Do you ever feel like your husband has completely shut down and shut you out? No matter what you say, how you say it he’s not hearing you. That was us for years and honestly we still go back to that at times. The truth is he gets tired of being told he’s failed or fallen short and just shuts down. I’ve learned the hard way that if I want my husband to open up to me I have to use the next two communication tools Admiration and Appreciation. When I admire and appreciate my husband he hears respect. Respect is a way to improve communication in Marriage.
What does it mean to Respect your husband?
Respect is a hard concept. We know the Bible verses about love and marriage that say “Wives respect your husband”, but How? How do you nail down the true meaning of Respect as a man understands it when you are not a man. It feels like there is a special Respect Definition for men and a different women definition. Can you relate?
What is respect? To me, respect is being heard, understood, trusted, looked up to, prioritized. My husband sees and feels respect in a different way. How about your husband? Has he ever accused you of being disrespectful and you honestly had no idea where he was coming from?
I know what my husband finds disrespectful. Tell me if your husband is like mine with these examples of disrespect in marriage.
- Being told to take the trash out more than one time in a day shows a lack of respect to my husband.
- Pointing out that the exit we need to take is four lanes over and 1/2 a mile away is disrespectful to my husband.
- Asking what he’s read in the bible lately is disrespectful to my husband.
- Scrolling Facebook while he goes on and on about a game is disrespectful to my husband.
I’m stopping now, but I could honestly go on for hours listing all the things I do that drive my husband crazy.
Your husband is different than mine. Be a student of that man and learn what he finds respectful and disrespectful. It will be eye-opening and help you avoid needless marriage conflict.
Why is Respect important and what does it have to do with communication in Marriage?
Ah, so glad we got back to that! When your husband feels like there is no respect he shuts down and there is no communication. I mean, he may nod and grunt, but there is no real meaningful intimate conversation happening. And really, how long can a marriage survive without communication? What are the effects of no communication in marriage?
We disconnect. Our love tank empties. Both of us become irritable and hard to live with. Marriage becomes difficult when there are communication problems.
Words of affirmation – yes from the love languages book – are a way to show respect in a healthy relationship.
Lack of Respect is the 7th barrier to effective communication in Marriage
What are words of affirmation?
Affirm means to state a fact, offer emotional support.
But what if the facts are bad and there’s not emotional support?
Okay, I really wrestle with the entire concept of the Five Love Languages because when respect is lost in marriage – when there are marital problems, when the lines of communication are broken – it just isn’t enough.
I prefer to focus on words of appreciation and admiration. No matter how difficult things are, I can reach into my memory and find things I appreciate about my husband. There are things I admire about my husband – even if they are things from years ago. It’s okay to walk down memory lane, I promise your husband will love it.
On the other hand, it is difficult to affirm my husband when we are having marriage problems, struggling with communication, dealing with a difficult season of marriage. Honestly, if I try to muster up affirmation, it will sound false and my face with give me away.
I don’t ever want to lie to my husband or be fake with him. That’s why I stick with admiration and appreciation.
When I speak words of appreciation and admiration my husband hears Respect
Something magical happens when a man feels respected by his wife. Your husband will begin to show love the way you need it. Respect is this beautiful key to unlocking your husband’s heart. When we do and say things to him that show respect, he responds by doing and saying things that show love. This one change is high on my list of the best advice for a happy marriage.
Words of appreciation and admiration speak life into our home, our husband and our marriage.
Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
It was hard for me to begin to speak words of Appreciation and Admiration to my husband. As I shared in the playful words session, we were in such a difficult season of marriage and he was doing nothing admirable.
It took a lot of soul-searching and looking back for me to find things to say that would build my husband up. My mentor challenged me to 30 days of Appreciation Marriage Challenge to piggy back on the 30-days of no negative words.
For 30 Days I had to speak, text, email or drop a note about one thing I admired or appreciated about him. I remember being so aggravated because my question was “how do you communicate with a difficult spouse?”. Her answer seemed to avoid my question though now I see she was wise to redirect me.
It was shocking how quickly Respect fixed communication in my marriage
I mean changed. Completely changed. My husband began looking for things to do to bring more of those words of admiration! Things I had begged him to do for years (but had shut up about and been praying over instead) were getting done around the house. Respect was filling up a bucket that had been empty in his heart for years.
