Would you describe your relationship as Playful, Flirtatious and Fun? How long has it been since those words fit your Marriage? The pressures, responsibilities and burdens of life tend to steal our Joy and that is dangerous to a successful marriage. When you are married with children there is even more stress to steal the fun parts of who we are as women. To Improve Communication in marriage today we will learn how to use playful words and have fun with your husband.
Proverbs 18:21 death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruit
We know the kinds of words that speak death into our Marriage.
- Nagging
- Criticizing
- Teaching
- Correcting
- Always pointing out the flaws
But do we really know the kinds of words speak life into our marriage?
- Words of appreciation and admiration
- They build up my husband creating this momentum and confidence that makes a difference.
- Factual words instead of emotional Toxic words
- They help us stay focused on the real marital issues and avoid needless conflict in marriage.
- Playful words, Flirtatious Words, Feminine words
- They add fun back into our relationship like a breath of fresh air.
What are Playful words?
Playful words are a fun way to respond instead of reacting like we discussed previously. When we respond in a playful way we can diffuse even the tensest situation.
Let me give you an example of how to use playful words.
First, let me confess a huge shortcoming in my homemaking skills; I can not cook spaghetti to save my life. It doesn’t matter how I try, I overcook it, under-cook it or burn it every time. Honestly, homemaking is not my calling in life.
If my husband comes up in a bad mood and I’ve burned the noodles he is likely to react with words that have wounding power.
Remember our Marriage Communication Exercise from Session Six. My prayer is, “Guard my mouth, Lord” as his words raise all my emotions.
Instead of rising with the emotion of that situation I can choose to choose a practiced playful word instead.
“How can anyone mess up spaghetti?” he says with a scowl.
“Well you can always count on me to be consistent and make me pay for it later,” I flirt back with a wink.
When you add a bit of humor in marriage and flirtation it diffuses the tension almost immediately.
Playfulness and flirtation are not our natural reactions, right? This communication tool requires practice! I literally practice being playful and flirting in the mirror (Because I need my face to match my words).
We’ve talked about the need to change our negative thinking about our husband, this is a great way to do it. The same situations and phrases are repeated over and over in our homes every week. You know what happens to create drama, tension, relationship conflict, and bad communication in your home. We really want help with marriage issues, so as you replay those scenes in your mind (I know you still will) just spin them differently.
How to prepare to use Playful Words in your Marriage
Do you remember playing house as a little girl? You would practice being a wife and mom for hours. Every scene was played out and repeated until it felt right. That is a great way to learn this communication skill.
I will often replay a situation through my mind. In the past, I was replaying it to find ways to get back at him, but I learned I could spin this! Now when I replay a hurtful situation I am looking for the humor, practicing playful phrases, trying a bit of flirtation. When it feels right I practice it in front of a mirror. When the situation comes up I am ready to try out my new idea.
Two very legitimate objections to using playful words
Objection #1: It feels one-sided and counter-cultural to give up my right to be right and defend my self but it is God’s way.
If we were face to face, I know your face would give your thoughts away in this conversation. “When my husband says something potentially hurtful you want me to be playful instead of correcting him and defending myself?”
Yes, I do.
It sounds crazy to put aside our emotions at the moment and become a peacemaker. Hear me out, we will come back to the hurtful words later when the sting is gone and we can talk with cool heads. Right now we are honed in on the importance of communication, improved communication, effective communication in marriage. One of us has to change.
Psalm 17:7-8 Wondrously show Your loving kindness, O Savior of those who take refuge at Your right hand From those who rise up against them. Keep me as the apple of the eye; Hide me in the shadow of Your wings
The key to that change is a reset. So in day 5 I challenged you to set aside 30 days to not say a negative word to your husband.
Objection #2: I don’t know how to give up my rights and stop defending myself for 30-Days.
Point taken. Here are 2 ways to adopt a playful attitude.
First, resolve to not be easily offended.
Proverbs 19:11 A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.
Ladies can we be painfully honest? I take myself way too seriously. Do you? I want things to be my way because I believe my way is the best way (the only way) to do things. Do you?
When my husband points out my flaws or does something different than I wanted it done I am easily offended. Are you?
I am quick to point out his flaws but it hurts when he points out mine. This is such a double standard but it is the way our home was for years. I need to confess this to God and ask Him to help me be less easily offended and take myself less seriously.
