder things like:
Is he really saved? If he were saved would you still be struggling with this? Maybe it was a lie. He’s such an immature believer if it’s real. We are unequally yoked. How can he lead when you are so much more mature than he is? He has messed up so many times he’ll never get this right. We all suffer while he is growing in this area…
I take those thoughts Captive – stop them dead in their tracks and take them through the Philippians 4:8 Test
Is this True? If yes okay. If No, what is true instead that I can think about?
- Is my husband saved? He says he is and I am not God.
- I am saved.
- God has told me to love all – saved or lost.
- I am to bear others burdens and show compassion instead of judgment.
- I can only see his actions – not his thoughts, intentions or faith.
What is honorable? If yes okay. If No, what is honorable instead that I can think about?
- He makes mistakes but he is not his mistakes.
- There is good in him.
- He does not stop me from growing in my faith.
- There are times he goes to church with me and engages about it.
- I remember when he would never go to church – he has grown here.
What is just,? If yes okay. If No, what is Just instead that I can think about?
- His faith is personal and will not look like mine.
- I have punished him in the past for not conforming to my way of faith.
- His faith is between him and God and I have to leave it there.
What is pure? If yes okay. If No, what is pure instead that I can think about?
- I will not compare him to anyone else.
- While I pursue authentic faith I will guard against friendships with other men who are pursuing their faith.
- I will intentionally seek out other like-minded wives to study the word with.
What is lovely? If yes okay. If No, what is lovely instead that I can think about?
- He does not need to meet my expectations – only Jesus was perfect so I need to stop expecting him to be..
- I want to assume his intentions are good even if he falls short.
- He is trying his best – not my best his best – and that matters.
What is of good repute? If yes okay. If No, what is good repute instead that I can think about?
- He has trusted me enough to share that he struggles.
- If he were anyone else this would be enough.
- The pressure to figure all of this out as an adult is huge and he is doing the best he can.
What is excellent? If yes okay. If No, what is excellent instead that I can think about?
- There are many areas he has grown this past decade.
- List them and try to find ways to mention them to him.
What is worthy of praise? If yes okay. If No, what is praiseworthy instead that I can think about?
- My husband is a child of God.
- God loves my husband so much that He sent His Son to die for his sins.
- The Holy Spirit is working in my husband – even when I can’t see or understand.
This is the 2 step Test I use to take get my thinking in line with God’s word. When my thoughts are in line with Philippians 4:8, my words are loving, accepting, encouraging and help rebuild the road to Strong Communication!
Honestly, this is just One Step in the Process to Improve Communication in a Christian Marriage. I’ll be sharing more, but to go deeper Today check out the Full Course Finding Hope and Joy in My Marriage