Wives Are Called To Have A Gentle And Quiet Spirit
For years, I’ve taught wives to become gentle, more like Jesus, in their words and attitudes. Why? Scripture calls us to live this way.
“Likewise, wives, be subject(submit with a gentle spirit) to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” (1 Peter 3:1-4 ESV)
What Does Gentle Mean in the Bible?
Gentle in the Bible is another word for meek, like Jesus. Gentleness understands that we have the power to do great things, whether good or bad, but it contains the power to love others well.
Gentleness is about controlling our power.
Related Post: (*Coming soon – Gentleness In The Bible Is NOT Just For Wives)
If gentleness is about power under control, then a gentle and quiet spirit is about a humble strength.
When you live this out, you are not passive, but strong, choosing when to speak up and when to allow the Holy Spirit to move. Your words may be few, but they are powerful and you have a peaceful character, knowing God is in control.
Related Post: (*Coming soon – How To Have A Gentle And Quiet Spirit)
The Promise Of A Happy Marriage To The Gentle
But somewhere along the way, I got off track in my marriage about being gentle and having a gentle and quiet spirit. I took this passage and others like it to make a promise.
If… I learned to be gentle and have a gentle and quiet spirit…
Then… my husband would be won over…
Won over to what exactly?
Won to the Lord?
Motivated to love with gentleness as well?
Stirred up to fully engage in our lives and embody all that Ephesians 5:25-32 teaches a husband to do?
But that’s not really what this verse says… those were things I longed for, hoped for and prayed would happen… but they don’t always.
What is the real goal for husbands and wives according to this passage of Scripture?
First, note that Peter didn’t say, “they will be won,” he said, “they may be won.” This isn’t a promise. There is no if-then statement being made.
There is, however, a clear command. Wives – learn submission, respect, pure conduct, and gentleness (BTW: all believers are called to this lifestyle ). But to what end?
What are husbands being won over to do?
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (1 Peter 3:7 NASB)
Live with your wife in an understanding way.
Show honor to your wife.
The Bible Doesn’t Promise a Fairy Tale
For all of our gentleness, respect, and submission, he MAY treat us with understanding and honor. That is not the fairytale marriage I hoped for. How about you?
But nothing in the Bible really promises us a fairytale life or marriage. No man can be Prince Charming. Why? That is God’s job. Jesus rescues us. God saves us. The Holy Spirit empowers us to do all things victoriously. Not our husband.
Why Live With A Gentle And Quiet Spirit If There Are No Guarantees?
As I stare down the face of a second failed marriage, I have learned several unexpected things. One powerful lesson is that a gentle and quiet spirit is not always enough to win over your husband if he isn’t willing to do the work. It takes two people, intentionally investing in the marriage, to make it through the tough seasons.
The biggest takeaway, however, has been that a gentle and quiet spirit is pleasing to God, which makes it worth all the struggling. With that in mind, I stand by all I have learned and teach to wives about becoming a godly wife – even if it never helps transform a husband into a godly husband.
A Gentle and Quiet Spirit Pleases the Lord
We are ALL (not just wives) called to be gentle and meek, following Jesus’ example. When we walk in obedience, even though it’s counter-cultural, the reward is… hard to explain.
It’s like pleasing your daddy when you are little. My father was very hard to please, and we always fell short of his expectations. But his whole countenance lit up on that rare occasion when he was in a good mood and I did something he liked. He would swoop me up on his shoulders and parade through the house. I knew I pleased him.
Our Heavenly Father is NOT hard to please. He sets out clear instructions and gives His Holy Spirit to enable us to please Him. When we do, a peace settles over us, a joy fills us, and we feel in our hearts that He is smiling at us.
A gentle and quiet spirit pleases our Father.
A Broken Marriage But A Pleased Father
With the current state of my marriage – we are separated and not able to pursue reconciliation in this season – I am wrestling with this question.
