What would happen if your husband suddenly outlawed eating chocolate in your home. Gasp! Just go with me a second while we I set the scene for today’s sex talk 😉
Your husband is shocked that you want to eat chocolate. He goes out of his way to explain the dangers of eating chocolate.
You try to ignore the candy isle in the store.
Maybe you do well for a while denying yourself that sweet comfort food.
But then Aunt Flo comes for a visit and you are desperate.
You reason, ‘He knew I loved chocolate when we were dating. How dare he try to change me. I need chocolate. I love chocolate. Chocolate is not really bad in moderation.’
Imagine the righteous indignation as you sneak into that back drawer. The one where you were secreting away a Hershey’s Kiss.
Can you feel the pleasure of the melted chocolate on your tongue?
Feel the nervous tingles as you listen for his footsteps in the hall.
Nervously praying his game doesn’t go to commercial before you can hide the evidence of your indiscretion.
okay, back to reality…
Sex is always an uncomfortable subject. Even as a Married woman, I struggle to talk openly about sex. Crazy right? Maybe not so crazy, when you think about how little we have real conversations about sex in our society. Don’t get me wrong, sex is everywhere… but is the media portraying the reality of sex?
Let me start by saying I am no expert. I’m not a counselor or professional. What I am is a woman that has lots of experience… good, bad and ugly with sex.
If you are in an abusive relationship please talk to someone. There is nothing you can change about you that will stop the abuse. It is NOT your Fault! There is something wrong with him that needs fixing… not wrong with you that needs fixing. There are safe places. Please find one. Get out. He lied. There are people who WILL believe you. Please find one. Get out. Get help. You do not deserve this. I promise you did nothing wrong. You are loved by God and God would want you to get help, not try to fix the situation and continue being hurt.
The Truth about Sex
My husband is a visual creature. Yours too. Naked is one of their favorite words. He needs to see me naked. I am the only one who can fulfill my husbands sexual needs. Fulfill his visual need for sexual stimulation.
Sex was designed by God to be a beautiful expression of our love.
Some verses about that are 1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Hebrews 13:4; Proverbs 5:18-19; 1 Corinthians 7:2 and the Book of Song of Solomon.
Intended for Pleasure is a book that helped me embrace this a little better.
But me, I’m not really a sexual being. I’d rather not be on display. I don’t want to fulfill his needs many times. How about you?
I am the only Acceptable Sexual Anything my husband can have without sin.
ouch. Did I mention this would be uncomfortable?
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He needs me to be a sexual being. By denying him what he was created to need -I am NOT removing the need.
I am removing the only way he can meet that need without sin.
He can no more deny his need for sex than I can deny my need for chocolate.
I always knew he was a sexual creature. Do you remember making out and all that fun stuff early in our relationship? I loved that. What happened to change my mind about sex?
I believed the enemy’s lies… did you?
The enemy has been distorting God’s perfect design for sex since the beginning. Today he has twisted the picture of sex in the media. The medias image of sexuality is unrealistic; thin, tanned, blond, sumptuously proportioned in alluring ways.
Fake. Nothing like what I look like.
I kill myself trying to become that image – that fake woman I see in movies and commercials. I’m not alone. In our culture women go from diet to surgery, fashion style to tanning salon, all in the attempt to become the illusion.
I can’t speak for you, but I always feel like I am competing with that fake woman. How could he love me or want to be intimate with me when he sees all these other -more beautiful women?
Maybe it’s just me. In the bedroom when the clothes go away I am suddenly anxious, ashamed, embarrassed and desperate to hide. I think: ‘Don’t look at me, I’m ugly’. ‘I have stretch marks from babies and failed diets’. ‘Nothing is in the right place anymore’. ‘Let’s get this over with.
Another Book that helped me get past the issue with sex is Red Hot Monogamy
His Truth is so far from that.
He sees a beautiful woman – the women he fell in love with. All the flaws I see when I look in the mirror DO NOT cross his mind in that moment. He sees all the things that are really sexy – to him.
Each man is different, but they all enjoy looking at particulate body parts.
You have those parts.
He wants to see you naked. Wants to look and touch and not feel ashamed to do so.
How can we get over our shame and embarrassment and encourage our husband in the way he was created?
We were at a marriage conference some years ago by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot. They said something that helped change my way of thinking about my body and sex.
“Let your husband be your mirror”
Don’t look at the mirror and believe what you see. Let your husband speak what he sees when he looks at you. And believe him. Don’t call him a liar because you see the flaws in your mirror.
As women we have the amazing capacity to encourage other women when they feel fat or ugly or rejected. We say something over and over…
Beauty is on the inside. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Precious wife. You need to stand in that mirror and talk to yourself today.
Remind yourself that Beautify in in the eye of the beholder. Stop looking at the flaws. Look to the inside.
- Your character is amazing.
- You are a great friend.
- No one listens better than you.
- You are a woman of honor and wisdom.
- Kindness shines through your eyes every day.
- You. Are. Beautiful.
Listen when that man tells you about your beauty. Believe him.
When the lights go down and the clothes come off and you want to hide or rush… Remind yourself that you are beautiful. He sees your beauty. Let him enjoy it.
A book that helped me understand how we are different is this Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti
You will both enjoy sex so much more when that is your thought life.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things” (Philippians 4:8 NASB).
As usual, I am talking to me today too. As often as I think this is fixed, it pops back up again. I’m actually in a series on Emotional wellness that ties to this. We are in this together sister. It can be hard to believe people about… me. But what about believing God. Check out what God says about you here.
I’m praying for you today.
In September (2017) I invited 30 Women’s Ministry Leaders to share their Best Marriage Tips, Secrets, Encouragement along with some Free Resources to better Equip us all. Check out the articles on the Biblical Marriage – The Wifehood Page or get them in a Free e-Book Here!
Resources to Equip us in this Biblical Wifehood
Sometimes we just need deeper, more specific Christian Marriage Resources! Some of the things that have helped me are listed on the Christian Marriage Resource List Page.
Check out this Wives only Facebook Group so we can connect better. Lets encourage and equip each other as we step into this Challenge!