The Uncomfortable Truth About Sex in a Christian Marriage FtImg (Biblical Wifehood, Reclaiming Hope & Joy in your Marriage)

The Uncomfortable Truth About Sex in a Christian Marriage

What would happen if your husband suddenly outlawed eating chocolate in your home.  Gasp!  Just go with me a second while we I set the scene for today’s sex talk 😉

Your husband is shocked that you want to eat chocolate.  He goes out of his way to explain the dangers of eating chocolate.

You try to ignore the candy isle in the store.

Maybe you do well for a while denying yourself that sweet comfort food.

But then Aunt Flo comes for a visit and you are desperate.

You reason, ‘He knew I loved chocolate when we were dating.  How dare he try to change me.  I need chocolate.  I love chocolate.  Chocolate is not really bad in moderation.’

Imagine the righteous indignation as you sneak into that back drawer.  The one where you were secreting away a Hershey’s Kiss.

Can you feel the pleasure of the melted chocolate on your tongue?

Feel the nervous tingles as you listen for his footsteps in the hall.

Nervously praying his game doesn’t go to commercial before you can hide the evidence of your indiscretion.

okay, back to reality…

The Uncomfortable Truth About Sex in a Christian Marriage PinIt (Biblical Wifehood, Reclaiming Hope & Joy in your Marriage)

Sex is always an uncomfortable subject.  Even as a Married woman, I struggle to talk openly about sex. Crazy right?  Maybe not so crazy, when you think about how little we have real conversations about sex in our society.  Don’t get me wrong, sex is everywhere… but is the media portraying the reality of sex?

Let me start by saying I am no expert.  I’m not a counselor or professional.  What I am is a woman that has lots of experience… good, bad and ugly with sex.

Disclaimer:

If you are in an abusive relationship please talk to someone.  There is nothing you can change about you that will stop the abuse.  It is NOT your Fault!  There is something wrong with him that needs fixing… not wrong with you that needs fixing.  There are safe places.  Please find one.  Get out.  He lied.  There are people who WILL believe you.  Please find one.  Get out.  Get help.  You do not deserve this.  I promise you did nothing wrong.  You are loved by God and God would want you to get help, not try to fix the situation and continue being hurt.  

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The Truth about Sex

My husband is a visual creature.  Yours too.  Naked is one of their favorite words.  He needs to see me naked.  I am the only one who can fulfill my husbands sexual needs.  Fulfill his visual need for sexual stimulation.

Sex was designed by God to be a beautiful expression of our love.

Some verses about that are 1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Hebrews 13:4; Proverbs 5:18-19; 1 Corinthians 7:2 and the Book of Song of Solomon.

Intended for Pleasure is a book that helped me embrace this a little better.

But me, I’m not really a sexual being.  I’d rather not be on display.  I don’t want to fulfill his needs many times.  How about you?

Perspective shift:

I am the only Acceptable Sexual Anything my husband can have without sin.  

ouch.  Did I mention this would be uncomfortable?


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He needs me to be a sexual being.  By denying him what he was created to need -I am NOT removing the need.

I am removing the only way he can meet that need without sin.

He can no more deny his need for sex than I can deny my need for chocolate.  

Perspective Shift about Sex in Marriage (Christian Marriage, Biblical Wifehood (Reclaiming Hope & Joy in your Marrige))

 

I always knew he was a sexual creature.  Do you remember making out and all that fun stuff early in our relationship?  I loved that.  What happened to change my mind about sex?

I believed the enemy’s lies… did you?

The enemy has been distorting God’s perfect design for sex since the beginning.  Today he has twisted the picture of sex in the media.  The medias image of sexuality is unrealistic; thin, tanned, blond, sumptuously proportioned in alluring ways.

Fake.  Nothing like what I look like.

I kill myself trying to become that image – that fake woman I see in movies and commercials.  I’m not alone.  In our culture women go from diet to surgery, fashion style to tanning salon, all in the attempt to become the illusion.

Why?

I can’t speak for you, but I always feel like I am competing with that fake woman.  How could he love me or want to be intimate with me when he sees all these other -more beautiful women?