What is the point of living with a gentle and quiet spirit when it isn’t always enough to ensure a happy marriage?
When a gentle and quiet spirit isn’t enough to win my husband… or convince him to honor me or live in an understanding way… was it worth it? What was the point?
The point is, obedience is always worth the cost. Living in the pleasure of my Father is worth the risk of a broken marriage. How does that work?
A Gentle And Quiet Spirit Let’s God Be In Control
My marriage is broken. It was difficult, then dysfunctional, then finally destructive, but it finally broke beyond repair.
In the beginning, we were both wrong. I was loud, critical, and always controlling. He was distant then verbally harsh, and always manipulative. It was a difficult marriage.
Along the way, the Lord convicted me of my part and prompted me to get help for my mental health struggles and healing for the traumatic past that brought so much baggage into our lives.
God worked to heal so many places in my heart and my character over the years. I learned to have hope and joy in Christ through all the pain of change. It helped our marriage in many ways and I was sure eventually it would lead to lasting change.
But lasting change is God’s to bring. God is in control, and I am not. A gentle and quiet spirit lets God be in control, even when it doesn’t seem to be going well. God is in control of me, and I am changing. God is in control of my husband as well.
While it is true that God is in control, He will never force us. The Lord wants us to choose Him, His way, and His will. We can refuse Him… which is what my husband did, over and over again.
Things would break, but my husband would ignore them or shift the blame for them, or shut down completely over them. The kids and I would find a way forward… but we reap what we sow, and over time, what was once difficult became dysfunctional. It was sort of working, but everyone knew it wasn’t working the right way.
But you can’t force people to change. You can only pray (and strategic prayer can change everything!) and do your part, trusting God to do His part in hearts that seem unreachable. You have to allow others to fail, because sometimes that’s the only way we really learn and grow. Even in marriage.
A Gentle and Quiet Spirit in Marriage
What does failure in marriage look like? Pain. Heartbreak. Struggling against a hard heart and distrust. Difficult conversations. Sleepless nights spent in prayer. Boundaries. Consequences. Separation. Possibly divorce.
But on the other side of all that hardship, a gentle and quiet spirit in marriage has brought beauty. Trust in the Lord. Brave faith. Inner joy. Peace that makes no sense. Hope that the Lord has this and us. An expectation that the Lord will turn this mess into something beautiful.
A gentle and quiet spirit isn’t weakness, but strength. It speaks the truth in love. If unheard, it trusts God to take care of the unyielding heart. It stands firm in truth and refuses to waver from God’s standard gently and quietly.
This is love. This is how God loves us and calls us to love others… even in marriage… even if it fails… even if they are never won…
A Gentle And Quiet Spirit Is Worth The Risk
Learning to live with a gentle and quiet spirit is a risk. It flies in the face of cultural expectations. Women are called out as weak for not speaking out more, standing up for their rights more, or being more assertive when we live this way. I know, I hear it often, even among my saved friends.
There is a time to speak. Yes. But strength is not often found in a multitude of words. Love is strongest when lived out with gentleness and trust in the Lord.
No, a gentle and quiet spirit didn’t save my marriage or bring happiness in that relationship, but I wouldn’t change it. It pleases the Lord, and that is the relationship I care most about.
As I walk out each day in this season of separation, I feel the presence of the Lord, I feel His pleasure. He is providing for us and protecting us. He is leading and guiding us. His wisdom and discernment are all that are keeping us going some days. It is the most beautiful season of hardship I’ve ever lived through. It is worth it!
Tiffany of Hope Joy in Christ inspires Christian Women to grow in faith, live out Biblical Marriage Principles and raise Godly Children. Join the Wives Only Facebook Group here or keep up with her through Pinterest.
Tiffany of Hope Joy in Christ inspires Christian Women to grow in faith, live out Biblical Marriage Principles and raise Godly Children. Join the Wives Only Facebook Group here or keep up with her through Pinterest.
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