Second, give your husband the benefit of the doubt ( assume the best intentions).
Instead of brooding over my insensitive husband I assume he had a bad day and didn’t think before he spoke.
Instead of being offended at his insult of my cooking skills I resolve to take my self less seriously and find the funny side of my shortcomings.
I have shortcomings.
You have shortcomings.
Your husband knows your flaws and is good at pointing them out, isn’t he?!? Mine is.
There are days he hurts me. On those days I step away, let God filter my words and guard my mouth, practice the funny line I thought of, then go back out to play the flirtatious wife.
Later on, when the emotion of it all has faded, we can talk through the real issues of that problem. When we are both cool-headed and open to listening to each other.
In the moment you just want to diffuse the tension of a difficult situation and playful words do that.
Third, Can I overly emphasize practicing this in a mirror? If he hears you flirt but your face isn’t with it the fun will be ruined. My face is an unwilling traitor to my cause of speaking words of life to my husband.
Back to How to Use Playful Words
- Practice what you will say next time drama comes up.
- Practice being playful with him.
- Try adding in a cute little bit of sass.
- Toy with the way you can swish your hips.
- Play around with different flirtatious phrases.
Try them out on him to see what gets his eye to raise. If it doesn’t work, try something else. You will know you found the right combination of playful words and flirtatious body language when he plays back or suggests something else ;).
Using Playful words is about Responding instead of reacting to change the dynamic
Please note: I’m talking about using this communication tool for they quirky things that happen and are hurtful but not abusive, abandonment or infidelity.
Feminine words are another Playful communication tool
I know the idea of femininity seems old fashioned and outdated, but there is so much power in our gentle feminine nature.
When you use playful words in a wise feminine way you have to power to get your husband off the offensive.
A feminine attitude is about creating an atmosphere in our conversations where he doesn’t feel like he’s on trial. You don’t want your husband to feel like he has to defend himself in some way. We’re just having a conversation and we want him involved not shut down.
What are feminine words?
We, as women can say things in a way that stirs something chivalrous within our men. When that deep-seated manly part of your husband is stirred he will be eager to step up and step in. This way of responding triggers him to do the right thing without nagging.
We can debate all day long about women’s rights and progress and all of that, but as much as women have stepped into masculine roles in life, men are still men. Your husband has a deep need inside of him to protect you, to cherish you to take care of you.
Men still want to be men but they need permission to feel like that’s okay. They can be afraid to step on our toes or our rights. When you show your feminine side you give your husband permission to be the man he can be.
Examples of feminine words, feminine phrases that stir men to action:
- I expect more from a man like you.
- You’re a better man than that.
- I know you have it in you to treat me better.
These feminine phrases (when said in a soft gentle way) build your husband up. You’re affirming him, believing in his character and stirring him to try harder while also clearly stating that something needs to change.
Feminine words affirm what we know about him.
“I know you are a good man…”
“You would never do anything to intentionally hurt me but…”
For example:
You are a good man, you must not have relaized xyz would hurt me.
It hurts me when you do xyz and I know you didn’t intend to hurt me.
These words say there is a standard and I know you can reach it, all the while affirming his character. Some examples to start with are:
- You are a godly man
- A good father
- I know you love me
- I know you want to cherish me
- You want to provide for us
- you would never do anything to hurt our family
Those affirming things say “Hey you are doing something wrong here and I believe in you to do better”.
We can say it without being or acting critical or hurtful! When we use our Feminine side we can communicate our position in a way he can actually hear and understand.
When I use my feminine side and add in playful words I am not being aggressive or nagging, instead, I am controlling my tongue. This is not a bible verse about marriage but it applies to our Session today.
Proverbs 12:18 There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Your husband has a God-given desire to protect you, provide for you and cherish you but our culture stomps that out of him. Our words can give him permission to act on them. Our words can stir and re-kindle love and deep intimate communication in marriage
In conclusion – Adding Playful words with a feminine touch can stir your husband to step up and improve Communication in Marriage
Today we covered 2 more communication tools:
- The power of fun, flirtation, playful words.
- A feminine attitude as a non-threatening way to address hard issues.
When we commit to be less easily offended and assume the best in our husband we can more easily invite God into our Marriage to guard and filter our words.
Playful words are powerful communication exercises to diffuse tension and save a marriage.
See session 7 in your workbook to hone this communication exercise.
in HIM,
Tiffany