Maybe it’s just me.  In the bedroom when the clothes go away I am suddenly anxious, ashamed, embarrassed and desperate to hide.  I think: ‘Don’t look at me, I’m ugly’.  ‘I have stretch marks from babies and failed diets’.  ‘Nothing is in the right place anymore’.  ‘Let’s get this over with.    

Another Book that helped me get past the issue with sex is Red Hot Monogamy

His Truth is so far from that.

He sees a beautiful woman – the women he fell in love with.  All the flaws I see when I look in the mirror DO NOT cross his mind in that moment.  He sees all the things that are really sexy – to him.

Each man is different, but they all enjoy looking at particulate body parts.

You have those parts.

He wants to see you naked.  Wants to look and touch and not feel ashamed to do so.


Proverbs 5:18-19 (Sex in Christian Marriage, Biblical Wifehood (Reclaiming Hope & Joy in your Marriage))

How can we get over our shame and embarrassment and encourage our husband in the way he was created?

We were at a marriage conference some years ago by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot.  They said something that helped change my way of thinking about my body and sex.

“Let your husband be your mirror”

Don’t look at the mirror and believe what you see.  Let your husband speak what he sees when he looks at you.  And believe him.  Don’t call him a liar because you see the flaws in your mirror.

As women we have the amazing capacity to encourage other women when they feel fat or ugly or rejected.  We say something over and over…

Beauty is on the inside.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Precious wife.  You need to stand in that mirror and talk to yourself today.

Remind yourself that Beautify in in the eye of the beholder.  Stop looking at the flaws.  Look to the inside.

  • Your character is amazing. 
  • You are a great friend. 
  • No one listens better than you. 
  • You are a woman of honor and wisdom. 
  • Kindness shines through your eyes every day. 
  • You. Are. Beautiful.

Precious Wife PinIt - The Uncomfortable Truth About Sex in a Christian Marriage (Biblical Wifehood, Reclaiming Hope & Joy in your Marriage)

Listen when that man tells you about your beauty.  Believe him.  

When the lights go down and the clothes come off and you want to hide or rush…  Remind yourself that you are beautiful.  He sees your beauty.  Let him enjoy it.

A book that helped me understand how we are different is this Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti

You will both enjoy sex so much more when that is your thought life.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things” (Philippians 4:8 NASB).

As usual, I am talking to me today too.  As often as I think this is fixed, it pops back up again.  I’m actually in a series on Emotional wellness that ties to this.  We are in this together sister.  It can be hard to believe people about… me.  But what about believing God.  Check out what God says about you here.

I’m praying for you today.


In September (2017) I invited 30 Women’s Ministry Leaders to share their Best Marriage Tips, Secrets, Encouragement along with some Free Resources to better Equip us all.  Check out the articles on the Biblical Marriage – The Wifehood Page or get them in a Free e-Book Here!

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Sometimes we just need deeper, more specific Christian Marriage Resources! Some of the things that have helped me are listed on the Christian Marriage Resource List Page.

Check out this Wives only  Facebook Group so we can connect better.  Lets encourage and equip each other as we step into this Challenge!

in HIM,


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Tiffany Montgomery

Tiffany is a wife and mother who is passionate about Encouraging and Equipping Women through Biblical Discipleship.

31 thoughts to “The Uncomfortable Truth About Sex in a Christian Marriage”

  1. This is all well and good, it my husband without discussion has decided no more sex just roommates Hating every day, because after 34 years of putting up with his selfishness I have had it and yet this is a covenant made with God not just hubby so distressed at this I am in counseling but still the chasm between us is wide and deep

    1. I’m so sorry you are in this situation Debbie. Praying for healing and peace and strength through the process of reconciliation. Praying you get to the point of reconciliation because it def requires 2. praying for love and support to come around you and encourage you through this difficult season.

  2. Great job, Tiffany! This post on sex as God designed it in marriage is spot on. You and I have the same issues. Neal is wonderful about reminding me of the very things you pointed out about our society, commercials, magazines, etc., and how unrealistic it is to try to be someone who has been air-brushed on film and in photos. The issues of sexual abuse go deep, and not just for me; Neal is also a survivor. We have that deep connection which brings so much understanding and patience to our relationship. We’re older now with all kinds of health issues, so sex is not so important these days, but oh those memories! Love you! Aunt P

  3. Thank you Tiffany
    An encouraging post. Truthfully, I have had those moments with those very thoughts. Lies from the enemy to taint our minds and undermine our marital relationship with our spouse. I pray that we free ourselves from these lies, by God’s strength, to pursue our men as they pursue us…

  4. It’s funny how God works! The very things about my physical appearance I do not like are the things my husband loves—genuinely loves! Yes, let’s let God be our mirror. And then let’s let our husbands speak life over us with his words.

