Do your eyes sometimes glaze over mid bible study? Don’t get me wrong, there are some action packed parts of the bible, and then there are parts that feel boring or too familiar or too hard to understand. Our word today for example: Unbecoming is such an old world word… What on earth does that mean?
Some Bible versions say ~rude, unseemly or disrespectfully.
Unbecoming = Disrespectful
Psssst: We are in a series studying through 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
To go back, click on any of the words in this list ; so far we’ve seen Patience, Kindness, Jealousy, Bragging, Arrogance, Disrespect or Acting unbecoming in Marriage, Selfishness in Marriage, Anger in Marriage, Evil Thoughts in Marriage, Rejoicing In Marriage and Bearing All Things, Believing All Things, Hoping All things and Enduring All things in a Biblical Marriage.
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Respect is a big deal for our men
What I find interesting is that hubby and I understand respect differently. What about you and your hubby?
I always thought I was a very respectful wife but, in the middle of our crazy-mess-of-a-marriage-season, I was issued a challenge by my Mentor.
“Do you know what your husband finds disrespectful?”
I thought I did but she pressed further.
“Ask your husband what he finds disrespectful”
Now to be honest with you, I was not ready to hear his answers and the first conversation failed terribly! Now as I mentor other women today I give this challenge in 7 small steps. Want to take it with me?
Step 1. Pray
Ask God to prepare your heart for hubby’s answers. Don’t assume you know what they are. Ask god to soften your heart (and his heart) in preparation for this conversation.
Step 2. Pick a time when he is in a good mood
Maybe after a good day at work or maybe after an intimate time with you (that usually makes a lighter mood 😉 . Send the kids out so you are uninterrupted. Set aside any devices that could interrupt this time. You want to stay focused and not miss this opportunity.
Step 3. Start by telling him Send the kids out so you are uninterrupted
I bet you have his attention now (and probably his admiration).
Step 4.Ask him to tell you what makes him feel disrespected by you.
- Just listen as he tells you
- Don’t justify your actions
- This is not about right or wrong, it is about how he interprets situations.
If it is in you, apologize for what he mentioned. Let me tell you I was shocked by his answers. He felt disrespected when I:
- Habitually criticize him
- Offer advice about every little thing he does
- Correct his parenting – in front of the kids
- Take the lead and leave him out of decision making process
- Nag him about his driving
This is a small part of the list…
It was shocking to see how unbecoming I had been!
I was not respecting him in the way he understood respect. And as I sat there… shocked on the couch (because he had already moved on to other things) I came face to face with sin.
Unintentional sin… but sin is sin. Sound harsh?
Well, if God said “Wives respect your husband” and I wasn’t… that was sin.
God showed me this sort of Love/Respect sandwich in Ephesians 5:22-33. Have you ever seen it there?
God starts it with a 1 liner for the wife -respect your husband.
Then for 10 verses he tells the husband how to love the wife.
And He finishes the passage reminding the wives to respect their husband.
Now, most of the weight falls to the husband – and man alive – that kind of love is intense! If I were sitting with your husband I would encourage him to dig into that passage and better learn what this intense love looks like.
But I am talking to us as wives… Ladies, God doesn’t give it any Loop Holes about Respect or acting unbecoming.
We have to Respect our husband.
- Weather we think he deserves it or not
- Even if he isn’t loving us the way the passage says he should
- Regardless of how many mistakes he’s made in the past.
I’m not good at any of that. What about you?
After recovering from the shock of his answer, I began working on being a Respectful Wife.
Words of Affirmation (admiration and appreciation) and prayer are 2 of the biggest things that healed our broken Marriage.
I want to share a strategy that could be The Best Gift for our Husband!
Check out these Words of Affirmation Cards in my shop, print them out, commit to pray over them and give one per week to your husband for the next year. You will build him up and create momentum for real change in his life!
Step 5. I Wrote down what he shared
That way I wouldn’t forget. It also gave me a space to think about what he said and think of ways I could correct some things in my habits.
- I tend to post reminders for myself about the things that are hardest… so in my phone I added “Tiffany close your eyes in the car and don’t give “advice”” still working on that one 😉
Step 6. Pray that God will begin to make deep heart changes to see things from hubby’s perspective
- Step 6b… Along the way I would catch myself slipping up. I try to be quick to make amends.
This one is hard because I often feel “justified” in my way of doing a thing. But this is about creating a habit of respect – where I care about him and how he sees things.
Step 7. After a few weeks, check back in with him to see if he noticed a change.
This will show him love in a felt way! The most amazing result of this challenge is that I now know what he sees as respectful. I can ensure that our love does not act unbecoming in our Christian Marriage!
Do you know what your husband finds disrespectful?
Are you brave enough to take the Respect Marriage Challenge?
Comment “I’m in” in the comments and I’ll be praying for you through the process.