It breaks my heart to think of all the time I wasted nagging and comparing. All he needed was a cheerleader. Your husband wants to be admired. Your husband wants to be appreciated.
A Marriage challenge: Add Respectful words
I want to challenge you to honestly evaluate your words over the past week, month, year. How often do you point out the good things in your husband? How often do you point out his mistakes?
When I took this challenge the ratio was about 98% negative 2% positive and I probably padded the numbers in my favor. I was so embarrassed. If someone spent 98% of their time and conversation dogging me about my flaws I’d walk away from them. There would be some serious boundaries put up to protect me from them.
Then it hit me. An aha moment.
Proverbs 25:24 It is better to live in a corner of the roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
My husband has shut down to protect himself from his contentious wife – me.
My husband’s lack of communication is a boundary he has set between his heart and the wife that hurts his heart with her words. (Learn more about that in the 9-Week Marriage Bible Study Finding Hope and Joy in my Marriage)
I didn’t mean to hurt him. Those words were meant to help him – help him grow, correct things that will hurt him… so I rationalized.
But that takes us all the way back to day one, Session One. Do you know yourself? Do you know the you that your husband sees and lives with and protects his heart from?
I didn’t. I was completely blind to my part of the problem in our marriage. My heart cried out day after day – How do I save my marriage, Oh God I just want to fix my marriage. And all the while, my mouth was causing a lot of the problems.
My Mouth… my big fat stupid sinful mouth was a problem
- Those negative thoughts
- My inability to accept the flaws in my husband,
- The refusing to forgive his mistakes
- My refusal to see anything except his imperfections
That all fueled my words and those words were speaking death into my husband’s life. Can you relate?
Maybe your part is different than mine. I sure hope so. But if you are here, focusing on fixing the communication problems in your marriage, odds are we are soul sisters. Fellow naggers in the contentious wives club. We’ve seen the importance of effective communication – now we need to commit to it!
Will you join me in making a commitment? At the end of Session Five, I challenged you to spend the next 30 days just shutting up about the things you can’t accept and praying about them instead.
Will you take that another step farther? Will you commit to speaking words of life every day for 30 days? There are prompts in Today’s session of the workbook to help you get started.
Take the 30 Day Respect Marriage Challenge!
For 30 days, no nagging, correcting, teaching, pointing out anything negative. Instead, admire him, appreciate him, respect him, flirt with him, be playful with him.
Words of Appreciation
Words of Appreciation are about finding things he’s done well and speaking of them.
Some Examples of Words of Appreciation:
- The time he fixed the dishwasher
- Cutting the grass without being asked
- When he tucked the kids into bed
- Taking us to church
- Reading a story to the kids
- Rough housing with the kids and making them feel loved.
- Finding a great deal on our new phones
- Being a better husband than some other husbands (there’s always someone worse to point out and show how he is doing something right).
- The birthday gift he bought unprompted
Pro-Tip: I keep a journal entry on my phone with a list of things I appreciate to say to him so that if a great idea comes in Walmart I don’t forget it.
There are also some tried and true phrases that fill up his respect bucket every time (he never gets tired of hearing about things he did well). I put many of them into a printable 52 card set in my shop!
Words of Admiration
Words of Admiration are about finding good things in his character and speaking them.
Some Examples of Words of Admiration:
- His work ethic
- Keeping a job when it’s hard
- He is honest even when some would lie
- He loves his children
- Anytime you see him trying to show you love
- His persistence in the hobby he loves
When he feels respected he shows love. He also opens up and wants to communicate with me! Win-Win!
Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
Appreciation, Admiration, or Respect are key to communicating in our Marriage. They create momentum that drives real change in our Husbands lives. Playful words can be used as a tool to help our husbands step into their role as a leader.
In conclusion – Words of affirmation and appreciation speak respect and improve Communication in Marriage
Today we saw 2 communication tools that speak life through respect.
- Words of Appreciations (finding things he’s done well and speaking of them)
- Words of Admiration (finding good things in his character and speaking them)
When we commit speak words of Respect to our husband it becomes a life-giving habit that can fix a marriage! Remember who the real enemy is and determining not to speak words of death as we fight a very real battle for our Marriage! Words that Respect your husband are powerful communication exercises to diffuse tension and save a marriage.
Find todays section in the workbook and work through it.
in HIM,
Tiffany