  5. How do I talk to someone about this? I am extremely concerned about her and her husband since they are young and newly married and she is not interested in sex beyond procreation…her husband is understandably very unhappy and disappointed and has even said such to some family members. She is very private but she will be very embarrassed and upset if this gets back to her as well. Do I just pray or is there something I can say or do? I have never had many problems in this area so I am a little baffled. Also, her husband is a good man, and constantly trying to please her, though he is human of course. And I worry that he may fall into sin if she doesn’t change. He is very young and though I don’t think he would be unfaithful to her, lust can rise up if marriage needs aren’t met. This can lead to shame and self-loathing as well as anger and bitterness. Any advice?

    1. I love that your heart wants to help and shine the truth in love… Can I advise caution? Spend a good deal of time in prayer about this. Ask God for wisdom and discernment. As much as you may have the truth she needs… She will not receive it until and unless God softens her heart and convinces her to seek out an answer. Ask God to help you know when to speak, what to speak and how to speak it. He can season our words with Grace in His own mysterious way. But most of All, pray that He will prepare her heart and give you a Clear sign about when to pour this into her heart. I will be praying as well LM!

  6. Beautifully said Tiffany! It was interesting how you described eating the chocolate in the other room because that referenced for me the other side of the story we don’t like to talk about—men and pornography. Not that we as women are driving our men to the other room to feast on the chocolate of pornography—but it does become more difficult for our husbands to not go that route if there is an unhealthy sexual relationship between our husbands and us as their wives. He longs for connection and physiological the only way that happens for him is through sexual experiences. Great post!

    1. Yes, a subtle comparison! Great eye Sonya! I’d never lay the responsibility of his fall to my behavior 100%… but I believe in a marriage we each contribute to the others chance for success or failure. We come alongside one another to build up and bear burdens… and love in deep profound selfless ways. When we are both healthy and functioning in our roles it is a beautiful picture!

  7. I think you did an excellent and tactful presentation of a challenging topic! I even had my hubby read this, because you addressed some of the same issues and discussions he and I have had about our own intimate life.

  8. I just don’t understand all these articles & nobody ever mentions when a husband has a low sex drive & yes it’s medical reasons,,but what am I supposed to do? I still have needs also! Just left lonely with no satisfaction

    1. Hi Mary. I haven’t been in that spot so I can’t begin to understand or address all that must be there. I’m so sorry your in that place. It must be so lonely. I did spend some time praying over this comment and asking some other women in Ministry how they respond to these kinds of situations. You are not alone in this struggle. I wonder why more women don’t speak up about the issue!

      These are some resources shared with me for you and the countless others in this situation. “When couples struggle with low sex drive for any reason, it deeply affects every area of their relationship. Counseling can help them figure out how to deal with the pain and possible offer ideas to still connect intimately.” (that bit could be fun if he is open to other ways to be intimate 😉 she says blushing)
      https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/
      Some blogs that address these things – and with humor (always a plus when talking about tough topics with sex) are http://hotholyhumorous.com/, https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/ , https://www.oysterbed7.com/ , and one article in particular that was recommended is http://intentionaltoday.com/husband-lower-sex-drive/

      And again a counselor friend said “This issue is a complex one and I believe takes someone skilled in the area to work with couples to assess their beliefs, couple interactions outside of the bedroom, and ability to talk and work together inside the bedroom.”

      Don’t stay stuck in the place of Lonely with no satisfaction. Talk with someone who can help you both get to a better place.

      As one who hasn’t dealt with this all I can say is I’m praying for you… and all the you’s who didn’t comment but thought the same thing.

  9. I think you did so well on this topic which we all face at some point. So glad I found you over at Grace Girls recently! I am one of the KY bloggers. Keep sharing!

  10. Hi there,

    Thank you for being honest and what you have said is very true, I must admit I never viewed things as you have mentioned. So I have learned a lot.

