Welcome back to Marriage Monday! We are taking our time working through 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and applying it to our Wifehood. Just to Re-cap: we have seen Patience in Marriage, Kindness in Marriage, Jealousy in Marriage, Bragging in Marriage and Arrogance in Marriage. Today we will explore what it means that “Love does not act Unbecoming “.
Unbecoming is such an old world word… What on earth does that mean?
Some Bible versions say ~rude, unseemly or disrespectfully. It could be said positively “Love acts with courtesy and good will toward all men”.
The one that jumps out at me is Disrespect…
Unbecoming = disrespectful
Respect is a big deal for our men.
It is one of the few direct instructions from God to wives. Respect your husbands.
What I find interesting is that B and I understand respect differently. What about you and your hubby?
I always thought I was a very respectful wife. But then, in the middle of our crazy-mess-of-a-marriage-season, I was issued a challenge by my Mentor. She challenged me to ask B what he found disrespectful. Let me tell you I was shocked by his answers.
He felt disrespected when I:
- Habitually criticize him
- Offer advice about every little thing he does
- Correct his parenting – in front of the kids
- Take the lead and leave him out of decision making process
- Nag him about his driving
- This is a small part of the list…
News Flash for me: I was acting unbecoming to B!
I was not respecting him in the way he understood respect. Quickly I had to get a handle on this issue. The Book Love and Respect by Dr. Eggichs was a great resource for me!
Then I had to take that to God. You see, unintentional sin is sin. Sound harsh? Well, if God said “Wives respect your husband” and I wasn’t… that was sin.
God showed me this sort of Love/Respect sandwich in Ephesians 5:22-33.
God starts it with the wife -respect your husband.
Then for 10 verses he tells the husband how to love the wife.
And He finishes the passage reminding the wives to respect their husband.
Now, most of the weight falls to the husband -because that kind of love is intense. But in that 1 command to wives… God doesn’t give it any stipulations (No Loop Holes -though I wish He did some days).
So I have to Respect my husband:
- Weather I think he deserves it or not
- No matter how angry I am at him
- Even if he isn’t loving me the way the passage says he should
- Regardless of how many mistakes he’s made in the past.
I’m not good at any of that. What about you?
In learning to show him honor and respect I’ve learn 2 critical habits.
Pray before I speak
I have to check my emotions before I open my mouth (sometimes that means I am quiet more than I speak) because My mouth has a way of showing disrespect.
Consequently, what I say starts in my thoughts. I have written a whole series about finding Peace of mind in my thought life. This applies (and if anything worthy of praise) .“Finally, brethren, and if anything worthy of praise, and if anything worthy of praise, and if anything worthy of praise, and if anything worthy of praise, whatever is lovely, and if anything worthy of praise, and if anything worthy of praise and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things”
Make amends Quickly
As soon as I know B has perceived something as disrespectful I try to make amends. Weather it was done Intentionally or unintentionally.
This one is hard because I often feel “justified” in my actions.
Do you know what your husband finds disrespectful?
Challenge Time: Ask your husband what he finds unbecoming /disrespectful
All men are different so B’s answers are probably different than your hubbys.
Let’s set this challenge into stages.
Step 1. Pray about this.
Ask God to prepare your heart for hubby’s answers.
Step 2. Pick a time when he is in a good mood
Maybe after a good day at work or maybe after an intimate time with you (that usually makes a lighter mood).
Step 3. Start by telling him you’ve been praying about ways to better show respect
I bet you have his attention now (and probably his admiration)
Step 4.Ask him to tell you what makes him feel disrespected by you.
- Just listen as he tells you
- Don’t justify your actions
This is not about right or wrong, it is about how he interprets situations.
If it is in you, apologize for what he mentioned.
Step 5. Write down what he shared
That way you don’t forget.
- I tend to post reminders for myself about the things that are hardest…
For Example – Tiffany close your eyes in the car and don’t give “advice”.
Step 6. Begin praying that God will begin to change your heart to see things from hubby’s perspective
God is faithful and He will show you ways to do this better. Remember He promises to give wisdom freely to those who ask (James 1:5)!
Step 7. After a few weeks, check back in with him to see if he noticed a change.
This will show him love in a felt way!
(I am such a visual person. Here is an image I will pin as a reminder for later!)
This along was hard for me because of un-forgiveness. I struggled to forgive B for the mistakes he’s made in the past. That’s honestly where I had to start and it’s why I’ve written a small E-book. I’d love to give it to you to help on your journey!