    My question though is though I love having sex with my husband of 20 years, I have been open to try new things, I have even suggested new things, and am not ashamed to be naked with him. I have struggled as he has a problem with pornography, since the beginning but I wasn’t aware of it at first.
    In the last five years or so it has gotten very, very bad. We are both Christians and I have tried addressing the issue with him, in a number of ways, but it only ends up in a huge fight.
    I must say I do struggle as I find myself believing that I am not good enough any more, and now much worse as I am older now (42) I was 21 when we married, and have had 3 children….He doesn’t seem to like my naked body, or even notice me when I am naked…..
    I love my husband and understand that it is an addiction, but sometimes it doesn’t make it any easier.
    Maybe you have a suggestion for me? I would really appreciate it.

    Thank you

    1. This is such a hard place to be. Pornography really takes hold of us in so many ways we never imagined… and once you are hooked it is hard to see that the addiction is destroying your spouse. My advice is talk to someone. A counselor at church would be a good starting place. This is an epedimic sweeping our nation and they have resources to help. I also HIGHLY recommend a Secret Wives only group Beth Kelley and Rebekah Hallberg run (They have been through it in a rough way and love to equip and encourage women with Hope). This is the link to sign up for the group. They will help in ways other can not… because until you have lived this one… you really can’t offer advice. I will be praying for you and your family!

  11. I am a newly wed with a sexual history I am not proud of. My husband and I waited until we were married though and I was excited to have sex with him. However, the honeymoon was a disappointment for me. Sex felt mostly painful for me and I cry almost every day for some reason. I am very sensitive. My husband is a Godly man and I trust him. We are both extremely frustrated with the situation right now and it creates a lot of fights. I pray about it every day but I am too ashamed to speak with family and friends or even mentors. What can I do?

    1. Hi Adele, I am so sorry that is your experience. So frustrating when you know sex should be good but it just isn’t… and it can be bad for SOOO many reasons. Some things that come to mind immediately are that there can be physical reasons sex hurt. I would talk to your doctor and make sure everything is okay medically. Then I would suggest some podcasts. It really helps for Hubby and I both to listen – and he takes other men to heart (just a guy thing) so if another man is talking about sex and how to do it better or more sensitively it will get through to him. I Trust and love listening to Jolene and Eric Engle – check out this Podcast http://themarriagementor.podbean.com/e/whats-a-wife-to-do-when-she-doesnt-want-to-have-sex/ and another blogger who talk straight about sex is Sheila Gregoire – check out Her Sex Category Hope this help and know I am praying for you in this season. It will get better – believing it in Jesus Name!

  12. This was a great article but I never see anyone just say it’s ok to not like sex. Seriously. After 13 years of marriage, and un unfortunate sexual history prior, I just got sick of it. We have four kids. I absolutely do not have enough time in the day to let my husband work up a sweat on top of me. Not to mention the disgusting clean up afterward. I’m sorry, I just think that a woman’s needs ought to be considered, and not every woman finds sex appealing. Regardless of what the Bible says. I don’t think I’m sinning against God by opting out of something I have never liked, and quite frankly find distasteful. So why am I being shamed for it by every single article on Christian marriage? Not coming down on you, I’m just very curious as to why the Christian community is pushing this ideology that in order to be a godly wife I have to allow my body to be used for my husband’s personal ‘needs’.
    P.S I’m asking you because out of the last ten articles I’ve read about being a godly wife, you are the only one who didn’t insinuate that if I don’t put out I have only myself to blame for whatever recourse my hubby resorts to. It’s a s

    1. Hi confused. I have literally read your comment 100 times at this point thinking you sound like me… I have so many of those thoughts – often.

      I can’t discount that the Bible DOES say we are not to deny each other sex because temptation will come (1 Corinthians 7:5).

      Honestly, I try to be real on this site – real about where I understand things and real about where I am still struggling to figure things out. Sex is an area that is beyond me. But… I bring a lot of baggage into our marriage. Abuse, pornography addiction, past sex partners, betrayal and so much more. I don’t enjoy sex… though sometimes I’d like sex I could literally live my life without it I think.

      But he can’t. it really is tied into how men are wired. I don’t get that, but I accept it. And I love my husband. I see his need and meet his need. I try to think of Ephesians 2:3-4 when I think about showing love to my husband in ways I don’t like much but he loves…

      Part of Biblical Wifehood – most days for me anyway- is doing whatever God says, weather I really want to – asking Him to Help me want to… no let me be honest. Asking Him to help me want to want to. And When I come to God in humility – saying I don’t get this but I trust You and want to do it Your way- He meets me where I am and honors my obedience.

      Now, about sex… yeah that is still hard. I am still studying and praying God will help me like it. There are some amazing women I follow who write about this. I’ve linked to several in other comments on this post but can’t get to them right now, scroll a bit and see how they talk through it.

      I am praying with you through this. Oh, and you may like this article I am reading now about better understanding what healthy sexuality looks like in a Christian marriage. It is long but so good. I even sent it to hubby who pulled some things out to try.

    2. Confused, I am so sorry to read your post. Your view is typical of many christian women, which is very sad to me. (Please read read this with a tone of sympathy and not of condemnation. My heart breaks for you!)
      Sex is a gift from God. He created it. And everything He created is beautiful and good. What happened is SIN. Sin tainted our whole world, including the area of intimacy and sex. Abuse and sin can warp our view of sex, and I feel that may be the case here. “Distasteful” is an adjective that was never meant to describe sex with our spouse. Sex should be mutually enjoyable and pleasurable. If it is not, then something needs to be addressed by a professional. NO, you are not a bad wife for not wanting sex. However, I truly believe you are missing out on God’s best for you- to be desired by and to desire your spouse with out shame or guilt. True intimacy is spiritual, emotional and physical. And all three are needed to enjoy a fulfilling sex life, and to enjoy our marriage to the fullest.
      One thing the Christian community has severely neglected is the husband’s role to “nourish and cherish” there wives as “Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:29). If more men stepped up to be the true servant leaders God designed them to be, we as wives would be much more inclined to meet their needs. Sadly, selfishness (which is SIN) is so permeant, even in the Church.
      Again, I am so sorry you feel this way about sex. It is not God’s view. It’s not God’s intent or design. There is a SIN problem that needs to be address – whether it’s a SIN committed against you or the SIN of your husband, it needs to be address by a professional counselor. Hugs to you!

  13. Really great article. Had 10 years of an incorrect, guilt ridden, lonely, seperate, mismatched, he’ll of a messy marriage. I tried to fix it, tried to fix him, tried to reestablish justice, tried to control, tried to fight for it…. and let go for a good 3 years. Recently things have turned around. The first thing I did was turn desperately to God’s Word. For 2 years I woke 30min early and studied. I took Christian and Bible classes at a Christian college, and I got heavily involved in my church. At first it was a drag, honestly. However, now I am obsessed with it, want to know everything about Scripture, can carry on heavy theological arguments and find myself literally pondering it with joy in my heart over concepts and verses. I started to pray about my marriage, a complete impossibility, I was under no illusion that it would improve. Then, it did. I suddenly started obsessing about the beauty that marriage, in its perfect intended form, was supposed to be. And I wanted that more than anything in my life. I began with sex. I did not try to talk, I did not try to build trust, I just started wanting him and not caring what he had said in the past or how he had made me feel. Talking happened next, extremely minimally. I only explained that I was not manipulating, the Holy Spirit was trying to work here. He yielded. Lately, I have realized, God is not only trying to save this marriage, He is trying to improve me. So, now I do not dwell on my husband’s failures, I literally ignore them. And instead look at my own goals, using the perfect examples that God supplies. Has this all been rainbows? Not at all. But, we are connecting and through the physical and vulnerable act of God’s gift (sex), we are beginning. We are doing it His way….. just thought this might help a few of you. And keep praying. For help as well as patience and strength.

    1. Sorry, real short. Let God take care of justice. Do not dwell on what is fair and unfair. Marriage is unfair. Period. However, you have an opportunity to be the source of your husband’s pleasure. That is the key. And after that, other things happen. We trust each other more, we are nicer to each other…. it is a step. Why? Because God wants that. Make sure you are commtied to Christ first. He is the Groom afterall, and then let Him guide you. And be patient. No magic wands. Just do not say no.

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